A Heart Like Yours | ✓

Thirty-five - "Number fourteen, Pacheco"

"Bea?"

It's too hard. It's too hard to look him in the eye and lie.

Walking up here, I'd had it all planned. Break his heart, remain ice cold. Tell him I've changed my mind. That I can't do this anymore. He'd been right. When he leaves for the rest of his tour, we should stop this.

He sees my face and he's in front of me in an instant, hands moving to wipe my tears. He frowns, anxiously searching my eyes for a clue as to what has occurred.

"What happened?"

"I'm— I have to leave," I move past him, grabbing his arms so he can let me go. I move to the cupboard, opening it to remove my bag in a hurry.

"Leave?"

He grips my hands, turning me to face him and pulling me against his chest. "Why are you crying?" he whispers, holding the back of my head against him.

"I have to go," I hiccup. "Anna is here to pick me up."

"Why? Are you feeling—"

"I forgot I had another chemo session this week. I can't miss it," I lie.

He pulls back, searching my eyes again. "Then I'll take you home tomorrow, you don't need to leave in the middle of the night upset. I don't understand."

"No," I shake my head. "I have to leave now, Holden."

It's on the tip of my tongue, the need to tell him that I'm being blackmailed by his psychotic ex. The anger simmers to the surface but I shove it away by reaching for my bag and throwing my clothes inside.

"Can you at least tell me what's made you so upset?" he says, urgently. "What the fuck happened in the past ten minutes?"

"I can't tell you," I croak. "I know what you're like. You'll do something stupid and it isn't up to you this time. I'm not going to let you."

"You're not making any sense," he says, low. He steps towards me with careful precision, as though he's afraid he'll scare me away.

"Do you trust me?" I whisper.

"Yes, but—"

I grip that back of his neck, pulling his lips against mine. I can taste the salt from my tears as I kiss him, hard. He wraps his arms around me, holding us together.

I pull away first, resting my forehead against his. "I need you to let me leave."

His eyes turn pained, almost as though he realises that the words hold such heavy weight. A goodbye.

"Why won't you tell me what's going on?" he says, frustrated.

His thumb wipes the tears from my cheek and I lean into his touch. "I can't," my voice breaks, "but I'll call you when I'm home."

"Bea, I'm not just gonna let you leave like this."

"You have no choice," I clear my throat, feeling my shoulders draw into themselves as I grab the rest of my belongings.

"I don't understand—"

"You will soon," I say, determined. "I know I'm sounding crazy, but I just need you to trust me, okay? I'll call you when I can."

I reach for the door handle as he stops me, holding my hand. "You're not— is it getting worse?"

I don't need him to say the word to understand what he's referring too. "No," I urge. "From what I know, my leukaemia isn't any different."

"Then—"

"Holden, I have to go," I urge. "It's the best thing for you."

"For me? Did you not hear anything that I've told you? I can't fucking breathe when you're not around, alright? You've made my life so much better, Bea."

"It's not forever," I plead. "Just for awhile."

"What's just for awhile? Talk to me."

"I. Can't."

"Did I do something to cause this?"

"No," I shake my head. "Don't make this harder for me, Holden. I'm— I—"

I look away from him, sobbing uncontrollably as I bring my hands to my face. It's too much. It shouldn't be this hard. I feel so drained already and having to deal with this is wearing me down.

I've never hated someone as much as I hate Sophia. How she can think it's okay to do this to people and get away with it.

Well, I wouldn't let her get away with it this time.

"Bea," Holden says, concerned. "You're scaring me, baby."

If I don't leave this room now, I never will.

"Number fourteen, Pacheco," I croak. "You're my true meaning of love."

While I still have the nerve, I kiss Holden for the last time before shutting the door behind me.

"Don't talk to me."

It begins to rain. A cloud gathers overhead, sprinkling lightly down upon us.

Anna doesn't respond, clearly observant of my settled anger. Instead, she drives slowly down the road, away from the car park and Holden.

My phone begins to ring and I find Holden's name lighting up my screen. It takes everything within me to ignore it. It starts again, so I put it on silent and drop it into my bag.

"Can I ask you one thing?" Anna says, quietly.

"No," I respond, looking out the window as the sky begins to pour. "You've lost the right."

"I'll always be sorry," she continues.

"That's the least you should be," I mutter. "There were other ways, Anna. Taking out a loan, perhaps?"

I stop talking, knowing that my anger is only going to get the best of me right now. I need to stay calm so that I can work out the best way to go about this mess.

"What did you tell Holden?"

"Why? So you can fly back to Sophia and parrot everything I say?"

She sighs, turning into the main road and increasing her speed. I welcome the acceleration, knowing the quicker she goes, the faster I'll be home. But the further I will be from Holden.

I reach down for my phone, ignoring the stinging in my eyes at the seven missed calls from him. I open a new message to Declan and send him my plea.

I had to leave early. Good luck with the rest of your shows. Look out for Holden x

I hold down the power button and shut off the world.