She

Heart dying, Heart glistening

She was back on the streets, only it wasn't New Delhi anymore, it was a much richer country, which for some time had been her home. Chicago wasn't all that kind to her either. She wasn't particularly talented either.
She was quite talentless and had a streak of bad luck in her. A deep, individual though.

Her mind was her jewel. Due to all the pain she had gone through she learnt things that people never did. She had her night terrors and spirits to accompany her. She was not sure where to go now. What was special in her? Her mind? Her voice? But her voice wasn't good enough, and she had already started feeling the hunger pangs in her tummy.
It took her time to understand, to go within, and realise she was a young gorgeous woman. And she had always dreamt of this. To make the pain go away completely, or to entrap herself in what she thought she desired or they desired her to be.To be so full of Pain. Here was her chance to be engulfed in lust and devoured again. Attention that made her feel alive. Attention that she needed, attention that she always mistook for love. She was transcending, understanding herself better by the day. And she didn't regret running away from home, she didn't regret any of it. She can now feel love, that she needed so bad. Who knows where this path would lead.

"With the clothes and jewellery that he had gifted me, I sold my two years worth memories and was now unusually positive looking forward to the future excited to seduce. Excited for the attention, the buckets full of power. Now I wasn't doing it for love anymore, I was doing it for power. I was now the seductress, not a nymphet anymore. I feel so good about this. I can do away with orgasms, but the power to please makes me the feed the monster inside me.

As I approached my new Avatar, I felt the flames burn. I was hot, so was my vagina. Especially since she was sleeping better now turns out they had been satiated by her downfall, but she wasn't falling, she had risen, I'm stronger now. I have power now. I don't need love."

She looked online for the nearest sex club, she had no idea that pleasing him. Doing everything he wanted her to do, living to please him had gifted her with so much power. She applied for the job, as a pole dancer and occasionally whenever the customers liked her way too much to control, they paid big bucks for just one night of 11 minutes.
I guess, I was right, I truly did give love too many tries, maybe I wasn't meant for love, but power. After all my red lips was always ready to arouse, I wanted to be their heaven, oh I knew it so well. //

I have decided to start writing this because this is something very present in my mind since a very long time and I have been actively living in denial, I cry about being incapable to write, but right now when I am so full of life, expression of feelings of love and pain doing or even trying to do justice to all the amplified intensities I’ve been taking for granted feels right. It took courage to accept it. It took layers and layers of pain to bury myself in to live with it, and it took me nothing but one dark lonely room to rot in to never realize.

I thought a lot at first, different ways to go about myself, possible misunderstandings, possibilities. I thought of ways to stay in denial and to distract myself with, things that held some sort of potential around me to breed on because I saw none in myself, except a lot of wavering indecisiveness. I thought of  running away and of whoring around, but then I’d have a choice to live an alternate life. I thought of prostituting myself, where there’s no escape. I remembered which had been a dream of mine back in my childhood, provided a lot of pain it is indeed a lot of safety because there’s no end to lust. There’s always more than enough to destroy the body and the soul but the long love like states of manipulation and the endless strings of blunt disrespect that just makes me go hide somewhere even more deeper inside my mind. Its a heartless cause. And up until now I had never realized the intention behind my wish to live such a romantically self destructive life. Such materialism, such pain. I used to think if once in it, I’d not be able to run away from what I have. And I think I knew why, I think I knew because I saw so much potential of self destruction in my life that it didn’t seem like a bad place to be in at all if it led you to someplace where you could be even a pint of all the things you ever desired yourself to be. And I think I always knew I was destined to be this mess of a woman, this other woman. Who loved too much and who's love was scared of being defined. I knew my love was intense but I have always felt it was never enough, yet I do trust my capabilities to not do the same very much.

But love, is filled in every corner and crevice of my flesh. My blood, My spiritual self and maybe even deeper inside me. The presence of existence of more layers to the self that is what I’d like to believe. Nobody really knows where it all starts or ends really, they don’t know who they are. Humans are a miracle in themselves, fucking magnificent yet we don’t know ourselves or how far reaching our potentials and our entire existence can be. The pain we feel, is it really ours? The love we contain is it really ours? Was it designed or do we inhibit our potentials by trying to be accepted and loved in a certain place that gives us a temporary sense of safety. What are the depths and the impacts of us as an individual creature that breathes, struggles and evolves. Why suicide? and how fatal a disaster suicide actually holds? What are we taking away from ourselves and from the universe? But selfish and often lonely we do things out of ignorance and denial, and yet we still do kill ourselves or think of doing it often. I’m not saying that I’m biased towards the idea of death by any sort, but I just am thinking about it and trying to figure out the actual loss that comes along with it.

Because the beauty out there is abundant for us to feel and to live for, but for how long will I accept what I have and deny what I don’t? Is this me being dishonest to myself? If no then why does it feel like I’ve just woken up from a long long dream. Or maybe still not I can never be sure. Love and safety, momentary. Lead to destruction by themselves, because we seek refuge in people and places rather than our own mind. Beautiful indeed, but it is so so hard to believe and to keep believing. Yet we do. I do.

But I’m so tired and drained of all the hope, it just doesn’t make sense anymore. Yet I'll keep trying because I think that’s the only thing I am good at, is sailing through alone. Being desired for your flesh could seem so sad at first, but at least you exist. After you’re done devouring my breasts and leering at me with hunger in your eyes like that’s the only the only kind of attention I could ever conquer and achieve. I believe it. Yet lips too dry which you never bothered to kiss, I can steal a few moments close to you. Holding your hands and lying next to you enough to feel your breath I can, seek some solace in the warmth of your body if not your mind. And I think that would be enough, anything that stays could be enough. I know that it shouldn’t be, but it is. There’s no denying that. But that’s how I’m programmed to function and feel, the person I am right now.  And I’ll change, obviously. For the better hopefully because change is inevitable. But I’ll keep trying to take more and more of whatever I can gather and live in peace with what I do have.
After all, I’m a little desperate.

And in reality I feel we all are very desperate, just too scared to admit it  to themselves. And of course know the art of lying well enough to exist and not live.//

"And this is when I too learnt how to lie, living with these sick humans. Knowing I could never go back now."
*****
HIM

"Pour me another shot" I say to the bartender and my eyes wander around. I told my friends that I didn't know exactly whether this was me anymore especially after my very recent break up. Which was two years back. I know I'm sounding stupid right now but this is the truth. How is this recent you'd ask me, but this is just the man I am. I love, lovingly. Deeply. I don't seem to fixate on anyone the way she got me hooked, for all the wrong reasons. It was the worst decision of my life to be with her, but I guess everyone makes mistakes. I made mine. She even got me hooked on heroine and sex. Got me addicted, I was young and incapable of seeing life through anything but the need to thrive, achieve and satiating my libido. I tried heroine once, but it got me hooked. I knew I had to go through the withdrawal, else my life would be ruined.
I am a creator, an artist if I could ever be able to call myself capable enough, let's see. I love theatre and music.
My friend Max, pushes me forward, he's a good fellow, only ladies mean a lot to him and not to me, well they do to me too, but not in the same way.
He nudges me to the right where a gorgeous brunette dressed in jade green was standing. She bites her lips and says to me, "would you like to buy me a drink?"
I look at her a say "hi there, you gorgeous lady,su......." Something catches my attention in the background. I look at her but,my vision fixated behind. She looks at me questioningly completely confused,I am confused myself. It takes me some time to register what actually was 'familiar'
  It was a face, that I had never seen before. But had seen forever, almost felt like I was magnetically pulled towards her. Before it was too late I hugged the lady in front of me, said sorry and ran.
   ******

A few days of her decidedly ideal career, and she was sick. She's realised, that she was having so much fun but sleeping with the men that were eating her pussy, eating her soul alive.
She realised that she was good at sex but she can never be a good prostitute, because it wasn't about sex to her. She felt the power, the domination, and she was thrilled.
But to the point of fear, she was scared of her power.
She had always believed she was meant to be taken care of, that she was meant to be healed by love. This was untrue, she now realises, that only she can heal herself.
She's just waiting for someone who would appreciate her, she felt like she had been crushed to bits and that through the fear she had walked,she had grown wings.
She was used to the pain now, more of it. She was not dependent on someone now, she was indeed free. But she didn't wish to sell her body anymore. Because she felt like a different person, she had opened her eyes. Wider. She didn't like the sex anymore, it bored her.
She wanted to make love, make babies.
It was about the energy exchange, she had many customers, high profile buisness men propose to her to live as a mistress, and with three of them as a wife. But she didn't want them.
She realised how much she's grown, prays a gratitude prayer to God. She didn't want to be invisible anymore. Her rape fantasies broke down too, the cloud of darkness she had sewn upon herself had fallen away. Only to find that the grass isn't greener on the other side. She missed mum and dad, but she didn't have the courage to talk to them but she had to try anyway. She dialled her mom's number, in the nearest phone booth."hello" her mother said. But she didn't know what to say, tears brimming her eyes she thought what was I even thinking.  She was ashamed, her mother kept on asking who was calling, but she kept quiet. And hanged the phone. Once it was dead silence she started hooting and crying. She missed her golden cage, there was no one there to take care of, no friends. She was so lonely, just like golden cage, though.
Apparently, nothing had changed.
She only met men and she was sick of them. But what she didn't realise was that she was awakening, most of all she didn't feel so empty anymore(somehow)she felt like rather than hurting her she was just grateful for the fact that her parents were alive. And who knows her mother had realised that it was her, that was enough for her. It almost felt like she had faith and she knew that, somehow she knew that he was around the corner. Love was finally here. She couldn't see it or touch love, but she felt love ooze and slosh around in her veins. She felt the blood laced with success, maturity and lust. Lust for love. She leaves the club, her duty over for the day. Changes her clothes, Sits inside the cab, and just as the driver switches on the engine many things happen at once.
Let me explain, firstly.
She looks out towards the window and sees "him" finally, he shouts "HEY". But before she could do anything about it, her heart starts quivering. A bus comes out of the fog, hitting the road sign, failing to drive safely and crashes on the nearest rock.
Her taxi topples down the sleek roads, and thanks to the monuments of huge stones topples down. Dramatically out of control at this very moment she stops quivering, one because of the sudden hormonal rush of death being a possibility and secondly she sees someone sitting next to her, out of the blue. The girl, pretty purple dyed hair. She spat on her mouth "die, bitch" and the boy in the front seat laughs. The driver was unconscious and she couldn't breathe anymore because she's choking underwater. She closed her eyes and let go, if the lord God, her father had decided to see her this way. Sooner than she had thought, she didn't mind dying.
She was trying so hard but, "his" face didn't leave her mind. She was trying to give up but it almost felt like she was being nurtured and saved.

Just how, when she gave up finally. Lungs soaked in water, heart dying. But healed and glistening. She feels a familiar touch but couldn't remain conscious long enough. She just knew that, ' it was time' but not in this lifetime.