𝐒𝐂𝐀𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐃 (billie eilish)

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐒𝐈𝐗𝐓𝐄𝐄𝐍

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐞 𝐖𝐞𝐬𝐭 / 𝐏𝐎𝐕

My stomach keeps spinning like the first time I stepped on stage.

This is the fifth time that I will be presenting at the club and that crazy intensity in my belly has not diminished. Although it is not something that stops me from performing, it's like a mixture between emotion and anxiety. Going up to dance fills me with adrenaline and empowers me as nothing has done in my life, that is one of the reasons why I decided to do this, again.

It's been a little over a week since my "debut" and to be honest, this place is awesome.

However, there is always a feeling of insecurity and fear for the guys who come here, and not knowing how they will act around us. 

But at least the security is very tight, so if anything scary happens they'll handle it. 

I just have to worry about putting on a good show and these guys spend all their money on me. I have my ass to thank anyway.

I was born to dance half-naked.

Tonight is special because every Saturday there is a theme, tonight is "Latex in the clouds" and I'm in love with my outfit, if it were up to me I would never take it off.

The night is going very well and I have a bag full of ones as a reward. Murphy still won't let me do anything besides the pole, and every night that I come I feel more excited about getting into the VIP rooms. Some day, Charlie, someday.

The show ends and I start to change to go home. We have a room where all the girls change and do their makeup and stuff.

Most of them have been very kind and frendly, although there are always exceptions. However, some of us decided to go dancing tomorrow afternoon, because what we do here is not enough for us. Lol.

As I drive home I put on my playlist of the month and my head fills up again with the things the club makes me forget for a while.

Like, Billie.

She is still on tour and I don't know when she's coming back.

She has called me more times than I can count this week and I have not answered once.

I'm trying to respect myself, I can't keep trying something with someone who is still in love with someone else, and although it hurts a lot and makes my blood boil the fact that Billie seems stupid enough to return to that toxic relationship that she herself assumed, I don't want to be involved in that shit.

The best thing is to let this be.

I come home with all these emotions on the surface and although a little while ago I was hungry as hell,  now thinking about food or eating it doesn't satisfy me. 

I just want to go to bed, roll into a ball and sleep.

-----

The next day I wake up almost at noon, my mother has a morning shift and should be home around 2 in the afternoon. I decided to prepare a Sunday lunch for us to be able to spend more time together because we haven't been able to do it as often as we used to in New York, it is strange but now I see it much less and it is only the two of us.

My afternoon is basically cooking, listening to a podcast and later, eating with my mother and catching up on our weeks.

Last week before my debut at the club I told my mom everything about it and surprisingly she didn't intend to kill me.

It seemed very strange to me but it also filled me with so much love and trust that she supported my decision and she even asked me questions about what I was doing, what the place was like, and what the people and girls were like.