Forbidden Hope | H.S.

33

A/N: to clear up any confusion these chapters take place in different months. So this one is in the middle of May and next chapters will be in middle of June :)

After my breakdown, I was admitted to the hospital and put under 24-hour surveillance for the first week. The first couple of days they had to keep me restrained because I would keep ripping the stitches open to make the voices stop.

I also had to be monitored in the shower because Harry had told them about the incident where I nearly burned myself with how hot the water was.

Apparently, that's a form of self-harm. While I've been here they diagnosed me with PTSD and clinical depression. Basically, all they can do is shove medication down my throat and hope that it works. Breaking news, it's not working.

The voices are still screaming in my head. Yeah, they're not as loud as they used to be but they still haven't stopped. The doctors also told me to stay away from possible triggers and to surround myself with things that make me happy.

Well, there's the problem. Everywhere I look is a trigger to me in some way and the one thing that made me happy doesn't want to be around me anymore.

Harry has been distant. Only coming to bring me clothes and to see what my progress is but other than that, what we had is now gone.

I guess I can't even blame him.

I don't want to be around me too.

Now I'm just waiting to be released. Every time they come in and ask me how I'm doing I lie and say that I'm doing fine, that I can't wait to get back home.

When in reality, I don't want to go back. It's just a painful reminder of what we once were. Of what has happened to me.

As I look out the window I wonder how it would feel if I could just jump. Would it be peaceful? Would I feel any pain?

"Hope?" my head registers the voice but I continue my long stare out the window.

"What?" I whisper, laying my head against the back of the wall.

"They're talking about discharging you at the end of the day if you're okay." He says and I hear footsteps getting closer. I silently put my hand up telling him to stop moving closer to me.

"Okay," I respond putting my hand back in my lap before looking down and picking at my nail beds.

"Hope, stop that," Harry says but I continue picking, hissing in pain when I start to bleed. Hands grab mine making me jump and look up in fear, flashes of Andrew and Gabe go through my mind and I pull my hands back, pushing myself closer to the wall.

"I'm sorry," I whispered repeatedly, hugging my knees closer to my chest. After I calm down somewhat I see Harry looking at me with guilt and sorrow in his eyes.

"Don't look at me like that," I tell him getting up from the window and walking into the bathroom to change and try to look like an actual human being.

"Like what?" he questions leaning against the doorway with his arms crossed as I brush the knots out of my hair.

"Like I'm broken. I don't need to be reminded all the time, I already know I am." my voice is soft and I look in the mirror seeing him giving me the same look.

"You're still doing it." I put down the hairbrush, brushing past him to get my clothes.

"It's not like I mean to do it. And you're not broken," he grumbles and I scoff

"Yeah if I'm not broken then why the fuck am I here?" I grab the biggest shirt I can find and a pair of sweatpants before opening the other drawer to get my undergarments. I see a pair that looks similar to the ones I was wearing when I was taken and I begin to grip the drawer.