The Races : HS

chapter fourteen | taffy

She might love me. And one day, far or soon, I might feel this foreign feeling of "love" for her. I won't smile, I won't want or need to feel it. When you are accepting of love you are accepting of disappointment and I've had enough of that shit in my twenty-seven years on this earth.

"Tell me why you're sad, my love?"

"Do you do bad things?"

"Like what?" I could hear my pulse in my ear. My chest was burning, I was on fire, and not the good kind. I suppose she paid more attention than I thought.

"Drugs or other bad things?"

"Would you hate me if I said yes to any of those things?"

"No. I could never hate you."

H a r r y

This life is tiring. I'm getting older now and the fun is no longer there. There's just things we can't escape until the end. Some doors just don't close once they're opened.

I will say, having Lana by my side has made life worth living again. Before her I was only existing. I mean Diana is great, but only for sex. Diana was my biggest mistake. Not her as a person, but her baggage and the way she holds her father over my head. Sometimes I feel like being so terrible she'd be forced to leave me. I partially feel like she'd still stay just to see me unhappy. We haven't really spoken about it but actions speak louder than words and we're drifting farther and farther apart. I can't blame Lana though, this was long before her. Diana has her suspicions, though.

Here I am being the weakling that I am, waiting for someone who is destined to hurt me. I could beat the shit out of myself for becoming so soft. My entire life has built me to be the person I am and here I am letting a girl make everything I thought I knew dissipate away. I often think of how different life would be if I were her age, or if she were mine. How different things would be if I hadn't became the person I am today and I could love her properly. I wish we met at the right time, if there would've been a chance of having that.  There are so many factors that tear me from my sweetest Lana, but, I'd fly past them for her.

She makes me feel happy again. The happiest I've ever been. The fact that my feelings are so strong for a girl who I've never properly touched; I've never properly loved. Danger is all I've ever known. I've never been known to back down from anything, especially someone who makes my heart bleed like she does. I feel as though if loving her were to take my breath away that would be the sweetest form of release, such a cruel kindness. She sets me free. I pray to whatever or whoever may be out there that if I can't have her in this life I'll have her in the next, for my love is too strong to stray away with my decomposing body. I hope she'll wait for me out there. All I can do is hope.

L a n a

I watched out the window, my hair full of rollers. I could hear momma down stairs laughing with her new friends while they played cards and turned our
dining area into a smoke pit. Daddy was away again for whatever reason this time but momma was having a good time with her friends and that's all that mattered to me. A lot has changed since first I moved here. Harry and I have grown much more fond of one another, though it still hurts to look across the street and see him in a home with a woman he doesn't love. A small part of me wants to feel sorrow for her but then again I can't help but recall her actions towards me, so I'll get over it.

Harry and I are gonna go out for dinner tonight. Momma knows and she's okay with it because she knows I'm old enough to make choices like these for myself. After all she married daddy when she was only eighteen and that's no where near my mind right now.  My only fear is Diana or daddy finding out. The chances of Diana finding out and telling my father is highly likely but I'm willing to take that risk for him. After all by the time they find out it'll be too late for him to do anything about it.