shattered|| taekook

2

Dear Diary,

It hurt. Everything was blurry, I wanted to run and hide in a hole and never come out of it. It felt like my heart was being ripped in pieces, teared in shreds. With your hands.

Yoongi hyung and everyone instantly looked at me, I saw their eyes glistening with pity. And I hated myself at that moment. You made me hate myself, Jungkook. I felt humiliated.

Watching you kiss Jimin in the hallway, so deeply, so intensely that you didn't even notice that I was there.

I ran away, but I think you saw me running when Yoongi hyung called my name, from the corner of my eyes I saw you looking at me. I thought you'll come.

What a pity.

--2:03 a.m.

****
Dear Diary,

Yoongi hyung is not only sweet but also a funny guy, he teased Hoseok hyung saying that he couldn't decide 'which' to choose cause he was Bi. Hoseok hyung started whining and yelling, laughed so hard. I actually heard myself laughing, Jungkook.

Since I saw you kissing two weeks ago, I was broken. Namjoon hyung and Jin hyung are very kind and friendly, they helped me cope a little and fed me. More like held me down and stuffed my mouth while Hoseok hyung gave background music.

It felt good. I am not lonely anymore.

But I feel like I am.

Everytime I write these entries, and relive the burns your wounds caused. I feel the pain of not being with you.

--1:22 a.m.

*****
Dear Diary,

Yoongi hyung and I went for groceries to mall and he started judging chicken and vegetables so hard, that I almost cried while laughing. He started chuckling but soon joined in.

I was laughing so hard that I didn't even realize my back bumped someone's chest and when I turned around....It was you. You looked pissed.

You had a fight? Were you worried for assignments? Maybe your head started to ache again? Does Jimin knows that you need chocolate milkshake right now?

I wanted to ask, but I didn't. I just cleared my throat and moved aside, you stared for few moments and I found strange interest in the white marble flooring of the mall.

Yoongi hyung apologised on my behalf chuckling wrapping arm around my shoulder, while I was successful in supressing my laughter when he glanced at the cauliflower we bullied.

You walked away after few moments and we bursted out laughing again.

But now my throat hurts from holding my sobs in.

--11:13 p.m.

******
Dear Diary,

I was in the library today when I saw you. You weren't searching for books, rather, someone. And you said that 'someone' was me. My throat felt dry when I gulped my tears, my eyes started to sting but I rubbed them as if brushing my bangs.

Why? I wanted to ask but, I think I was...mute.

You said it's been long, and at that moment I realized that it's been 3 months already since we properly spoke. Since our....break-up. But then, why does it still hurt?

You finally admitted that you needed my help in maths, You didn't need me. You have Jimin now. I am so pathetic.

It's not like I hate Jimin. I just...envy him. Envy what he has, and I lack. What he cherishes, and I can only admire from a far. What he touches, and I crave to feel.

You.

--12:45 a.m.

*****
Dear Diary,

After I refused your offer yesterday. You looked pissed. Sad, hurt. And I wanted to hug you and say it's alright, and that I am free and have all the time in world for you.

But I didn't.

I said that I was busy and didn't have time to waste, and you voiced, "Spending time with me is...waste?" I wanted to shake my head and flick yours, but instead I said that I didn't have enough time for you. And that 'I got things.'

I even shrugged, Jungkook.

Honestly, I don't know, how or where or when I got that confident and ease in my voice. You looked just as shocked as I was internally. Your face showcased hurt, pain, shock, sadness. I don't know why.

You still flashed a smile and wished me goodbye before I left. This time, there were no whinings of 'Tae don't leave. I won't let goo~' no tugging of shirt and pouting for a kiss, no blocking my way for hugs.

Nothing.

--11:27 p.m.

_______*****_______

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bora hae 💜💜

-aura