Unspoken

~ Chapter Eleven ~

Snow blanketed the ground, white and soft. The air was cold, but the sun shone behind the clouds, making it bearable. The breeze was soft, but cold.
We'd gotten three inches of snow over night, and it had continued to snow throughout the morning, finally slowing before noon. I'd just finished a large lunch of finger sandwiches and tea with Ari before she had to continue working, and I'd decided I wanted to take a walk through the gardens.
I was wearing skin tight jeans and white laced boots, with a knitted white sweater and a matching beanie. I'd pulled on a tan winter jacket and a grey scarf before heading outside. I hadn't bothered with gloves, and now my fingers were numb with cold.
I trailed them along the bushes as I passed, watching the powdery snow fall from their branches to the ground. There was a squirrel skittering around at the base of a nearby tree, weary of my presence. As I moved further down the path, it scurried up the trunk, disappearing into a hole it must have chewed through the trunk.
I sighed, my breath crystallizing in the air. I'd been home for two weeks now, and had been avoiding Noah. I'd locked myself in my room for the first three days, only allowing Ari in. I'd told her everything, and she'd comforted me. I'd realized that maybe I cared for Noah a lot more than I'd like to admit, and the knowledge tormented me.
I'd been refusing to join Noah for dinner, but he hadn't pushed the matter. The first three nights he stood outside of my bedroom door, asking me to come down. He said he needed to talk to me, and had apologized for his harsh words. I couldn't let it go, though, so I never responded. Any time I'd seen him in the house, I'd retreated before he could notice me.
My chest still ached, and maybe I just wasn't ready to confront him. Or maybe I was avoiding him because I was afraid of what he'd say. I honestly didn't know, but I couldn't speak to him, yet. His words had cut too deep, and I couldn't see any way to fix the mess between us.
I didn't believe what he'd said. I knew he cared for me, but for whatever reason, he was determined to crush any connection we had. Maybe he's already succeeded.
I'd been studying since our return, scouring through history and geography books, hoping to find something that would help me when I escaped. I couldn't wait any longer, and I couldn't stay here in the society, now that I knew the truth.
I wasn't foolish enough to think that Mr. Wickenburgh and President Volenski had told me everything, but they'd told me enough to fuel the flames. You took gasoline to fire and told me to control it.
My father had told me to find the rebellion. That's exactly what I planned to do, but first I needed to gather as much information as I could. Maybe something I could find would help the rebels win. Maybe not, but the small chance was worth the pause in my plans.
Ari was going to the Amaranth museum this Friday, and she'd gotten permission from Noah to take me. Thankfully, he wouldn't be accompanying us, and was instead going to send Nathan in his place.
I was hoping there would be something useful there. I just need one, powerful bit of information.
I'd sent a letter to Noah through Ari, requesting some items. He'd sent one back, confirming that he'd have them delivered today. Among those items would be a notebook and a set of writing utensils. I would use the notebook to help me organize what I'd learned, and I'd already found a place to stash it in the green house gardens. I'd requested a waterproof box for that purpose.
I'd recovered the photographs and maps from my first attempt at escape, and kept them tucked under my sleeve for safe keeping. I could feel the edges of the maps biting my inner arm, a constant reminder of my need for freedom.
I tilted my head back, looking up at the cloudy grey sky. The fresh air was nice, and exactly what I needed to clear my head. I felt a little more alive as the crisp air filled my lungs, and though my chest still ached, I knew I would be alright. I have to be.
        I wanted to convince Noah and Ari to leave with me. Finch, Nora, Lizzy, and Zen too. I didn't know how to bring it up, though, without being overheard. I was certain Noah would refuse, and maybe everyone else would, too. It hurt to leave any of them behind, but I knew I might have to.
       I continued to walk through the garden, passing the garage. Armed guards stood at the doors, but they smiled and waved as I passed. How could you see a threat in a harmless little girl? I smiled back and waved, stumbling over my boot. This caused them to laugh, and one asked if I was okay.
      I nodded and continued my walk, stopping as a rabbit hopped across the path, disappearing into a nearby bush. Looks like I'm not the only one enjoying the day. I smiled, trailing my hand along the bushes as I moved.
       Natalia always wanted a rabbit, but pets were banned in the communities. Fish were the only exceptions, and after killing her fourth beta in a row, she'd given up on those. I'd always wanted a dog, more specifically, a German shepherd. That was something my father and I had in common.
      Many of the keepers patrolled with dogs, and they were typically German shepherds or pit bulls. My father and I would watch from the second floor balcony, commenting on all of the dogs, and longing to pet them. It was forbidden, though, and so everyone, including us, avoided them.
       Many people in the communities were terrified of dogs. They were often used to chase down anyone that dared to run after breaking the law, and there were a lot of desperate people where I lived. I assumed other communities were the same. I'd never feared the keepers, though, until they killed my parents.
There was never enough to eat, in my community. Even though we received rations, they were never enough to satisfy our hungry stomachs. Sometimes, people were desperate enough to steal food from the keepers. They almost always got caught, and the keepers stood by as the dogs attacked them, intervening only after their teeth had torn and punctured the thief's flesh. Many people ended up hospitalized due to infection after that, though rarely anyone died. Even so, I couldn't fear the animals.
Zen had a dog. Angelina did, too. His was an old German Short-haired Pointer named Fawn, and hers was a Doberman Pincher named Brutus. Apparently the ban didn't apply to high-class citizens. When I'd met Fawn, I'd silently wondered if Noah had ever had a pet.
Probably not. He's too afraid to let anyone close. I'd bet that applies to animals, too. I walked towards the greenhouse, considering going for a swim. I kept a clean bathing suit near the pool, since I swam frequently, and hated having to go back to my room to change every time I decided I wanted to swim.
Why the hell not? I sighed, opening the doors, and letting them swing shut behind me. I hummed softly to myself as I wound through the familiar pathways. I lifted my swimsuit from a tanning chair, and stripped where I stood, pulling it on quickly.
        The red fabric was still damp from last night's swim. I hadn't been able to sleep, so I'd come down here, hoping to tire myself out. It hadn't worked, and I felt grumpy and exhausted.
        I slipped into the luke-warm water, swimming slowly towards the deep end of the pool. I lay on my back, floating on the water's surface as I stared up through the green house ceiling high above me. The jungle trees rose high, reaching for the sunlight filtering through the clouds.
         The air was humid, but smelled pleasant. Captive jungle birds fluttered and sang in the branches, which had likely been their home since birth. Fans replicated gentle breezes, jostling decorative wind chimes that were hung throughout the greenhouse.
          I closed my eyes, relaxing as the water loosened my muscles. It was so peaceful here, and no one ever disturbed me. Ari had informed me that there were many blind spots in the cameras here, and she'd shown me every one. Naturally, the greenhouse had become the only place I felt safe, and truly alone with my thoughts. It was peaceful.
     I imagined just letting myself fall asleep, my body sinking in the water. I could almost feel the bottom of the pool press against my back, the marble cool, like a winter embrace. How easy it would be to just let the water take me away, to escape forever. But that would be the same as giving up.
       I sighed, opening my eyes and moving upright. I kept myself afloat, swimming to the side of the pool, where a wrap around bench waited. I knelt on it, folding my bare arms on the side of the pool. I watched a pair of birds perched on a nearby branch, singing and whistling to each other.
       "I wish I could fly like you, you know," I said to them. They started at the sound of my voice, flapping quickly away. "If I could, then maybe I could find true freedom. Maybe I could even fly to the stars."
        My mother had always told me that the ones we loved never left us. They waited for us, just out of sight. She said they became our angels. I wanted to believe it, but a large part of me doubted.
Are you waiting for me on the other side? I wondered. Mom. I never thought I'd have to lose you. I never wanted to lose any of you. When I couldn't sleep, or when I cried, sometimes I thought I could feel her warmth. Sometimes I could almost hear her voice as she sang to me, running her fingers through my hair.
Can you see me now? What would you tell me to do? I just want to go back. I took advantage of the time we had, and now I'd do anything to get it all back. I miss you. I miss you all so much. Why did you have to leave me? I feel like I'm breaking, and I have no one left to turn to. I don't want to be alone anymore.
      I resisted the tears stinging in my eyes. I need you here with me. A sob caught in my throat, and I dove backwards into the water, letting my body sink as I'd imagined. I was so used to having you in my life, that I didn't realize what I had. I grimaced as my back pressed against the bottom, the cold seeping into my skin as bubbles of air left me.
My golden hair curled in the water, floating around me. The water made my open eyes sting, but I could see the light reflecting on the surface of the water, creating patterns on the pool walls and floor, and over my creamy pink skin.
I rested my hands on the bottom of the pool, pushing myself up. I rose slowly to the surface, feeling it break over my face, the water dripping down my face and hair.
I blinked in surprise as I turned around. Noah stood at the edge of the pool, watching me. I swam backwards, away from him, pulling myself back onto the bench.
"You scared me for a moment," he said, unbuttoning his shirt. "I thought you'd drowned."
"What would you care, anyway?" I snapped, glaring at him. I was being unfair, and I knew it, but I was angry with him. He'd hurt me.
"We need to talk," he sighed and his shirt fell to the floor as he undid his belt. "You haven't really given me a chance."
"Why should I talk to you?" I demanded, my cheeks beginning to burn with my anger. He let his pants drop, revealing black and blue swim trunks.
"At least give me a chance to explain," he stepped down to the first step. I scrambled out of the pool immediately, walking swiftly towards my clothes. "Nevaeh, please," he said, walking towards me. He cut me off halfway to the tanning chair I'd been aiming for.
"What do you want from me, Noah?" I glowered impatiently. "You know what? I don't care. Let me through."
"Nevaeh," he caught my arm as I moved to push past him. His touch, which had been absent for so long, sent electricity sparking through my veins, and I looked up at him, startled as I pulled away from him.
"I don't want to hear it," I said. My voice broke, giving me away as I turned my back to him.
"Why won't you let me explain? Let me fix this," he said, clearly frustrated. I whirled around to face him jabbing my finger into his chest. I glared up at him as I spoke.
"You fucked up your chances of fixing this, dude," I snapped, stepping closer. "I don't want to hear anything you have to say. In fact, I don't want anything to do with you ever again. I'd rather run wet and naked through a fucking blizzard than feel the way you make me feel.
"You're selfish, stubborn, rude, irritating, and down right infuriating. I'm done with your hot one minute cold the next attitude. I am a human being, and you had no right to manipulate and use me.
"But hey, I get it," I stepped back. "We live in a fucked up time, and I'm just a sex toy, but I have feelings, Noah. I'm just as human as you are. You hurt me.
"I can't do this anymore," I looked away from him, watching a large blue butterfly land on a nearby flower.
"Nevaeh, everything I said-" he began, but I cut him off.
"No."
"Nevaeh-"
"Dammit, Noah, I said no!" I shouted, shoving him away. He stumbled back, but didn't seem angry.
"Why won't you talk to me?" he asked, exasperated.
"Why won't I talk to you?" I laughed. "Because I fucking hate you, Noah."
"You...hate me?" he tried out the words, his onyx eyes stunned.
"Yes," my voice broke. "I hate you. I was so terrified of being alone that I honestly believed you cared. I'm tired of the games, and you're a jerk when you're with other people. Believe me, all I want is to accept your apology and let things go back to how they were, but I don't think I can. You really fucking hurt me. So yes, I hate you.
"I hate how you are when we're not alone, I hate how full of yourself you act. I hate the lies, and the cruel words you use to push me away. I hate how you make me feel used, but I still feel drawn to you.
"I hate how I want you. I hate that you acted like you wanted me, and then asked someone else to marry you. Now I can't help comparing myself-and how could I hold a candle to her? She's so perfect I want to smash her face in," tears were falling now, and he was silent, his expression filled with regret. "I've lost everyone and everything I loved. You were all I had left. Dammit, Noah, I hate that you let me fall in love with you."
"First you hate me, now you love me?" he responded slowly. "Which is it?"
"Both," my voice caught in my throat. As I said the next words, I finally realized that they were true. "I'm so in love with you it kills me. I hate you, because you let me love you, when I never had your heart to begin with. You were never with me."
His lips came down hard on mine, and he gripped me to him. I wanted to melt into him, to return the kiss as butterflies filled my blood burned. Instead, I shoved him away, slapping him hard across the face. "I deserved that," he said, turning to face me. I glared at him gritting my teeth as I stepped back.
He stepped towards me, cupping my face in his hands and forcing me to look at him. "Nevaeh, my love," he brushed my hair out of my face, leaning his forehead against mine. "I didn't mean any of it. I was trying to protect you, but instead I've hurt you."
"You knew you were hurting me," I squirmed, trying to get free.
"Yes, but I was afraid of losing you, like I lost Natalia," his eyes were so sad it made my chest ache.
       "You're not the only one who lost her," I snapped.
       "I know. Believe me, I know. Nevaeh, I do care about you. I really, really do," his voice was gentle, almost pleading.
"Not enough," I shook my head in his hands.
"How can I fix this?" he pleaded, his eyes both scared and almost desperate.
"I don't know if you can," I said slowly, finally freeing myself as I pushed against his chest. His hands fell to his sides, and his expression was lost, almost helpless.
I pulled my clothes on over my swimming suit, not caring that I was getting them wet as I shoved my boots onto my feet. My heart was racing, my hands trembling as I tightened the laces and stood, turning to leave.
"If it's worth anything," he said slowly, his voice so broken it made me pause. "Despite everything, I've fallen for you, too."
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