Lilac's Lies

19

It didn't take long before the effects of those four shots made their way to my mind.

It was like a blanket of warmth, covering me completely. I felt most of the tension from the night melt away. I wasn't thinking about Jesse anymore. I wasn't thinking about that night. I wasn't thinking about the lies that I was going to have to tell to explain the fact I didn't come home.

"You know, for someone who's so adamant that we don't know each other, you seem to have a certain level of trust for me." Roman shook me from my thoughts. He had moved from his position in the kitchen, sitting next to me on a bar stool. The stool I was sitting at was tall enough that my feet were dangling in the air. I swung them like a little girl, back and forth.

"What do you mean?" I asked him curiously.

"You're basically alone with me, in my apartment, and you're getting drunk." He said, pointing to the glass filled with booze in front of me.

"I figured you can't be worse than the people I already know." I slurred, saying the words before my brain had time to process them. I covered my look of regret of saying by taking another sip of rum.

Roman's face scrunched together as he took in my single sentence. "What do you mean?"

"Exactly what I said." I said quickly, trying to deflect from the fact I hadn't meant to say it at all.

"Why do you hang out with people who you obviously don't like?" Roman asked me, surprising me. I hadn't realized I made it so obvious.

"What do you mean?" I repeated his prior question to me.

"You know what I mean. You obviously don't like the people who you're around, so I'm asking you why stay around them." Roman clarified, though it wasn't necessary. I knew exactly what he meant the first time, I just didn't want to answer him.

"Maybe everything isn't as simple as it seems." I said quietly, taking another drink. Though, by now my head was starting to spin, so I wasn't sure if I needed it. I tipped the glass back until there was no more liquid left to drink.

"Why is everything not as simple as it seems, Lilac?" He asked me. While he said the words, I reached out for the bottle of rum, intending to pour myself some more. I didn't get the chance to grab it however, because Roman pushed it out of my reach.

I narrowed my eyes at him, but his face didn't budge.

"Why do you care?" I huffed at him, pushing my glass away from me, as it seems it was no longer needed.

"I'm curious about you." Roman said simply, as if that answered all my questions.

"I'm not curious about you." I lied through my teeth. I was curious about him, completely curious.

"Yes, you are." He smiled as he said it, as if he knew he caught me in a lie. "You can be honest, Lilac. I know you're curious about me."

"Why are you curious about me?" I asked him, completely disregarding his words.

Roman sat back against the back of his stool, raising his hand to swipe at his chin. "That's a good question."

"One you don't have the answer too, it seems." I said quickly, enjoying the fact I was on the winning end of this round.

"Maybe I do. Maybe you're just not ready to hear it." Roman told me, and I didn't understand his words at all. They sounded like a riddle, and I couldn't tell if it was because I was drunk or because he did it on purpose.

"I don't know what that means." I told him honestly, my mind too hazy for wit.

"That's okay." Roman laughed out. "So tell me, what's really going on with this boyfriend of yours?"

"There's nothing to tell." I told him, not knowing what else to say.

I couldn't tell him the truth, that's for sure. I couldn't tell him that Jesse wasn't really my boyfriend, but he used to be. And when he was my boyfriend, he did things a boyfriend is never supposed to do. I couldn't tell him that he was blackmailing me into staying with him. I couldn't tell him that he was able to blackmail me, because I had been present for a stupid prank that caused someone's death.

I couldn't say any of that.

"There's nothing to tell, yet you're here. You're here because you would had to run away from him. Why is that, Lilac?"

I didn't want to answer, so I changed the subject instead.

"Have you ever fallen in love?" I asked him, my eyelids closed together like they were kissing in slow motion. I don't know why I was asking him, I don't know why I cared. I don't know why I was curious about Roman, but all I knew was I couldn't stop wondering about him.

"Fallen in love? No. I don't think so." He said, and his tone was free of judgment from my unusual question. "I don't think I've ever looked in the same direction long enough to do that."

I nodded at his words. I understood them, but I couldn't relate in any way.

"I've fallen in love with every guy I've ever dated. It didn't matter if they treated me good or bad. It didn't matter if they saw who I was or they didn't. It didn't matter whether they knew I hated the colour purple because it's the colour of everything my dad used to buy me, when he tried to make up for the fact he was never around. It didn't matter if they tried to know everything about me, or if they didn't care to do that at all. It didn't matter to me, I fell in love with them anyways. Maybe I fell out of love with them, and that's the part that matters in the end... but that's not the part that matters to me. Why do I fall in love with people who don't love me back?" I leaned my head back, feeling that pit of dark blue in my stomach again.

"Why do I do that?" It's like I was asking myself the question. It's not like Roman could know the answer after all.

"Sounds like your searching for the love we all need the most." He answered me, and I noticed the way he was looking at me, like he felt sorry for me.

"And what love is that?" I asked him, my voice was so light it felt like a breath.

"The love you can only get from yourself." Roman said.

That sounded too deep for me to comprehend right now, so I laid my head in my arms, fighting the heaviness that had come over my eyes. Roman chuckled when he noticed what I was doing. He tapped my shoulder, and he leaned into me when my head didn't raise.

"You can't sleep here. Do you want my bed?" He asked me.

"No." I said immediately. Who knew what would happen if I slept beside Roman while I was intoxicated?

"Couch for you, then." Roman told me, standing up and using his arm to hoist me off the stool. Once I felt my feet steady below me, I shrugged his arm away.

He didn't protest as he let me go. He walked in front of me, and I followed him as best I could. Though I had to reach along the wall as I walked. I was intent on not giving Roman another opportunity to see me embarrassed.

Once he led me to the couch, I flung my body on top of it. I grabbed one of the many pillows laying beside me, pulling it under my head. Roman disappeared for a moment, but I didn't have to wonder where for long. He was back only a moment later, a fluffy white blanket in his head. He sat down beside me, leaning over and covering my body with the blanket.

"Where did all the energy from earlier go, Roman?" I slurred out, and as I was saying the words, I already knew it was a mistake to say them. "About feeling this." I used my finger to point between us.

Roman laughed, shaking his head. "Does it surprise you that I don't try to have sex with drunk girls?"

"Who said anything about sex?" I asked him, closing my eyes and relaxing my body.

Roman laughed again, continuing to spread the blanket out so I was fully covered. He halted his movements while his head was beside mine, and I opened by eyes again out of curiosity.

"Don't mistake my intentions, Lilac. If you had stayed sober tonight, you'd be in my bed. And you'd be naked." He whispered into my ear, before he turned and walked down the hallway.