Dear Diary... (Shawmila)

Dear Diary...

TW for domestic abuse, cohersive control, mention of the word rape

March 3rd 2019

Dear Diary...

It's my birthday! 22 years old. Happy Birthday to me... or at least it should be

It's 10 am and already I have been called a joke, an attention seeker, a lazy waste of space.

I guess it was my own fault, I should have known better than to wake Jared so early but I was sure that before we went to bed last night he said to wake him early because he had a surprise for me, I guess I misheard him, I've been doing that a lot recently

Oh on an interesting side note, I ran into Karen Mendes today and she was telling me Shawn's finally coming back from his around the world journey, she's so excited to see him, it's almost a year to the day that he left but that's a memory I don't want to revisit, especially not today, not when I should be happy

Happy... what does that word even mean?

Jared says I'm never happy about anything, that I always bring him down, that I'm a 'mood hoover', I wonder when that happened, when I lost my happiness. When I was younger I was always getting in trouble at school for talking too much and laughing too loud nowadays I can barely think of anything to say when I run into old friends.

On another side note I heard from a friend that Ashleigh Durant is pregnant, I can't believe it's been 6 months since we last spoke, in high school we were best friends, we went everywhere together. Just me, Ashleigh and Shawn, we were the three amigos, how times change

I guess she was so jealous of my relationship with Jared she couldn't bare it, she tried everything to break us up even accusing him of raping me! As if a guy can rape his own girlfriend...

I have to go, Jared is calling me, I'll try to write more later

Camila x

*******************

I run down the stairs, anxious not to keep Jared waiting. My stomach begins to churn and I wonder I maybe I ate something bad

"Hey" I find myself searching his face trying to gage his mood before he speaks but he just smiles that wide smile that makes me remember why I love him so much

"How are you birthday girl?" He asks and wraps his arms around my waist and I hug him back, tightly, so happy that after our little run in this morning he's back to his normal self. I thought I had ruined my own birthday by waking him so early but I should know by now, approaching our one year anniversary that Jared can be kind of grumpy in the mornings.

"Get dressed, put on something nice, I'm going to take you out for a birthday lunch"

I almost squeal in excitement. It's been so long since we have gone to lunch together or done anything outside of our house and I know exactly what I'm going to wear

"The dress I got off mamá for my birthday!" He frowns at my choice of word for my mother "Sorry, my mom" I force a smile and watch his face, it still looks light so I pray I haven't done something to ruin my birthday lunch too

"Not that one, something nice, besides I threw that dress in the trash where it belongs, no girlfriend of mine is being seen dead in something like that. You don't want to embarrass me do you Camila?"

I shake my head, sorry for mamá that she had spent her hard earned cash on the dress only for it to end up in the trash

"What should I wear?"

"Jeans and a button up shirt and hurry"

"Okay" I run upstairs excitedly,. Pausing for a second I spare a quick glance at the Mendes house that's just down the road, I notice a new black truck parked outside of it and can't help but wonder if it's Shawn, my heart thumps at the prospect of seeing him again but then I remember I have to hurry so push Shawn and my memories of him to the back of my mind and grab some blue jeans and a plain blue shirt from my closest and pull them on as quickly as possible

I briefly consider makeup but then remember Jared threw it all out a while ago so pull my hair into a ponytail and then run back down the stairs

"Ready" I gasp, out of breath due to the speed I had just got changed at. He twirls a finger letting me know he wants me to turn around... the 'ass inspection'. Apparently too many men look at my ass when my jeans are tight so he likes them to be loose and he likes to inspect before we go out, to make sure I'm not attracting any unwanted attention to myself

"Am I good?" I ask hoping for a compliment

"You'll do" he replies before taking my hand roughly and walking me out of the house

******************

The White Swan...

That's where we are for my birthday lunch, a replica English pub, serving traditional English food and i'm trying to smile, i'm trying to be grateful but I hate this place and Jared knows I hate it. 

It's owned by Shawns mother Karen and although the food is great and the atmosphere warm and homely it just holds too many memories for me to face today. especially now Shawn is due home and I know there's a slight chance I might run in to him

"What's with the face?"

I look up and Jared it glaring at me

"Nothing I just..."

"You hate it here"

I nod "You know I do, I've told you that before"

"But you never tell me why Camila, and until you tell me why i'm going to keep bringing you here"

I look down at my hands, a conversation with Jared about Shawn is definitely not what i need today so i just pick up the menu and glance over it, knowing there's no real point as Jared always chooses what I eat when we are out

"You know Camila, I didn't have to bring you out today" 

My head snaps up and I see his face darkening, his features becoming more tense and I know I need to do something to stop this before it goes any further

"I know baby, i'm sorry, it's not you it's me" I reach for his hand but he pulls it away from me "Jared..."

"Why do you always do this? No matter what we do you always have to spoil it, even on your birthday you can't behave"

"I'm sorry" I drop my eyes to the table letting him know i'm submitting, he's won, I take full responsibility, I take all of the blame

"I ought to let you sit there and watch me eat and buy you nothing, i've done it once, don't think I won't do it again"

"I'm sorry" I repeat, finally lifting my head so my gaze meets his but it doesn't, for some reason i look over his shoulder and there standing looking at me are the golden eyes I know almost as well as my own

"Camila?!" he asks, his voice loud and surprised 

"Who the fuck's that?" Jared seethes, his voice low and as cold as ice and I drop my head once more, hoping he will take the hint and leave us alone 

"Hey Camila, it's me, Shawn"

...He didn't take the hint.

...He's heading straight for us

*Based on a true story so please vote and comment. I know this wont be to everyones taste but I'm also writing stronger Camila characters in A One Way Ticket To Anywhere and also Diva 

*Also feel free to let me know what kind of Shawn character you hope to meet next chapter