Saturday, January 9th
"Okay, in any case I suggest we buy a sectional sofa with a reclining part for you two. If you want to snuggle up some cold evening in front of a warm fire and just lie under a blanket, feeling good!"
"First we have to choose colour for the walls..."
"Don't forget the floor!"
"Mom I think the floor that already is works fine."
Saturday; I, Estela, Winston and his parents were out on a shopping spree to make some purchases for the renovation of the guesthouse and Estela's bedroom. Mrs. Williams was lyrical about being involved in the planning and ran thru the shops and stores like a whirlwind. Personally I felt exposed, on the verge of paranoid. I didn't want to stay out among people, especially not here in town. It was enough with school.
The last few days at school had been painful, but exceeded expectations after all. The other students left me alone, I didn't have any hysterical panic attacks except from one and where Winston was... there I was. I still refused to go without my hoodie and still felt sick when I ate. But I didn't tell anyone about it though, afraid to worry them.
On Friday evening Winston and his mom sat with me in the kitchen and helped me check over my regular college applications which Winston promised Dr. fucking Singh that he would do. I didn't care a shit about it, but they stubbornly made sure to apply for me at the schools I haven't yet applied to, or which I needed to send more information to.
The meeting with Jane this week had gone perfectly well. We talked about how it felt to come back to school and how I reacted. I did the fucking homework she gave me, about self-focus and we discussed what I had written down.
"Did you choose a time when you felt anxious?"
"Yes... I wrote down how I felt and reacted."
I wrote, among other things, about my inner focus and how I felt in the situation. How I felt panicked and had heartache. How I felt helpless and wanted to disappear, flee. I had difficulty breathing and the tremors made me stressed as fuck. In terms of external focus, about the environment, it felt like the world was hovering over me. As if I was suffocated by the surroundings.
I had taken the one situation which happened at school, when I during a lesson panicked after my teacher by accident happened to bump into me when she passed my bench. I hadn't screamed, but got up and ran out of the room. I had been trembling extremely and rushed to the restroom to hide. Winston had followed me and calmed me down by doing la cosa.
"Try to look at the situation from an observational perspective..." We discussed how the teacher's sudden touch was a trigger like many others I would have to endure. We also talked about how I should try to handle the situation. Jane was kind; she bothered me less and less the more we talked and met. "Now you'll get a new exercise from me Montgomery. It's called the mirror exercise. Every morning and evening you shall stand in front of a mirror and look at yourself. Then you'll say five times: 'I'm good the way I am', or for example: 'I am a nice person and can live the life I want'."
"Why would I fucking lie to myself?"
"Because you eventually trick your brain into believing your words and then you'll realize how what you're saying is true."
Bullshit. That I would stand and stare at my own ugly face each morning and evening and lie to myself?! I said I would try, but haven't yet done so. Or I actually tried last night, for a second, before I had to look away. I couldn't see myself and utter those words. FAGGOT!
YOU ARE READING
Montgomery de la Cruz - Save me from me
Fanfiction[Right now I'm updating phase 1 & 2 the story, mostly the grammar. So be forgiving] What would you say if you were living in denial to yourself, and you knew that if you allowed yourself to be who you really were meant to be, would mean both shame...
