Cope

One

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A/N: Feel free to listen to that song while reading. You'll understand why further on

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January 30th, 2021

Fuck, what a long day. I woke up from a nightmare and rushed to the bathroom to throw up. It'd never happened before but I felt better afterwards so I just kept it to myself and decided not to worry anyone.

I slept the rest of the night like a rock. I felt so tense and worried I would wake up again but I didn't, I got up and had my morning coffee while organizing my assignments. They tend to stress me out and make me anxious so writing them down on my schedule makes me feel more at ease and in control, you know?

Something was off with me though, like I was fine but hollow. I don't know, I'm terrible at explaining myself which is not great when you have to tell your doctor 'how you feel'.

I swear to god, I never thought I could be so confused about my own feelings but guess I was wrong. My homeopathic doctor asked me questions like 'what are you scared of?' or 'what's your favorite food?'. I really don't know what food has to do with my mental health but I'm no doctor.

However, after those questions he pushes further. Like when I tell him my favorite type of food is homemade pasta he asks 'And if you had to eat it with no sauce whatsoever, would you?'. Like dude, for real? How is that going to help me get rid of my obsessive thinking?

I decided to read some articles about anxiety and panic attacks so next time I would be able to tell him exactly what I felt. So now I know a lot of things about this "desease", or whatever you call it, and it also made me realize that some things that I thought were absolutely normal were actually anxiety symptoms.

Those articles keep repeating things like 'talk to someone' or 'reach out to people', but that's all they give you. You somehow have to guess how to do that and I wish I could but I find it fucking impossible. My friends and family know I have anxiety and that I take meds for it but that's it.

The only person I talked to about it was one of my two best friends. She showed me she wanted to help me in any way she could and I really appreciated that, it made me feel... loved? She read some articles as well to fully understand and listened carefully when I decided to talk to her.

I guess I chose her out of all people because she's not mentally healthy either. She suffers from an ED so we try to be there for each other. None of us know how to fix the other so we just stand by each other when we're crumbling to the ground and that's all I need from her. I need to know that there's someone who understands me, kind of, and is willing to help me get through that moment.

So after lunch my mum went out with my grandma to take my sister to her friend's house and then they would go shopping. And my dad always works 8 hours a day so he's not home until down. This meant I was going to be home alone.

I usually long for days like this where I'm by myself without my loud sister yelling all around or my mum telling me to tidy my room, but today I just new it was going to be anything but relaxing because of the way I had been feeling during the morning.

When they took off I headed towards my lounge room and started with the assignments I had to turn in that week. After finishing my history report and my english essay the migraines started.

It was normal already so I did what I always do: take a pill and go outside to rest with a hot cup of tea. I waited around half an hour while I was entertaining myself watching the trees and petting my dogs but it just wasn't going anywhere. In fact, it was getting worse by the minute. Maybe it was because I couldn't stop thinking about the homework I still had to do or the usual, stupid thoughts that are always rumbling in my mind.