The Comfort of No one

Chapter Ten: Finally Free

"Do you still love him?" Dr. Salvador asked.
"Of course I do.'' I responded.
"Even after everything he put you through Addison?"
"Yes, I know I shouldn't love him but I do."
"Do you still love Hope?"
"Of course I still love Hope" I started to say. "I wish I could have saved Hope before it was too late. I wish I could have been the mother I thought I was going to be. I try not to think about it anymore. I try to pretend that part of my life never happened but I can't trick myself. I break down every time I look at old pictures of Noah, Hope, and me. I remember the days when we used to be a happy family and I remember the days I gave up my role as a mother. I feel like if I was stronger in this situation I could have saved Hope and maybe I could have saved Noah. But maybe its best that they are both not suffering in this hell we call life."
"Do you ever think what life would have been like if Noah didn't decide to abuse angel dust or if you and Hope left him while this was occurring?"
"Yes I do, I think about it all the time. Late at night I used to lie in my bed and I would think how I could have made my life different. I lived with Rachel for Five years until I ended up going crazy and tried killing myself. Rachael called the ambulance and that's how I ended up here; the Aid to Recovery; Psychiatric Residential Treatment Center. These two years I've spent at the hospital have been really helpful for me. I still wish I could see Hope and Noah, though I know it's best for me to be strong. If Noah hadn't killed Hope and himself, Hope would have been twenty and Noah would have been thirty eight years old today and I still wonder what life would be like if they were still here."
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ It was the summer when Hope was thirteen years old. Noah still didn't have a job and I was still continuously working long hours. My day off was always on Sunday and I would always sleep in late. Noah usually woke up before me and would wake up Hope because he didn't allow her to sleep in. Hope would wake up, have breakfast, and go back in her room. Noah would go in the bathroom and do PCP. The more days Noah did PCP, the more aggressive and crazy he got. I woke up to a loud bang in the other room. I jumped out of bed to go see what was going on.
I entered the living room to Noah's hands wrapped around Hopes neck and I pushed him off of her. Pushing Noah off of Hope was a bad idea because that caused him to target all of his anger on me. Hope and I tried to calm Noah down, but nothing we did worked. I told Hope that I still cared about her and that I love her. I saw her smile and she told me she loved me too. Noah left the room for a little while and I thought everything had cooled down but I was terribly wrong by that assumption. Noah came back into the living room with a gun pointed at me and Hope. I still remember the words that came out of his mouth that day.
"Life is a living hell and when I grew up with Andrew and my mother I hated my life. When I grew up, I became the monster that my mom was and treated you and Hope the same way that Andrew and I got treated. I never understood why my mother put us through all of that, but now I do. I have damaged you enough Addison and you are going to live the rest of your life without the events that happened in the past. I want you to know I love you but it is time that your past dies." Noah said
I didn't understand what Noah meant, but in a blink of an eye I saw him point at Hope and he shot her. He shot her right in the head and she fell down onto the floor. Her blood came gushing out of her head and I froze. I felt like Noah killing Hope right in front of me was all a dream but I soon woke up to reality when I heard Noah shoot himself in the head. I called Rachel freaking out and I ran out of the house. She told me that I had to call 911 immediately, so that is exactly what I did.
"911 what's your emergency"
"My boyfriend shot my daughter and then shot himself, they are both dead. They aren't breathing" I responded.
"Officers are on their way. Stay tight and don't hang up the phone on me"
"Okay, what caused him to do something like this" she asked.
"He was mentally unstable and under the influence." I replied.
That was the day my whole life shattered to pieces, but it was also the day that I was able to start over and I was finally free.