The Sanctuary of Pain (POETRY)

TSP 20: Still In Between

I watched as your back move closely to me. I can even touch it with the tip of my finger, so close, so real. 

You're talking to me as if I am intently listening to your story. In fact, I am nodding only to keep the atmosphere steady, despite the rarity of hearing you clear.

The ruling waves felt shy that they hid the sounds they bring as they splash on our feet. And instead of hearing the butterflies roaring in my stomach as I sit next to you, the crashing pieces of my heart  was even more dominating which made me feel so far away from you.

This is a beautiful moment to be remembered on its own facade. After years of having the gap I always doubt crossing, with only our mere words and voices connecting from each other's telephone lines, from miles away; we finally met each other. At the most unexpected day and time.

It feels like I had won a lottery. I cannot even hide the smile crepting on my lips everytime you laugh and look at me with your eyes glimmering with sincerity. How can I stop curving this lips? When back then, I had grown content only to whispering on a dandelion feather; to hear your laughter, to talk to you in person, to smell your scent, to touch you and stare at your face like there's no tomorrow. I might forget the little details of your face that I like the most. 

Us under the moon coated of the afternoon clouds, facing the sea as it embraces the sun, this is a dream come true.

This is a beautiful moment to be remembered, indeed, but only on its facade.

The pang of tragedy is hidden inside this chest of mine. Where no one can hear, no one can see, only the sole scenery we are at. And tonight, as the moon starts to glow and show itself upon us, lighting up ways for us to a new beginning... somehow my eyes craved for tears.

The pain of having your presence close to me, is reminding me of how we got farther away from each other from this sore seashore bond... This love is getting buried along with the sand in the abyss of the ocean. It is like watching my love for you being buried alive underneath the awaken sea in front of us. It is drowning, gasping for sunrise.

A flashback of our memory was even making me hard to find air in this windy shore. It was when you said you can never meet someone affectionately. If you do meet, it is always because friendship is all you can give. 

I had convinced my self a couple of times that I have recovered from the damage our separation left to me. I know I am fine; I can talk and laugh and care and trust like I was not hurt. I know I can continuously pretend that I am not pretending at all, that even after I fell apart, I can endure. I know I am already accepting things that I find difficult to hold. 

Not until you showed up in front of me on a warm Monday afternoon, eye to eye. You're holding a box of munchkins that I often crave at midnight. You smiled at me, and that woke up my desire to have you, to hold you in my arms again. To call you mine.

Actually, it was never asleep. The desire of us getting together is just here, hiding through these broken and bleeding pieces. And seeing you this close, as you sum up the things we stopped talking about for months, just strengthen that desire.

I lowered my head often times, I don't even know if you caught me, but, I was holding myself by force. I might hug you tight, and say I love you. I might destroy the only thing, the only friendship you can offer. I might break the lines I put so much effort to align back on its track.

So... With this heart thundering on its own storm, I silently prayed: I wish we didn't meet today. I wish we just never meet at all.

My eyes watered one last time, in this deep blue soulful night. 

Maybe it is saying goodbye,

Maybe it is refusing to let go at all,

Or maybe I am still in between?