Green Eyes

Fireworks

Okay, forgive me, I know it's slow, but at least we're getting somewhere. I had something to tell you here, but for the life of me I can't remember what it was.

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I don't even know where to start, Mr. Diary. I can't believe that just happened.

I wanted it to be me. That's what she said. I wanted it to be me.

Yes, I know. We've been here before. Well, me and my old diary, anyway. But even I never came out and just said it like that. God, I can't imagine what they would have made of that at Sherwood. And I know she kind of took it back, but just for a minute, just for a second, I thought she meant it. And I know this is all some weird misunderstanding, but some of the things she said were so sweet, and for a moment, all I could think was… how much better that would be. It almost makes me cry. How much simpler, how much easier, for it be someone I trust so completely, for us to just slip into bed the way we have so many times before, knowing it was no big deal, that whatever happened it was going to be all right, that she'd make it all right. She'd treat me like a princess, and I'd treat her the same way. I wouldn't have to worry about being mocked, or talked about, everything would be just between us, and afterwards we'd just lay, snuggled up, and talk, and maybe laugh about it, how we'd bumped heads, or got our bra straps caught. How much easier it would be if it was fun.

But of course she didn't mean it. She just wanted to be close to me, to share something. To protect me, even.

Is Jade right about Ted? Am I really just a conquest? Jeez, the look on her face. It was heartbreaking.

I'm rambling. I've got to go, now. This is exactly why I had to burn my last diary.

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She sighed, and closed the diary. How much easier. But of course, it was never going to be easy. We've been here before.

She knew how Jade felt, how easy it was to confuse friendship with affection, she knew it all too well. She still cringed at the memory, the look of horror on Alison's face, the cold stab in her stomach as she realized she'd overstepped the boundaries of friendship, gone too far.

And once they'd all found out, they'd never let her live it down.

But that wasn't the worst thing. The worst thing was that when it was all over, when she'd come to her senses, as Jade surely would, when she realized she'd made a fool of herself, she'd hated them all.

But most of all she'd hated Alison.

It hadn't been Alison's fault - she hadn't joined in, or used it against her. But if Alison had given her one kind word, explained, let her down gently, everything might have been different. But she hadn't. She'd left her standing, hopeless and alone, knowing what was to come, knowing that that one unguarded moment had ruined everything. She'd hated Alison for that, and the thought that Jade might one day feel like that about her was too much to bear.

So she was damned if she was going to let that happen. Better like this, to nip it in the bud, pass it off as a misunderstanding, laugh and make up. Pretend it never happened.

Better like this, than to let one slip of the heart bring it all crashing down.

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