Sleep Deprivation Poems

ADHD?

So this started out decent, but then kind of just turned into a rant. I'm sorry. Feel free to skip since it isn't good. I sorry.

I don't mean to yell.

I don't mean to shout.

I just do.

It just comes out.

I dont try to stop it because I can't.

I don't know why.

I don't know how.

J just do.

I don't mean to burst.

I don't mean to lose it all.

It just happens.

I don't mean to lose focus.

I don't mean to get distracted.

I try to focus.

I try to pay attention.

But if my brain doesn't like it,

It won't pay attention.

No matter how hard I try.

I don't mean to lose things.

I don't mean to forget things.

How am I meant to remember something,

If it doesn't concern me?

If I'm not I'm not interested.

I won't be able to learn it.

I might be able to memorize part of pi.

Or some random fact easily.

But I can't remember a grocery list

Or the car keys on the counter.

You yell at me because I'm forgetful.

Because I yell suddenly.

Because I can't focus.

Yet you joke about "medicating me"

Yet when I reply with a "maybe".

You brush it off.

You continue to berate me.

To scold me for things I honestly can't control.

I don't know what I feel when I do.

I feel empty 100% of the time.

I just am.

Am I angry?

Am I happy?

Am I sad?

I can't feel the difference.

I just act.

I dont control how I act.

I don't know how.

I've tried.

At times I've been succeed.

Most of the time I fail.

I feel like I can be better.

Like I can fix myself.

But how?

Do I need medicine?

Will that allow me to feel what my emotions are,

Like how people say they can do,

Though it's foreign to me.

Will it allow me to focus,

To remember little thing,

To keep my cool

When I don't even realize Ive lost it?

I don't know.

But how do I get help?

You've only ever joked about helping me.

Never taking me seriously when I say I need it.

Why?

Do you think that I too am joking?

That I too feel it's funny to make fun of needing meds?

I'm old enough to get my own appointment.

My own test.

But should I?

Can I truely do that on my own?

Am I even ready to face the possible truth?

The truth that my brain might not be right,

Even if it's the only way I've ever known?

And if so,

How do I fix it?

Will meds help?

Will they give me a glimpse of what a normal person is like?

And if it does,

Will I have to relearn how to feel?

How to use my brain,

And what to do with it?

Or should I continue to put it aside.

To let it take over even more and deal?

Should I face the facts that nothing might ever help me?

I don't know.

And I might never know.

(501 words.)