Letters to Nobody

five

Dear Remiel,

Humans are truly interesting, aren't they? I wonder if I were as interesting as the humans I'm spending my time with now. You must be wondering to why I'm going on about the joys of being alive and human. Well, it all started with a class Hope had. To be specific, it was an extra English class. Naturally, being an optional extra class, only the failing students attended.

The class consisted of Hope, Josh and the twins of the class, Rintaro Hiroyuki and Rantaro Hiroyuki.

" Alright, everyone. Today, we'll be practicing our verbal skills. I want all of you to speak briefly about the topic today. Today's topic is 'insecurities'" The teacher spoke. Her voice was stern and yet, comforting at the same time.

It was an odd topic to choose but I had a feeling that it had something to do with Josh's counselling sessions with her. Lately, he's been trying to get help after Hope and Rio talked to him out of starving himself for days on end. My suspicions were confirmed when I took a glace at Hope, who was looking at Josh with her annoyingly hopeful eyes. A small reassuring smile was plastered on her face.

" Anyone wants to go first?" the teacher continued on.

In true high school fashion, no one bothered to raise their hands. The twins in the class try to hide behind their books. They were probably trying to avoid speaking in English to the rest of the class. The class was probably silent for a solid minute or two before I almost lost my balance when Hope stood up.

" I'll go first" she meekly said, her eyes glancing at Josh before she made her way to the front of the classroom. I'm sure Josh knew what her glance meant. He pushed up his glasses, as if to hide his expression.

Hope cleared her throat before speaking.

" Like everyone, I too am insecure about a certain aspect in my life." She said. Hope's voice wavered a little. It wasn't noticeable to the rest but I could feel her shaking. She didn't think this through. Why was she doing this?

" I don't excel it sports or studies, I'm not that pretty or overly kind" she continued on, sounding like she's regaining her usual confidence.

" However, I'm alright with that. I'm insecure about my lack of academic intelligence and looks but I'm not letting that get in the way of my life. We all have merits to ourselves, we're all amazing in our own way" She preached.

" I try my hardest to support my friends and give everyone hope to believe in themselves. So, everyone, don't be afraid to talk about your insecurities and look for ways to improve yourself! I'm not very good at public speaking but I'm here, talking for all of you to support a dear friend of mine. He has something he wants to tell everyone and he just needs a little push. No matter how long he takes, I'll be here supporting him." She continued on, her gaze falling on Josh. The familiar smile returned on her face.

Her composed confidence broke down and she returned to her awkward self.

" B-but yeah, that's about it from me" she said before quacking shuffling to her seat.

Awkward silence filled the air. Only to be broken by the English teacher.

" That was nice. Let's move on, shall we? Anyone else would like to share?" the teacher said, smiling a little.

It didn't take as long for a student to take the floor this time. The man to grace the floor was Joshua Halogen himself. Okay, 'grace' is an overstatement. It was more of a 'dragging himself to the front to grace us with his presence'.

Josh was somehow more awkward and meek than Hope. He spoke quietly. He looks less of a skeleton compared to the last time he was at the front of the class. He still looked unhealthy though. At least he was getting better.

" I wasn't planning on talking today despite endless lectures from Hope and Rio to take care of myself. Though, that speech from Hope was the last straw." He said, as if it was a rant session.

" I hate how I look. I hate my body with a burning passion."

" I've been told that the digit I see on the weighing scale every day was too large and I was always pushed to reduce it. Needless to say, I'm tired of trying. It's a never ending cycle now, it's an impulse to feel guilty every time that number reaches the 40s" he continued on, voice filled with emotion.

" My sister is a successful K-Pop idol, admired by others. My mother is a retired pop star back in Korean, admired by men and women alike during her glory days. It's not fair that I'm known as the pudgy trainee idol."

I could've sworn I saw tears forming in the corner of his eyes.

" Even when I left the industry, I kept getting stares from my classmates. My weight was in the 30s and still, it wasn't enough. I kept getting called slurs and I had no friends."

He paused for a while. Probably to regain his composure.

" My father sent me to Japan this year in hopes that my mentality would improve. He hopes I leave my past behind. It's really hard and honestly, I don't know if I can." He said, looking defeated.

Another long pause from Josh.

" but I'll take my time to try. Mainly because I wouldn't want to see Hope as a granny, spending her life cheering me on"

He mustered a saddened smile. Hope returned it.

" I'm insecure about my weight because I'm afraid of how I look to others.. but I know now that my friends see me as I am without any expectations" he said before walking back to his seat.

Josh hasn't magically recovered from his eating disorder. Though, he is taking steps to getting better. Recently, Josh's weight hit 43 kilograms which is a huge achievement. Rio made cake to celebrate the milestone. He felt guilty about eating the cake but Hope reassured him that it was fine to treat himself once in a while.

This whole ordeal has lead me to write you this letter, Remiel. Although I haven't been human for a long time, I too, have an insecurity. I wish I knew more about myself. I feel safe telling you this. It must be because of the bond we could've shared back when I was alive.

Remiel,

I wish you could tell me who I am. I want to know who Goliad Pemberton was when he was alive. I want to know if he had any friends. I want to know how you viewed him because right now, I, Goliad, am a shell of the man who I used to be.

Yours truly,

Goliad.