Finding Sophie

Chapter 21

I chose to go for a nap to relax a bit and give my brain some time to just understand everything. I know for certain from experience that just forcing yourself into things will definitely not help moving forward. I make sure I have set a timer so that I don't oversleep and end up missing every lecture. I give myself three hours which is probably a bit much but I never sleep at night so I might as well.

It takes a while to get to sleep because my brain is overactive. When I finally do the dreams I have intense flashbacks. It's almost as if I am reliving those moments.

I wake up screaming and with sweat covering my body and feel my clothes sticking to my body making everything so uncomfortable. I get up straight away and pick up some clean and dry clothing. Heading to the showers with a bag of my washing stuff. I can't just sit in my sweat-covered clothing after what I have just experienced. The worst bit is almost always after when I have to sit with the never disappearing memories. They linger like a bad smell until I distract myself well enough to push them to the back of my head again. Where I keep them stored as unapproachable as possible.

Showers used to be the only thing that would help. The scorching water beating down onto my sticky skin. I made sure I always turned it up to full, as powerful and hot as I could get it. I'd much rather the low burn of a steamy shower than the ghost of my past.

The relief overwhelms me and I have to take a second to steady myself before I end up passing out.

After I get out of the shower I feel much better and have almost forgotten everything that I dreamed about. Briefly, I think of calling my mum because she always used to be there for me when I woke her up with my screams, she was the only grounding thing. But, I think better than it. She had to suffer while watching me suffer for years, I couldn't do it to her. She found it hard enough when I moved away in the first place without adding my problems when I'm away to her ever-expanding list of worries.

That's how the next week went, with continuous flashbacks during what's supposed to be one of the most peaceful times. By now as an adult, I have tried everything to get them to stop from therapy to weird concoctions. Nothing has worked. At most, it has made them less realistic but still existent. Overall, it was too much effort for a lack of results. Eventually, both my mum and I gave up trying as it was exhausting. So I now live with them.

My alarm goes off reminding me that I need to get dressed and ready to leave instead of sitting in my towel with my hair dripping down my back onto my freshly washed sheets. Even throughout all of this I still have lectures to attend and work to do.

You never know maybe I will learn something interesting about how to stalk someone efficiently while being very secretive about it. If anything would be useful to me right now it would definitely be that.

While my mind is on the topic I decide to give Stella a quick call. Just like Will, she picks up just before it rings out. Oh, I really do miss my best friend. How I wish he could be here to help me with whatever this is. He would know what to do, he always does.

"Hey, Nat. What's up?" I hear cheerily down the phone.

"Hello, I just wanted to let you know that I am ready to begin this whenever is suitable for you. What would suit you best?" I say trying to be as respectful as possible to hide the fact I feel a large urge to suddenly rush everything. I want answers.

"Wow, you sound so formal. Yeah, I'm ready. I was always ready but I could tell you needed some time to process everything. It seemed to hit you pretty hard." She adds sympathetically.

"Mm, thanks for that. I guess you understand me pretty well. I know I'm really not the best at expressing all of it." I giggle.

"I have to get going, lots of work to do. I'll see you later, I could pop round at 7 later if you're free?"

"I sure am free, I will see you then. Bye."

I check my watch to see what time it is and I get a shock at how long I seem to be taking at the moment. My life seems to be going at a crazy pace.

We hang up and I head over to my desk to gather up the bits and pieces I require for my lecture. As I pick up my notebook a slip of neatly folded paper falls out of it and drifts onto the floor. Curious to see what it is as I never leave any loose papers inside my notebook, I place everything back down onto the desk so I can bend down and pick up the paper. When I have it in my hand I slowly turn it over to see if it would even look like something of mine. It didn't which unnerved me slightly. I chose to sit down just encase whatever was inside this caused me to have a dramatic reaction – I am known to respond quite badly. I get the flimsy corner of the paper between my index finger and thumb after a few failed attempts. Slowly I part the sides. What was written on the paper shocked me to the core and sent a shiver through my spine. I'm glad I had the predilection to sit down.