TW: Mentions of domestic abuse, sexual assault, suicide, and drug abuse
AN: so sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes! wrote this in a hurry and didn't beta read it.
The afterlife wasn't what he expected. It wasn't on some cloud with people in angel's wings escorting him around, no. It resembled more of a bland office building. And it was empty. The place looked like an empty street- not a person in sight out the locked windows.
Could this be a nightmare? Trapped in a rundown office building with no way of escape? It wasn't like his usual nightmares, but it was certainly unsettling. He had walked the building three times now, searched every nook and cranny for a way out, but yielded no results. That was until he finally heard something- the shuffling of feet on the floor above him. After hours of being alone, finally! Another person!
He rushed to the stairs (the elevator hadn't worked) and threw the door open. He was on a roof. This wasn't the third floor...? He was sure he was on the second. But so desperate for contact, he stepped out onto it. Where was the noise coming from? It had been deathly silent before, could it have been a figment of his imagination?
"James."
James nearly jumped out of his skin, whipping his head to the source of the noise. That voice, it was so painfully familiar!
"Austin?" He whispered when his eyes finally laid on the sight in front of him. "Oh my God, Austin!" James ran toward him. Oh, how long had it been since he had seen him? How long since he had stared into those beautiful golden eyes? Played with those curly, chocolate locks?
Austin was right in front of him- maybe twenty feet away. James could feel his feet moving so quickly he thought that he would fall. But something was off... Just before he was about to embrace the other, some invisible force stopped him.
"Don't come any closer to me, James," Austin spoke with an authoritative voice he had never heard before.
"Wh-what?" He had never encountered a moment where Austin didn't want him! "Austin, what's going on? Where are we?" He asked, trying desperately to move past that barrier that kept him from the other.
Austin scoffed, "Really, James? Do you honestly not remember?" He practically hissed.
"What? No- why are we here? I'm confused." James felt betrayed, Austin was always so clingy- nearly reliant on him. Why did he suddenly act all cold?
"My God... Do you not remember the accident? How don't you? Goddammit- look at yourself, James!"
And he did, James looked down at his clothing, something he hadn't noticed before. He was wearing his regular clothes, but bits and pieces of glass were embedded in them, tearing up his shirt and pants. He felt something warm on his head brought his hand up. When James looked back- he could see red drip off his fingers.
"Austin... what's going on? Why am I here?" He asked again if Austin couldn't give him a straight answer- why did he even bother?
The other man's face suddenly twisted with rage, Austin never got angry. "Dammit- you're dead, James! You got into a car accident three weeks ago! This is something you should remember!" He huffed, and James was taken aback.
He was dead? Then... why was Austin here? James inhaled sharply, and memories came flooding back to him- He and Austin got into an argument, and James went out to go to a bar. That's what he always did. He had a few drinks when Austin started calling him repeatedly, apologizing profusely. This was expected, the shorter man always blamed himself. James had laughed and told him he was coming home. He didn't feel like calling an Uber, he could drive himself, anyway!
"I loved you, James! I fucking loved you! And you- you-" He broke off into more sobs, covering his eyes with his hands. He was about to lose balance, he was crying so hard.
"Are you still worked up over Virginia? It was two years ago!" James was suddenly really annoyed, couldn't Austin just get over it already? "Besides, it wasn't even that bad, it was just you being paranoid." Yeah, he knew how much Austin hated the word, but he honestly didn't care.
"I didn't want that!" Austin shouted back, tears still streaming down his face. "I told you no and you didn't stop! Are you so selfish to think that I could just get over that? I told you I wasn't ready?"
James reeled back, rolling his eyes. "You were never 'ready'! I only did what I had to do."
"'What you had to'? I had told you that I didn't want that for us yet, and you still went ahead and did it anyway!"
"Are you honestly complaining? All I did was help you get over your fear and now I'm the one at fault. When did I ever actually hurt you? Besides- where would you be if I hadn't done it? You were just a junkie before I helped you."
Austin gasped, his fists clenching, and no doubtably digging into his palms. "You wanna know where I would be? I would be alive, James! I would be married to someone good for me, and not you!" He yelled, throwing his hands in the air. Austin didn't yell, that was just something he didn't do. So it was a shock to James when Austin had yelled at him.
"...Alive?" He responded quietly. "Austin- don't tell me you- ohmygodyouactually-"
"Did you not put it together? You're dead and you're seeing me! What did you think?" Austin suddenly let out a loud laugh, although it was humorless and dry. "I guess you were right, James. I actually couldn't live without you. Even- even after everything you did to me, I still loved you." The laughs turned back into sobs, "I still love you. You hit me, threatened to get me hooked again, you did unspeakable things to me- and I. Still. Love. You." He enunciated each word as if he couldn't believe it himself.
James suddenly realized exactly what he had done. It all came crashing down on him at once. What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck was wrong with him? He drove his husband to kill himself just because he couldn't deal with not having sex for a few more months. James knew exactly what Austin went through as a kid and he still made him- Oh god, James needed to throw up.
"Oh my god. I'm so so so sorry." The apology sounded hollow like it always did whenever James apologized. But he meant it this time. "If there was anything I could do to-"
"There isn't." Austin huffed, "You made your choices when we were alive, and you can't just magically undo them because you're sorry. It's going to take a little more than that." And with that, the barrier was finally gone. James fell forward, having been leaning against it.
"Please, Austin- you've got to believe me. I love you too." He tried, tears nearly pricking at the corners of his eyes.
"No, James. It's too late. There's nothing you could say that would make me stop loving you, but there's also nothing you could say that would make me forgive you." He said darkly, turning away from James, who was now a sobbing pile on the ground.
"No wait- Austin please!"
"Goodbye James. I love you." And with that, Austin was gone. Gone forever.
