To The Moon and Back

𝟏𝟔 | 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐨𝐬

C H A O S

A distinctive area of broken terrain.

T O  T H E
M O O N & B A C K

I EXIT THE hospital with droopy eyes and a hungry stomach. Alula stands by my side with little space between us, just as she always does when things like this happen. Mum and dad are walking ahead, his hand enclosed around hers as we make out way to the car.

Considering I'm over the age of eighteen and I didn't admit myself into the hospital—Alula did—they did a psychiatric evaluation and watched me for a few hours and, now, the following morning, I was allowed to go, mainly because it's up to me. And I fucking hate hospitals, so there's no way I'm staying. One night was already far longer than necessary.

In extreme cases, where I'm putting myself and others in danger, I can—and have been—hospitalized for days to weeks, but for once Alula kept her mouth shut and didn't say anything about what I had done to Pandora—how I hurt her. I didn't mean to—I barely remember, but I didn't mean to hurt her.

She should have never come over.

Mum said I have to see Doctor Rinn again and she wants me to come home for a few days and be with family. I love them, but family is the last thing I want or need right now. I just want to be alone in the overly large, cold apartment that I call home, though barely. Just the thought of going back there makes me shiver like I was surrounded by snow rather than bland thoughts and gloomy skies.

I don't have the energy to say no, for once. They switched my medication and forced me to take it after hearing my complaints. It makes me feel tired. I feel dead. It makes me feel awful, like life's not worth living, which, quite obviously, it isn't, but it seems as though every time I'm close to the edge, I'm tugged back. It's like missing a train over and over again and you try to make it on time but just as you get there, the opportunity is missed and there goes the fucking train, and then you're just left standing there like an absolute bloody loser.

When we got home, mum took me upstairs, tucked me in like a child, and I stayed in there for three days. I couldn't eat, speak, move. It was like being paralyzed entirely, except my body was still functioning, my brain wasn't.

Mum gave me a bath and washed my hair. She bought takeout home every night but I didn't have much. Alula kept me company during the days whilst my parents worked. I didn't talk to her but she tried to talk to me, and when she got tired of talking to a wall, she would just sit at my old desk in silence. She would read, go on her phone, or whatever.

Tonight I still felt dead but those navy-blue walls were beginning to close in on me and it's a Friday night, of course, everyone is doing something. My mother and father almost cancelled their date night for me, I told them not to. I would just be in my room anyway.

I was in the house all alone and though I should have been relieved, I just felt bored. I didn't want to move but I didn't want to stay here either, so when Rion messaged me asking if I was coming to the after-party for his soccer game—which he won—it didn't take much for me to say yes. I need a fix, of anything. I haven't a single hit of anything in three days, almost four and that's probably another reason why I feel like absolute fucking shit, but I couldn't go find anything because I couldn't leave the room without needing my mum. I doubt I will find anything there, but watching people makes fools of themselves might help.

I still feel tired and numb but my need for something good right now is stronger than the overwhelming weight of exhaustion.

As I drove there quickly in attempts of gaining some feeling, I quickly realize I feel nothing but pain, and not even the adrenaline I would usually get from going a hundred in a sixty zone is enough to change that.