Would You Mind? ✓

WYM? 26

"Yaya, can I vent out something?" Uno Yaya Paning while munching on the bowl of cereals in hand.

The older woman was tasked to bring canisters of food for him and Dos, who hadn't emerged from her room.

"Aba'y oo naman. Ano ba 'yang gusto mong sabihin sa akin?" she replied while reheating food in the microwave.

He took a long pause. Resistance budded his mind if he'd tell her or not the vents that had deprived him of a sound sleep.

"Hijo, ano kako ang sasabihin mo?" She probably noticed how he stared at her in a trance, oblivious that she was waiting for him to mouth his vent.

"W-wala po pala. I mean, i-it's nothing important..." His voice trailed off, mind wandering in some argument he had with Dos.

"Can we talk?" he asked when Dos opened her room after receiving knocks from him.

She went back to her bed, leaving her bedroom door open. "Why are you still standing there? Aren't we going to talk?" she said, for Uno steadied himself by the door.

"Oh...." Uno timidly stepped in. He occupied the one-seater cushion a meter away from her bed.

Silence blanketed them for a full minute until he warmed up to make a talk. "About...about what you heard earlier during my conversation with my best friend...that's...--"

"That was unofficial?" She chuckled in derision. "Or most likely a lie?"

His lips parted multiple times to supposedly object, yet ended up locking it closed when he penetrated his gaze on Dos' face that was void of any emotions. He wanted so badly to soothe the pain in his chest.

"Sometimes we tend to feel like liking someone who confessed their romantic feelings to us, when in fact we don't. It's just that we, people, have this common need for belongingness and love that we'd grab it without further pondering, then later regretting 'cause it fell short of the love we were technically eyeing for," Dos said.

"I-I don't...get you, Dos...." He felt something heavy on his chest at the thought that she trampled on his feelings. "A-are you trying t-to trifle...on my feelings...t-towards you?"

When he saw her standing behind him as Yari had pointed out her presence, when she smirked and lined him with a remark so palpable to be considered a positive reaction--he thought everything would sail smoothly between them. He thought he'd be needing little to no elbow greases to mark her as his though it wouldn't be a burden if he had to. But it unexpectedly turned out the other way around.

"You wouldn't really get me, 'cause I know you are well-loved by everyone in your circle, making it highly improbable for you to relate yourself to a painful process such as that of thirsting for affection." She forced a smile. "Nonetheless, I also know it wouldn't take a genius for you not to sense that I'm trying to knock some sense in you 'cause Uno--I, myself, have experienced that first hand by grabbing it with Seri, yet I ended up devastating her in my quest to identify my conception, in my haste to forget shits, and in my dire need of love and belongingness that had always been elusive to our kind. So, as selfish as it may sound, I don't want to experience the same shit I made Seri feel, Uno."

"I don't want to experience the same shit I made Seri feel, Uno?" he reiterated her line. "Are you insinuating that I would make you feel that way, provided that I ain't in any quest, in any haste, more so in any need for whatever other than you?" he enunciated his remark slowly while pinning his forefinger on the couch along with his every word, to emphasize his want to be understood.

"Oh really?" She locked gazes with him, whose fiery eyes were already on her. "You're gay, Uno, an out homosexual for several years that came before me. I might have rocked the stillness of your universe, but that doesn't assure me that I could rock it throughout."

"Tangina." He stared incredulously at her like she spoke a language he wasn't well-versed with. "You're trifling on my affection to an identity-in-crisis of a woman that you are just 'cause I'm homosexual, yet you're not trifling on your own? I would've embraced excuses such as you're no longer into me, or you realized just now that you're into Seri, but that shit, in particular, Dos? You beat around the bush just for the shortest and simplest reasoning that you're scared to take the dose of your own medicine? How shallow could you get?"

"Hijo." Yaya Paning placed her cold hands on Uno's shoulders, causing him to break his reveries. "Kilalang-kilala na rin kita gaya ng Mommy at Daddy mo. Kaya alam ko na kahit sobrang bihira mong magsabi ng tungkol sa mga nangyayari sa buhay mo, 'pag hindi mo na kaya, magsasabi at magsasabi ka. Kaya ano 'yan? Sabihin mo na kay Yaya. Kung may maipapayo, sana makatulong kahit papaano. Pero kung sakaling labas 'man sa kaalaman ko, makikinig ako."

He plastered a weak smile.

Yaya Paning guided him to sit in the dining area.

"Naghihintay ako, 'nak, ha? Magsalita kung handa ka nang magsabi," told the old woman.

He took a deep breath before he divulged everything to his nanny, with which the latter reacted with, "Anak, wala namang mali kung takot siyang mangyari sa kanya 'yong ginawa niya kay Seri. Normal 'yon. Kahit sino hindi gugustuhin 'yon lalo na at alam na nilang hindi magiging maganda ang resulta. Pero hindi naman tamang isipin niya na dahil gan'yan ka, hindi mo na kayang panindigan ang mga babaeng kagaya niya, kaso hindi mo kasi kontrolado ang iisipin niya tungkol sa 'yo, anak, kahit gaano ka pa kasigurado sa nararamdaman mo para sa kanya," she said. "Pero maiba tayo, sigurado ka na nga ba sa kanya? Baka naman mamaya pinagtatakpan mo lang pala ang sarili mo kasi ayaw mong lumabas na mali, pero sa dulo, masasaktan mo nga lang talaga siya."

"Yaya naman--"

"Opo o hindi lang ang isasagot mo."

"Opo...."

"Napatunayan mo na ba 'yan sa sarili mo? Kasi si Dos, mukhang napatunayan na niya sa sarili niyang ikaw talaga ang gusto niya dahil heto at mas pinili ka niya kaysa kay Seri. Eh, ikaw? Sa anong paraan mo mapapatunayang sigurado ka na sa kanya?"

With furrowed brows, he asked, "P-po?"

The older adult sighed. "Ay, jusmiyo! Ikaw talaga ay dumadaan ulit sa krisis! Uno, anak, hindi sapat na may maramdaman kang kung ano r'yan sa dibdib mo," she pressed her forefinger on his chest, "para masabi mong gusto mo talaga siya."

"W-what do you mean? A-are you doubting as well?"

She shook her head. "Hindi kita pinagdududahan."

"Then what do you mean?" His brows furrowed even more.

"Ano sa tingin mo? Matalino ka, anak. Sigurado akong alam mo kung ano ang ipinupunto ko."

For a few seconds, he locked his grilling eyes on the older woman, trying to provoke her to make a talk telepathically, but he ended up doing it himself when thoughts surprisingly popped inside his head.

"Y-you want me...t-to date men...again?" he asked as if spitting poison from his mouth. His lips even twitched. "And see to myself if they'd still sway me? And if not...then that's only when I could say I am...head over heels for her? That until then...what I am feeling towards her is just trivial?"

Yaya Paning simply gave him a nod in response.

"But, Yaya..." He let the anticipation linger for a while. "Being a gay that I've always identified myself as, wouldn't be changed for the reason that I fell in love with a woman because Dos is and will always be the only exception. A certain collective perception that 'when a gay falls in love with a woman he should be identifying with the bisexual side of the spectrum' is all but an objective representation of fact. Dating men would always sway me because I'm gay, Yaya, only not if Dos exists."