The Dare (Dylmas)

1.08

Thomas' POV.

Dear Diary,

Life has been good. Me and Dylan finally got together after a while, meaning me and Rosa obviously are no more - I'm so glad it's over. Me and Dylan haven't been together for so long, but I have such a good feeling about our relationship. Everything seems so happy and just so much different than what me and Rosa happened. I'm scared though. I know that Dylan isn't the same as Rosa, but I still have this same fear. We're in the 'Honeymoon phase'; there's no telling what can happen in the next few months, maybe even years. I don't know what to expect from this relationship. I have no idea how long we're gonna stay together, how long he'll love me for, if anything gets too hard for us. Distance. Distance will be the worst part of our relationship. He's from America, and me England. The time difference, the hours apart. It's gonna get real difficult but I just don't know when and how difficult. I'm thinking that it wont be so bad because we always talk - we can manage the time difference. The only downside being one of us gets a bad nights sleep from staying up for hours or waking up super early. Dylan sometimes stays up until about 5AM so that he'll be able to give me a good morning text, then he's asleep for hours. It's hard to keep up conversations. Money to meet each other will be hard. It costs a lot for a decent plane ticket now. I don't think any of us have really thought out how difficult it's going to be. Maybe I should let Dylan know that it will be difficult. I struggle anyway. I don't know about Dylan's struggles at all. He knows everything about me but I don't really know so much about him. I don't know any of what he's been through, but shouldn't he tell me? I don't know. I can only go off of the only relationship I've ever been in, Rosa. That isn't really the best relationship to go off of though, so I don't think that I should take advice or thoughts from that relationship. I just want to learn more about Dylan and his past, so I can get to know him better and be able to fully love him the way I want to. But I don't know if I can love him completely, when I don't know enough about him - I don't think so anyway. I just don't want this relationship to be the same as the last one, do you understand? I don't know why I'm asking. I'm not going to get a response from anybody. Maybe me and Dylan could be something different to what I might expect, we could be stronger than that. I don't want to have another toxic relationship like the last, I can't stress it enough how much it scares me. It really scares me. I know Dylan isn't that type of person, right now, but anything can happen. It happened the last time. She broke me. I can't trust anymore. It's so hard to be in another relationship already. I just hope that I can get over it even if it's in the slightest so that me and Dylan can be the best we can truly be - be in love as far as we can be in love. I don't know if he completely understands that I cannot fully be in love with him as long as I am this damaged. I'm damaged. I hate to admit it because I've gone so long pretending that everything was okay. In a matter of days everything just hit me with the realisation that I'm not okay. I never was okay when I was with her, I was just blinded by lust, something I thought was love. Her twisted version of love. I don't know if I can ever face her again, ever. I know I need to go back to the house to get the rest of my stuff; but I don't want to see her. I don't even want the scent of the house to linger with me when I leave. when I do go back there, I need to make sure it's when she's working or just not home. I remember her working hours pretty clearly, I made sure to always do whatever I needed to during those hours so I had them memorised just in case. I knew they would come into good use, I can go with Kaya maybe when she's working. Take everything I need, everything I've loved. Love. I hate the word. But I still love it. It's so important yet sometimes when I think about what love has done for me it's so meaningless. Who ever knew I would have a love-hate relationship with love itself. I hate love because of everything Rosa put me through, but I love it because I finally got the man I knew deep down I wanted since I first saw his face. It's a difficult situation to be in, hating love but still loving everything it can do. It's terrifying what love can do. It holds so much power, so much fear. Anything can be taken from you in seconds just because of love. Love can have the power to ruin everything in a matter of seconds. Or it can make your life feel like you're living the dream. Like there is nobody to stop you. Nobody can stop you. But then it can break you down, make you feel like you're worth nothing. That's what scares me. I just don't want to be broken down by somebody again and I don't want that person to be Dylan, of all people in the world. He is the one that I feel like I can find peace with, love. True love. I know that he has it inside him to be able to have this relationship I've always dreamed of. I hope it works out. It has to. Thank you for always being there for me 'diary',

Tommy x