TW: SEXUAL ASSAULT AND MENTIONS OF RAPE AND ALSO TALK OF MENTAL ILLNESSES
hey guys. you dont have to read this, I just wanted to get it off my chest.
so, about a year ago, I was sexually assaulted by a boy my age. we were dating, and I didn't know he was forcing me into doing shit. until I finally stopped being blind and noticed. one of my best friends helped me realize that.
so yesterday, I called with my psychiatrist because I needed refills on my medicine. I told her about the situation, and she asked if I wanted to press charges, and I said yes. I didn't know what I was thinking, because then she told my dad. she said we may have to get CPS involved (her advisor then told her they didnt have to)
but I mean, so people still not understand why teens dont tell people their feelings? like isn't it supposed to stay between us? I understand I said I wanted to press charges but right when she told my dad I changed my fucking mind because my dad doesnt know every little detail. no one knows every little detail except my best friend.
and with her, even if I could use her as a witness (because theres no proof and it'd be just a he say/she say), her mother wouldn't allow her. they're christian so they'd prolly think getting involved with the police will give them a bad rep, but I mean its HELPING someone in need. she was there to witness some of the forcing, ya know? she was there when I cried myself to sleep. when I woke up in the middle of the night screaming and crying because of the nightmares. she is the only other person that would help me.
but of course, the boy would tell his side and say some dumb shit. I dont even think he cares or remembers what happened. if he tells some dumb shit, it might give me an advantage, but irdk if I wanna get the police and a lawyer and a judge involved. plus, he may not even be charged! so if I went through all of that for nothing, im scared of what it'll do to my mental health. im already fucked up.
I mean yesterday after that damn call I broke down because of the stupid psychiatrist telling my dad and my dad being like oh she didnt tell me anything and oh it doesnt seem too bad now and oh its too late. like I didnt tell my dad shit because he's 1. my dad and 2. a guy. he doesnt take emotions well. I HAVE TOLD HIM that I was sexually assaulted! but he goes out here and LIES to my fucking psychiatrist.
like these people (dad, his gf, my mom) all think im better because its been a year. I still have FUCKING PANIC ATTACKS because im SCARED to leave my fucking house! im scared to go on my porch, even if he's 45 minutes away and wouldn't me up near my house for ANY reason.
like my anxiety was so bad when I started leaving my house (after I was getting a little better) that I thought I saw someone that looked like the guy walk into a store I was going into and I was having a fucking panic attack. I had to text my best friend because I couldn't breathe or see. like thats how scared I am.
but no one knows about my anxiety or depression or PTSD because NO ONE LISTENS to me! they just push it away and tell me to get over it. like its been A FUCKING YEAR and im still fucking scared to step out of my house. im scared to go to appointments in a hospital in another state in fear i'll see him when theres no possible way he'd also be there. I even DIDNT GO TO SCHOOL this year because that was part of the reason. it had only been a couple months after I realized and I couldn't see him.
I dont show my anxiety. but on the inside, my heart pounds and my stomach twists. I smile to cover up the fact I want to cry. of course you never see that im upset because I have to hide it! I have to hide it or they'll send me off again. I have to hide it or they'll take everything away from me again. thats why I hide my emotions. thats why I seem so happy.
anyways, im sorry I did this. I just have a lot of people that read this book and I had to tell someone. even if 10 people see this, thanks for reading.
I dont wanna get yall involved or anything. I just thought maybe you'd relate to me. idk..
sorry, again.
silver 5.27
