shattered|| taekook

4

Dear Diary,

It was at the cafeteria when you and Jimin decided to grace us with your presence, everyone-- being the positive and happy beings they are-- welcomed you both with smile plastered on their face.

They smiled, so bright that it could actually make a sad person happy, make him forget all the worries, but for me, it worked quite opposite.

A voice in the back of my head whispered and made me realize that when they saw Jimin, all they could do was smile, but when it was me, their eyes held pity and sorrow. When they looked at Jimin there eyes shone with happiness and with me....

I think I am a burden to them. A damsel in distress. A broken piece of shit.

Why? Why me, Jungkook?

--02:12 a.m.

*****
Dear Diary,

You both came today as well. For lunch. I didn't wanted to show that you still effect me, so I stayed.

Yoongi hyung asked me out today-- ok that sounded wrong. I meant as a hangout, he said he was bored and didn't have any homework. I thought about it and I said yes, you looked pissed.

I thought maybe you are jealous, but I was so wrong, the moment you spatted those hurtful words. My courage, my confident that I have been building for all these months, they crumbled again.

You asked who would want to go with someone like me. You even scoffed in mockery and Namjoon hyung snapped, "A sensible person who knows importance of feelings." I remember the relief his words brought in that moment.

Jimin just rolled his eyes before murmuring something, "He is just like the ugly duckling," making everyone gasp.

It hurt. A lot.

I was fighting the tears making my eyes sting. I would have broke down the moment he said those, if Yoongi hyung wouldn't have interrupted, "Well, not everyone is as beautiful as you, Mr. Ostrich." He grabbed my hand and dragged me out.

Jimin calling me ugly duckling did hurt, but you being quiet insulted in front of Jimin and others, burned me down.

Yoongi hyung gave me one of his infamous comforting no-touch hug, muttering 'It's ok' s and saying you were a jerk, if it was few months ago he would've probably have a broken nose by now. But, I couldn't defend you this time.

He was right.

Yoongi hyung said I was strong as I kept quiet because I know who I am and I don't need to justify myself, and that Jimin was weak because he degraded me just to make himself look good.

He was right.

--11:29 p.m.

*****
Dear Diary,

Our conversation spread like a wild fire and now, I was holding the beautiful name 'Ugly Duckling'. I hated attention, you knew that. I was breaking piece by piece. You were breaking me, inch by inch.

But I refuse to break.

I decided to confront Jimin, at the same time when he shamed me, same place where he insulted me--Cafeteria. His eyes held no guilt and you were busy spooning your boyfriend, smiling. I saw that smile after a long long time, so I decided to confront later. But I was wrong.

Yoongi hyung was joking with Hobi hyung again and as usual he was whining and gasping adding the background music, Jin hyung complaining his boyfriend about his rough skin. And Yoongi hyung insulting Hobi hyung by comparing his small details with me made me break in small laughs and quiet chuckles.

Yoongi hyung and I were almost lying on each other laughing while Jin hyung's windshield laughter made Joonie hyung laugh. But my laughter died down the moment you shamed me, as you called me 'ugly duckling' with an unusual look on your face.

It felt like an invisible hand just squeezed my heart out.

But I didn't shame you back. I didn't curse you. I didn't do any of that. I did glare at you both and said a few words that made Yoongi hyung pat my back and rub my arm in pride.

"I think you forgot the tale, Jeon. The 'ugly' duckling was actually a swan, different from every single shithead in that barn who couldn't fly. Thanks for the compliment."

I don't know why or how I did that. After all those months of suffering, I realized I was healing.

Everyone seemed proud of me. Their eyes didn't have any pity. Just pride.

It felt good.

--10:48 p.m.

______*****_____

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bora hae 💜💜

-aura