letters to them . . .

to the person who spent hours on call with me

To the person who spent hours on call with me

You're the person I think about asking for advice or support whenever I have a problem or whenever I want to ask for reassurance that I'm cared for because everytime we talk you notice the smallest things, mostly because you learned all my different body language giveaways, and you tell me that I deserve love. This of course doesn't mean I actually do text you but when I have you've spent hours trying to convince me of it. You give me this feeling of being safe and happy and that's terrifying.

Terrified. The word in itself means "to cause extreme fear" which kind of describes what I feel whenever we talk mostly because I got attached, way too quickly to be honest, but it's something that just hasn't gone away mostly I think it's because well I'm just hoping that you'll stay forever in my life. Of course it's also because I've never felt safe with someone so quickly and that's caused for you to know more than anyone and yet at the same time you make me so happy and it's scary because I don't want to stop feeling this happy. The thought of not having you in my life in any way is awful and I know that one day you, me and everyone else will go our separate ways but I'm just sitting here wishing for that day to never come.

We've spent countless hours just sitting while on call with each other or listening to music whenever possible, made promise after promise, watched from really good movies all the way to movies that we only choose to annoy each other, bought coffee after coffee on a daily basis or two chocolate milks and a lollipop, and I don't know how to feel because at this point I'm pretty sure I'd do anything you asked me without a question but with the type of friendship we have and the things we know is it only a matter of time before its going to crash and burn?

Sometimes I wonder what would've happened to either of us if we hadn't become such close friends or if we hadn't started talking at all. Maybe we would still talk from time to time but we wouldn't know the things that we know now, we wouldn't have said things or made memories like we have; but it's hard to think of those moments as somehow along the way of getting attached I became dependant and you somehow became and essential part of my life. So whenever I think about the "what ifs" it's hard to picture the fact that if certain things hadn't happened we wouldn't be where we are now, we wouldn't or more like I wouldn't have opened up to someone as much as I have without the feeling of being drowned increasing. So maybe, for the first time, you've helped me realize that I'm not a burden and I don't have to go through things alone, because no one deserves to feel alone.

There are days when just spending time with you seems like a gift from above, even if all we can have right now is zoom calls, even if we don't have anything else to say I just like spending time with you because those days maybe I'm tired or I've had a rough few days where I've felt absolutely numb and just seeing you makes me feel at ease and I have no idea why. Maybe or probably it's the repressed feelings which are damaging to both you and me, hell, everyone around me, but it's something that I can't seem to avoid doing, and for that I'm sorry. On those days I just want to stay but for some reason the world doesn't seem to comply so I get tired easily which makes me have to end the call and sleep, which for some reason feels like it's the wrong thing to do because I just want to stay and I can't.

Feeling things has always been weird for me because everything seems to be going too fast and all that I feel is heightened so when I feel comfortable around someone I suddenly don't know if it's a platonic or a romantic attraction anymore which as you can guess is something that kind of happened with you. I say kind of because well usually I leave or distance myself as soon as I get confused about that causing people to think that I never really liked them or something but with you I stuck around and I can't seem to know why and now it's too late and I'm scared of what might happen.

I ask myself why I keep getting attached to people so quickly as soon as they show me the simplest amount of human decency especially when most of those people can only bring memories that will one day be painful to think about, crying and overthinking, late nights writing stupid letters and stories, maybe if they're one of the special ones they'll bring playlists and dreams or special songs that I'll never get to listen to without thinking of them. So why, why were you one of the special ones, the ones who I treasure and put above myself more than I should, the ones who get to see and feel or experience the different ways I express love and affection. The one who holds the most power over me and who could absolutely destroy me. To answer the question, I don't know, maybe it's the feeling of inner calm that you seem to be able to give me or the way you fill me with warmth whenever you say some things which you probably forgot, I'm just praying you won't hurt me.

So to end this I guess, I hope you know that I really do value and care for you and I'm sorry that I can't express my feelings in any other way than random letters and playlists. I hope that maybe one day you'll let me help you the way you've helped me and I hope the best for you and your future and happiness.

Love, the girl who sat next to you outside the auditorium.