COVID Is a P*ssy Compared to the Pandemic Living In My Brain (A YoonMin Fan Fic)

As Much As My Heart Flutters, I'm Afraid

"Baby I'm so tired of the way you turn my words into

Deception and lies

Don't misunderstand me when I try to speak my mind

I'm only saying what's in my heart..."

Cupid, 112

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Around May 08, 2015

Jimin was recollecting BTS' performance of "I Need U" that was recorded for KBS Music Bank earlier that day. He is amazed at how cohesive the group looked despite the oppressive air of impending implosion. Jimin knows that his hyungs, Seokjin, Hoseok, and Namjoon, are hiding something from him about Yoongi. Yoongi is avoiding him and refusing to look at him even more than usual. Jung Kook and Taehyung are blissfully unaware of the details but still hover about with concerned expressions and the diversory conversations. The frivolity during the interviews for the promotion of their new EP is an act for which they all should be awarded. Jimin hates this lying.

The compound is eerily quiet for a house filled with 7 young men and various staff, and gives Jimin a sense of privacy as enters the kitchen some time after 2 in the morning. He can't sleep. He has not slept through the night for over three weeks since the incident, since Yoongi fainted at his feet. Jimin couldn't erase the image of the man he was falling in love with collapsing. He was unable to do anything except call for help. Jimin hated feeling helpless, especially around Yoongi.

Jimin knows how the others view him. Jimin also knows how his critics view him as a dainty, fragile, porcelain doll. "I'm not," Jimin whispers to himself while checking out his reflection in the stainless steal refrigerator door. "I'm strong. Dancers are strong," he said and flexed until he made himself laugh. "I am pretty, though," he teases himself before opening the refrigerator. He pulls out two tangerines. They're Yoongi's favorite, and he shouldn't eat them but fuck Yoongi. If he doesn't want Jimin to eat his tangerines, he should talk to him. Jimin realizes that his frustration and jealousy is making him unusually mean towards Suga. "That's not the best way to get someone to like you," he scolds the tangerine in his hand.

Jimin peels the fruit in one unbreakable spiral, and imagines how adorable it would be to feed Yoongi fruit. Then, Jimin thinks about Namjoon. He and Yoongi have been particularly chummy since the incident. Namjoon is always close behind Yoongi, rubbing his wrist or patting his shoulder. "They're too close," Jimin concludes and clenches his jaw, suddenly envious of Namjoon's fingers. Maybe Yoongi doesn't want him because he and Namjoon have a thing going on. "Impossible," Jimin thinks but that could be the secret everyone is tip-toeing around. He couldn't have misread Yoongi's body language that badly for so long, but it's hard to read Yoongi in general. Maybe, just maybe, Namjoon can get him to open up. Jealousy burns through Jimin's stomach and he shoves two sections of the tangerine in his mouth to cool the sensation.

"I should be happy that Suga-hyung is happy," Jimin tells the last section of the fruit. "But he'd be happier with me." Jimin pushes the second tangerine into his pajama pocket and hops off the counter. Jimin decides he's going to wrestle a straight forward declaration out of Yoongi's lips one way or the other.

---

After they returned home from recording their performance, Yoongi disappeared into his studio. Song ideas were pinging around his brain, and he wanted to get them out before he tried to sleep. Since his panic attack, Namjoon had been his rock and the one who helped him fall asleep. Namjoon was taking deep pains in making sure Yoongi was keeping up with his mental health care, getting an adjustment to the dosage of his meds and having more check-ins with his therapist. The only thing Namjoon couldn't convince Yoongi to do was confess his feelings to Jimin.