⚠️Tw: self harm
HARRY
I know I told Louis not to worry and that he would be okay, I know he would be. He loves this sort of thing. He was going to do great and I'm so proud of him. I know he's so talented and, despite what he has been through he always stayed strong.
I might have lied to him that I would be fine on stage, but I wanted to do this, I really did but it's being broadcasted all over England. If we mess up we make a fool of ourselves. Lou quit his job and I don't know what we'd do. I played with the cheap fabric around my wrist. I love louis so much and he is- My thoughts were interuppted when a man dressed in all black came up to us and said "one direction, you guys are up next, good luck"
"are you guys ready? we can do this yeah" Liam said trying to convince himself more than us, really.
"yes Li, i think so" lou said for his sake too.
We walked onto the stage, lou was shaking but niall was in between us, i put my hand behind nialls back and held louis hand and squeesed it. It calmed my nerves too actually.
Simon asked what our names were, ages and name of the band. He then wished us luck. i realased lous hand once he signaled to me he was going to be okay. I would walk through fire for him. He has me wrapped around his little finger but i wouldnt have it any other way.
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"wow, you guys are all so talented.." simon started
"i feel like there is a but coming" louis interupted
"well theres not."
He asked all the judges what they thought they all said yes, I started to feel warm inside I was smiling, a real smile, not a fake one I used in-front of my family and then as usual it was ruined, I can't be happy for one minute can I, my smile was wiped clean of my face and I had to stop myself from crying. When it came to Louis Walsh he said something which hurt me so much, I was finally feeling better about myself and he ruins it. The boys could tell though, they always could.
"I'm sorry it's a no from me, you guys are young, i dont think that you work as a group and i also dont think this is an image we want to put out there.." he said glaring at my wrist.
He was interrupted by the crowds boos and Simon too "I don't think they booed you enough there, well done boys you have three yes's"
I mumbled thanks or something into the microphone before we all walked of stage.
Once we got home i just went to our bedroom and stared at the thames from our window. I just sat there my thoughts drowning me, but it was nice, i missed it. But they were telling me to do things that i didnt want to do,i didnt want to go back to the place i was in, but i could feel myself slipping back "Harry I'm so sorry about what he said it's not true an.." Louis started breaking my thoughts.
"It's okay" I mumbled but it wasn't okay. It wasnt okay and it never was, i am too broken for anyone to be able to fix me. I passed the point of return along time ago, but I can't let Lou see that. Hes still worried about my schizophrenia, I am taking medication but clearly today it got the better of me.
"But it's not haz, what he said was so inappropriate you don't deserve it" Louis looked so mad and upset at the same time. "Please don't hide things from me, especially your feelings" I just looked down, at my shoes like the pathetic idiot i am. I dont know why Louis Walsh got to me, all the other judges said nice things maybe its because im week as shit. Or maybe he was right. Either way it hurt, it hurt knowing that thats all people will ever recognise me as. I didnt even realise i was crging until louis interuppted my thoughts.
"hey, dont cry baby" he said wiping a tear from my cheak with the back of his thumb. "come on, we did so well, yeah we go back tomorrow and then we can do things better".
"Lou they came back, the voices." I mumbled in between tears.
"Baby, you know it's not true right. I love you so much please don't forget that, you are perfect in every way shape or form". Louis was crying now he was so scared that he was going to loose me. And so was I. We heard a knock on the bedroom door interrupting what we were discussing - it was Niall telling us that the food had arrived.
"We will be out in a minute"
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The next morning I didn't forget my bracelet. I didn't want to go through that again. Today we find out who is going through to boot camp.
Louis is still asleep he looks so small and pretty. His arm is still wrapped around me holding me tight I was always a little spoon and Lou a big one. I felt safe. It was weird but also nice I never felt like that with anyone else, but then again nobody had ever loved me like Lou does. I didn't feel worthless all the time anymore. I wasn't completely there but I was so close. Louis was starting to wake up.
"Morning baby" he said In a raspy voice.
"morning" I tried to smile, but I clearly failed I was doing so well, finally feeling happy and then he had to go ruin it.
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When we got there they sent us straight backstage to see who was going to boot camp. I saw Liam out of the corner of my eyes his eyes were glossy and red. I let go of lous hand and sat next to him, I realised that we haven't really had time chat properly for a while.
LIAM
I played with the drawstring of my hoodie, I had to stop myself crying some way. Niall looked so happy with maddie and same with Lou and Harry. I miss Zayn so much I shouldn't but I do. I miss him holding me at night when I was sad. I miss him kissing me and caring. I looked at the message he sent me last night:
from zayn: hi Li congratulations on your results. you deserve it, you are so talented and have worked so hard for this. Tell the guys I said well done.
Harry was about to walk over to me and say something but then we were called on stage with everyone else to see if we were going to boot camp so he didn't have a chance. We walked to the wings and the director told all of the people who had gotten through the auditions through to go on stage we walked on along with 20 or so other people and zayn, but he was 5 people away from us. To close for my liking.
Simon said that they could only let 10 acts through. He let 10 people through but not us. Nor zayn.
"Sorry guys thats it"
We walked of stage and we each had to do a small interview, or rather say how we felt, just as i was about to do mine, someone (dressed head to toe in black) came to the group of people who were turned away and said, "the judges would like to see Niall Horan, Zayn Malik, Liam Payne, Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson back on stage". I was so confused they just threw me out. And now they want me back? With Zayn? My stomach clenched. I knew this was going to be a bad idea to audition. Now I have to face Zayn, after what he said last night. I look at the boys they look as confused as me.
"Well, we might as well" Niall said said asif it was up to him.
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