Jess is finally going! That New Zealand holiday is at its dawn, and all she can think of is landscapes, walks and adventures. But what she does not expect to find, is what is waiting around the corner - someone.
Someone who will turn her holiday up...
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At the sound of his voice, James saw her pause.
Slowly Jess turned, as though unsure of how to move her feet. Obi Wan strained on the leash to get to James.
Jess ignored his efforts - she was oblivious to them.
Somehow she had not counted on James following her back. By some unfortunate miracle, she had not thought of that impediment. But now here he was - undeniably - standing before her, a striking reminder in blinding reality, of what she had been running from.
What she should still be running from.
"Jess I..." James spoke, and then trailed off.
He did not know what to say, but Jess could not blame him - she did not even know what to think. The moment his voice - his footsteps - had shattered the silence about her, her mind had been lost in a flurry of so many things, she could no longer place or identify any of them.
"Jess... what...?"
Who? When? Where? How?
They all seemed valid questions to Jess at that point, but she did not voice that opinion. Instead, she shook her head, hoping he would understand how confused she too was.
They stood a couple more moments in silence, afraid of stepping any closer, as though it may trigger some sort of spark, that would drive them apart forever.
"Jess," James tried again, "Please - please don't." He glanced down the path, at the countless steps still ahead of her - steps she had not taken. He hoped they counted for something. "Please don't."
Please don't. Two entirely vague words - they could be so meaningless. As trivial as those times your parents tell you not to go to bed late, or eat the chocolate bar you just picked up. But as Jess stared back at James, she recalled the last time they had stood this far apart, in this kind of silence.
She remembered the look on his face, mirroring the knotted feelings in her clenched heart, as she clutched her returned jacket on the sidewalk. She knew those two words meant so much more.
"I'm sorry James." Jess shook her head again, taking a minute step toward him, "I am so sorry - I just..." Where to begin?
"My mother!" She breathed, jumping at her brain's first suggestion. "She would never - I could never - you know? She would probably kill me." Jess realised how weak the statement must have sounded to him, only after it left her lips. But how to explain it better?
"I can't, James." Her voice was weak.
James wrung his hands, running his fingers through his hair and bringing them back again to rest at his sides.
"Jess," he took a tiny step, mirroring the one she had taken before, "you know, you make me laugh so much! In- in a good way of course." She saw him look at her, before continuing.
"But you made me so vexed, and resentful and- I- you made me this terrible, arrogant person, but that just showed me that that was who I was. But then you showed me I could just laugh - and, and everything would be okay."
Jess did not know what to feel. She thought she was breathing as though she had run a sprint, but at the same time, she felt as though she was suffocating. Every inch of her was tensed - to run; in desperation to know more.
"You make me feel all these crazy things Jess. These crazy, scary, exciting, confusing things. And I never want to stop feeling them. But if-" His voice faltered, "if they do have to end, I want to have felt them as much as I possibly could have. So I'll always remember. "
He stopped, and Jess realised they had moved within five feet of each other. Somehow, the space between them was beginning to feel less like a safeguard - more of a barrier.
"Only you can do that to me Jess. You know? Make me feel the way I have these past few weeks."
Her eyes moved of their own accord, latching onto his like a drowning swimmer to a floating lifebuoy.
"Only you can ever do that to me Jess."
"I..." Jess wanted to say something - anything. She wanted beyond anything to tell him that nothing he could have said, could have made her feel any more warm, excited, special - wretched. Wretched, because she did not deserve him, after what she was going to say.
"Before my dad died," Jess realised she was speaking below a whisper, but she could not force the words any further. "He told me - he asked me - to listen to my mum. He said that was the best thing I could do to help her, and make things easier on her. That's not the only reason I value my mum's trust, but it's a big reason I keep it." Jess looked up at James, who was now probably under three feet away. "So if she... if she doesn't want me to, I can't."
James nodded. Pain tore through him as he thought of what this meant. As he recognised that what should have lasted six weeks, would come to an end after four. He was going to lose someone else. Right then and there.
Tense lines etched themselves across his face; his mouth was drawn in a tight line. He felt like telling her just to forget everything else, and do what she wanted; what they wanted. But when he spoke, it was in a voice that assured understanding, very much like the one Jess had used.
"Okay. If you think you need to then..." He shrugged slowly, "Okay."
Jess nodded. She apologised, and then saw the broken expression on James's face.
And stopped talking.
She did not know what else to do, as James stepped awkwardly from foot to foot.
Neither did she want to acknowledge the stinging presence behind her eyes; the tight knot in her throat. But she saw them, as they leaked into her vision and blurred it - the tears.
Why did it have to be like this?
She felt terrible. She was an awful person! How could she have done that to James? How could she have let him believe that they could end up any way other than this?
But then it struck her, as James turned and walked away; struck her like a wave of icy water off the sea.
