The Races : HS

chapter thirteen | bubbles

                                                            "I talk in a daze, I walk in a maze 

                                                         I cannot get out, said the starling"
                                                                                             ― Vladimir Nabokov,

Do you ever wish you could take something back? Do you ever wish you could just take something back so badly, so badly that you would do absolutely anything within your being to take back? I don't know about you but truly I do.

I'm so truly agitated with the way things are going in my life. When I was younger so many things were so much simpler. It is as if every day that my bones, heart, my body grows, so does the happiness that was once in my life. I suppose as a child we are oblivious to the horrid fate that is reality that lurks around us each and every day of our adolescent lives. As it will for the rest of our lives; simply I'm wiser. Oh, and I feel things so much more deeply and heart dwelling as I did before.

"Alannah Raye, you're day dreamin' or something again!" My sister gaudily laughed, absolutely right in my father's ear because he shot her a annoyed glance. And she quickly apologized, "Sorry daddy," she sat up straight as a piece of her dark hair fell in front of her face.

"Leave the house for a year and you've left all manners too I suppose," He speaks, much lower than Cis, while he poured himself a glass of lemonade.

I rolled my eyes quickly, making sure he didn't see me. I grabbed a biscuit from the table and walked towards the living room. Mama says not eating in the living room but mama isn't here, also, I'm not a baby anymore.

I looked out the large bay window out into the yard in front of me and all the surrounding neighbors. I seen small yellow and burnt orange leaves that blanketed the window seal. Summer was almost gone. It's not like I cared though, I was ready for school to return. Not because I enjoy school work, just people I'm one year closer to being done for good. I often thought about what life would be like outside of the walls of my parent's home. I knew I would get homesick often at first, but maybe it's what I needed. I mean, Cis got to leave at 17, why can't I? 

See it's like my whole life I've compared myself to my older sister and I'm not sure why. My life isn't hers. I've always felt less than her, even to my parents; especially my father. You see, the dreams I have don't seem like real dreams to daddy, they're fiction. I'm not prim nor proper. I have the tight corsets and the gross tasting hairspray my mom forces me to use. I don't understand why our God, whoever or whatever he may be, would give us our own individual lives if he didn't intend on us to live those lives our own way and walk our own roads. Nothing I do will ever be enough for him and I accept that, but I'll always wonder why. 

I've been doing a lot of thinking and daydreaming since I last saw Harry. It's only been a week but that's the longest I've been without him since I met him. I rarely see his car home and when I do it's very late and gone before the morning sun. I want to phone him so badly but why risk her answering? Maybe time away is what we need. My last encounter with him was anything other than what I'm comfortable with. I can't help but continue to wonder who those strange men were and what they do. I'm not genius, but there is no deny that was a sketchy place and those men were doing sketchy things. Now I have to learn to take on this whole new persona of Harry, this whole new personality. I wan't answers, but I'm not brave enough to ask the questions. Not quite yet.