love, a complicated thing indeed

i'm not made of love

The darkness was engulfing her, trapping her within herself. She couldn't breathe, couldn't move, couldn't think. What was happening? Was she dead? did her plan work? Or did he find her? What about her baby? Was it alive? As that thought crossed her mind an unbearable wave of agony struck her heart, what if she had killed her baby?? What if this was all for nothing and she survived this after all, but she lost her child. The child she had begged to disappear for so long, and now, now, after killing her baby, now she loved it, now she wanted the child she had killed.... But only after she had killed it. Her heart was breaking, it was a pain she had never felt before, nothing was quite like it. Her child couldnt be dead! her poor, sweet baby! What had she done?! She really did deserve this after all. But not her baby, her baby was innocent, and she had killed it! What kind of person did that make her? A cold sensation engulfed her as she slowly slipped away once more, leaving her hostile thoughts far behind.

A familiar voice sent her crashing back to reality as her eyes slipped open, only to be met by the distraught face of jay halstead. With a deep breath, she readied herself for the conversation to come, sub-consciously placing her hand over her small baby bump as she began to internally panic, dreading the questioning she would be faced with. "why?", he pleaded, it wasn't even question, more of a silent plea for her to stop avoiding this and explain her actions to him. He couldn't understand. Of course, he can't understand, she thought, he had no idea where the bruises had come from, had no idea that the child she had carried was his. Had carried. She had lost the baby, Afterall. His question was met with silence as she closed her eyes and turned to face away from him, tears welling in her eyes. She couldn't do this; she wasn't strong enough. Her silence only encouraged him further, his rage and confusion only rising with each second without a reply, "how did it get this bad, Hailey. Why didn't you come to me?", his voice shook with sadness as she turned to look him in the eye, before simply responding, "is it dead?".

"it? Oh! Oh- umm... no, Hails, she's ok", jay swiftly responded, stumbling over his words as he glanced towards the ground. Why was she asking him about her child with another man? "do you want me to call you boyfriend? David?", he continued, dreading the thoughts of them together that plagued his mind relentlessly. "no!", she practically yelled, the pure and utter terror in her voice shocking him to his core. "what's going on Hailey? The bruises... did he do that?!", he gently questioned, terrified of saying the wrong thing, terrified of her shutting him out again. "jay, its nothing... it was my fault", she attempted to disguise the fear in voice, but he saw right through her lies. "Hailey, this is not your fault! I swear to god ill bury that bastard 10 feet under!", jay practically screamed as Hailey visibly flinched at the loud noise. She was scared. Scared of him.

Jay stood up to leave the room, when Hailey's voice interrupted him, "im sorry", she whispered into the silence. He reacted immediately, turning back to her and reassuring her, "no! Hailey, you have nothing to be sorry for!". She shook her head silently, refusing to allow herself the tears that threatened to spill from her weary eyes. "im sorry", she repeated, refusing to accept his answer. It was now or never, she decided; she had to tell him. "the baby, its.... It's yours", she had finally told him, but seeing the look of confusion then shock that crossed his face left her feeling more uncertain then ever before. What if he didn't want her anymore? What if he didn't want this baby? What if he thought she was broken now, he would never look at her the same again! All these thoughts sent her brain rushing into a fully-fledged panic attack as she silently but desperately pleaded for air.