letters to them . . .

to the girl who used to be my best friend

To the person who spent years by my side,

You're the person that I used to run to whenever I had a problem or just wanted my day to be better, brighter. You let me be who I was without judgment and let me have a space where you would help me let loose for a few moments and forget all my troubles. The amount of memories we have together are countless and I can't express how grateful I am for everything, and there is no measure to how important you were to me all those years because even if you didn't notice you came first, always.

We spent countless hours crying, talking, learning, laughing, growing up together and I genuinely don't know how to express what I feel because if you asked me for a favour tomorrow I would still drop everything for you and I know you wouldn't do the same for me, so I want to thank you for all the memories that now seem bittersweet but that's just how one looks back at friendships that are gone, right?

I also have to apologize because I know that nowadays our conversations seem one sided, but it's because I don't know what to say to you anymore, I write replies but end up deleting them because we went our separate ways and they don't make sense anymore. Yet, it hurts when you don't even add my nickname to your thank you texts anymore, and I know I have no reason to feel angry or sad but I miss you constantly and so many things remind me of you, and I have no reason to feel guilty because you're the one that left me alone and didn't look back when I needed you the most, and I must admit I was in the wrong too for giving up after a while but it felt like you didn't need me anymore and it sucked.

I can't describe how it felt getting to school that next year and not having you greet me like every year before since we were kids, to not have you hug the life out of me and do our typical routine. I kept glancing at the entrance just wishing you would cross those doors and run to me, but that didn't happen and it wasn't going to happen anymore because while I was staring and hoping you were at your new school. So staying up all night waiting for you to text me the usual 'hope we have a few classes together' and 'I hope I don't get stuck with [random person]' but that didn't happen either.

I felt broken, we had made a promise when we were kids and now it won't happen anymore. You don't know this but that promise is the reason I stuck by that school for so long, it was my dream. I held on to that promise so tightly and to have my dreams crushed hurt. I held on so tightly even when I was falling into the lies of my own brain and considered letting go, I held onto you, I still want to because if I let you go it means that the one person I thought would never leave at least until I was more ready to cope, left. My mind can't handle that because for so long you were my raison d'etre, now what we had was lost; but we've changed and you're no longer the person I thought you were, you're not the daring overachieving girl with overprotective parents anymore and that's okay because I'm not the girl you remembered me to be and even though I dont think I'll find anyone that knows me and my past the way you do they'll know the person I will become and maybe one day we can catch up properly and I'll get to know you again the way I used to and vice versa.

Even after all of this I need to say thank you and I love you, because I don't think I told you enough times when we were friends. I truly wish you the best. I hope one day we can reconnect and have another attempt at what we had.

Love, the girl you used to call your sister.