Pain - A TommyInnit Angst

Chapter 20

Knock.

Knock.

Knock.

Tommy tensed up at the harsh sounds, immediately transported back to his house with his parents. He relaxed slightly when he remembered where he was. A nurse entered and told him it was time for dinner, and he became panicky again.

He trudged down to the cafeteria with the nurse and was relieved to see Matt sitting alone at a table, already eating. He nervously went to join him, irritated by the nurse following him and sitting down next to them.

Matt grinned. 'So you're one of those ones?'

Tommy looked at him in confusion and he laughed. 'Don't worry, I've been there. You know, people supervising you and making sure you eat and shit.'

Tommy nodded, slightly smiling. The smile was knocked clean off his face when the nurse momentarily left, returning with a plate of food for him. He nervously looked at his plate; it was filled with pasta covered in a rich, creamy sauce, overcooked broccoli stacked on the side of the plate.

Images of scales, knives and his parents grinning faces flickered through his mind and he swallowed. He pushed the plate away. 'I can't.' He whispered. The nurse began to protest but was cut off by Matt.

'Bro, I completely understand but you gotta eat. Otherwise they'll put you on a feeding tube, and that's proper shit.' He paused for a second, looking at Tommy, before grabbing his knife and fork and beginning to move the food on Tommy's plate.

'Look, this is what I do if I'm finding it difficult. Separate out the food into different corners of the plate and start with eating the things that feel the easiest, and then move onto the harder things.'

He moved the broccoli to one side of the plate, picked chunks of ham out of the sauce and placed them on the opposite side, and then moved the pasta to the other side.

'Look, son, why don't you start with the broccoli?' The nurse gently suggested.

Tommy shakily stabbed a piece of broccoli with his fork, placed it in his mouth, and forced himself to swallow. He slowly moved his way across the areas of the plate until he had finished the entire meal. Matt congratulated him, but Tommy quickly stood up.

'I need to go to the bathroom. Can you please show me where it is?' He asked the nurse.

'Sorry kid, you have to stay in the communal space for another hour before going to the bathroom.'

Tommy felt a knot of panic form in his stomach. He had to get the food out of his system. He had to.

'N-no, you don't understand, I really need the bathroom. Please.' His voice had begun to shake, and Matt sighed.

'Just wait an hour. Then you can go.' The nurse said. Tommy's breathing begun to speed up and he sat back down in his seat, clutching the edge of the table in panic.

'It's not worth it Tommy.' Matt said quietly.

'You don't get it. I can't fucking do this.' Tommy began to sob quietly. Images of his parents' faces filled his mind and he buried his face in his hands as he imagined facing them in court having put on all this weight. His breathing became faster and he felt salty tears flowing down his cheeks.

He felt a hand on his back, and although he knew it was meant to be comforting, all he could think about was his father's hands on his back, holding him down whilst his mother carved into him. He flinched away violently, knocking a neighbouring chair over.

'N-no, please d-don't-' He stuttered, trying to stand up, but the nurse put her hand on his shoulder, trying to push him back down into his chair. All Tommy could think about was being pushed down, his head pushed into the pillow whilst he tried to scream, tried to breathe, but ended up suffocating.

He started to claw at his neck, his eyes glazing over, whimpering as he collapsed back into his seat.

'Son, you're okay, nobody is gonna hurt you.' The nurse said softly, and Tommy felt himself slightly brought back to the present, but the adrenaline from his blinding panic still coursed through his veins. He put his head in his hands, leaning his elbows on the table as he shook, trying to get his breathing back under control. Eventually, he looked back upwards, his eyes puffy from crying.

'Dickhead parents?' Matt asked casually, and Tommy hesitantly nodded.

'Same.' Matt gave him a forced smile. 'The flashbacks get better after a while. You'll be good, just give it some time.' And with that, he stood up and walked out of the cafeteria, leaving Tommy at the table with the nurse.

'P-please can I go to the bathroom now?' Tommy begged, his voice hoarse.

'Kid, I'm not going to give in. Let's go sit on that sofa over there. Only forty-five minutes left and then you can go to the bathroom.'

Tommy swallowed, realising that no matter how much he pled, he wasn't going to get anywhere with this nurse.

He thought about the plate of food he had eaten, numbers running through his mind as he tried to figure out an approximation for the calories, still unable to get the image of his parents in the courtroom out of his head.

'Look, let's go sit over there and try to get you a bit calmer?' The nurse sounded kind, but he wanted to scream at her. She didn't understand; if she did, she would surely let him go to the bathroom. Although he wanted to shout exactly what was on his mind, Tommy complied and slowly stood up, legs still shaking. He was relieved to see that none of the other kids had been fazed by his panic attack; it was probably a regular mealtime occurrence.

Walking with the nurse, he saw a group of people sitting at a table that was covered in pencils and other art equipment, and an idea bloomed in his mind.

'Uh, could we go over there?' He asked timidly, pointing to the table. The nurse nodded, seemingly pleased that he wanted to join in with the activities. But Tommy had other ideas.

He sat down at the table and waited until the nurse was distracted by a question from another patient, when he hurriedly slipped a pencil sharpener into his sleeve, gripping the hem of his sleeve to ensure it didn't fall out. He quickly drew some lines and shapes on a piece of paper to pacify the nurse, and finally the time had come when he was allowed to go to the bathroom.

Rushing past the nurse as she lead him to the bathroom, he locked the door and leant over the loo, jamming three fingers down his throat.