wanderings

what now?

I watch the news
Follow the reports
I thought I might feel some relief
Not just feeling some distant hope
But maybe the end of this actually happening

I knew I'd feel far from celebrating
But maybe just some joy
Of seeing loved ones again
Of getting back to the things
Resuming a life put on hold

I'm numb at best
On a good day I can pretend
To put on a smile
And fake my way though
Without too much effort

Difficult days my sarcasm slips
Caustic venom drips
Like tears from loss
To wide swaths of disappointment
Separating wheat from chaff

It's a long road to okay
As limbs drag heavy
Like chains through mud
In the absence of panic and rage
A contemplative emptiness resides

What now
With the push to normal
While there's still so much awful
Fearing the hubris of the lucky
And greed of the privileged

What do I do with this twisted mess
Of stretched out springs
Brittle rubber bands
And terrible coping mechanisms
Holding me together

What do I do with these walls
Impressive and intimidating.
Not to keep people away
But to keep my pessimism in
Preventing its roots growing elsewhere

I can't stay here
With my acrid mistrust
My wrung out anxiety
Floating helplessly untethered
As I venture into unfamiliar waters