I'll Have a Blue Christmas (As Long As You're Here With Me)

One Blink and You're Gone

He blinked, and when he opened his eyes, he was no longer in the common room eating breakfast. He doesn't know when, but he'd ended up in the classroom, surrounded by 19 bright-eyed students much unlike himself.

Aizawa was talking, it sounded too distant to be important though. Like Shouto was in the back of his own mind and the words were in the front, out of reach and he couldn't care. The darkness offered by his brain sounded so nice right now. He was really just tired, and he felt ridiculous for acting like this and seeking the empty space in his head, but he remembered Midoriya and Iida telling him he was allowed to feel something other than fine and he was allowed to be tired.

He doesn't remember the conversation or when it had happened. It could have happened this morning, last week, maybe even in a past life. He felt too dull right now to remember.

"I pulled too many strings and made too many calls so unless you have special circumstances all of you will be going. If you have to stay at the dorms I'll have to either stay as well or another teacher will give up their break to do so. All of your parents already know of this so make plans to get a ride home..."

Shouto didn't know what Aizawa had explained before those words, but he guessed there was some kind of break. That wasn't good.

But Aizawa seemed to have dismissed the class and everyone was happy, jumping up and down and celebrating, so maybe it was good? Maybe he was overreacting and going home wouldn't be bad. Maybe his father really had changed.

The thought of that man- monster, his mind supplied- had the darkness tugging at him again, begging him to let go of whatever control he had left and retreat into it. The darkness was always inviting, welcoming. It was always tempting, even when he desperately wished he wouldn't go there. He couldn't control what he saw in there. He didn't know if it was dreams or flashbacks or what. Sometimes it was just dark though, and Shouto could get behind that right now.

He blinked, and he was sitting across from Jirou at a lunch table. He couldn't remember if he always sat here or not, and suddenly felt guilty that his body had decided to drift here without his knowing.

"Sorry," he muttered absentmindedly before picking up his tray and standing, scooting his chair out, and starting to walk away.

"Todoroki?" Yaoyorozu gave a concerned look and tugged on his sleeve. "Alright?"

"I'm fine. Just tired." It was a habit to lie about his well-being and a damn good one at that. "I didn't mean to take anyone's seat." He hated that his voice sounded tired and gravelly.

"Uh- you always sit there, dude." Jirou furrowed her brows, ear jacks raising in the slightest. "Are you okay? You're shaking a lot."

Todoroki sat back down when Yaoyorozu asked him to, not attempting to eat his food or anything. He just wanted to go to his dorm. And what he thinks he heard earlier was setting off warning signs in his brain. To not go home and to not subject himself to that man. He can already imagine it: he'll get home and his father will be inevitably mad about something Shouto didn't do. Then Shouto would be scolded for passing off the blame- heroes own up to their mistakes. So he'd be punished for lying, and punished for swearing that he didn't lie.

But his father had changed. Endeavor was a better man. And anyway... that wasn't anything. Punishment was normal in a functioning family. Was his family considered functioning? His mother was gone and his brother was dead. Natsuo hates his father and Fuyumi wants Shouto to make friends with his worst nightmare, and Shouto doesn't even know how to feel about it even though he was subjected to some of the worst pain.

He'd looked it up once: What is Abuse? He didn't even get to clicking on a website, as the preview had told him enough.

But this wasn't that. This was okay because he came out of it alive. 'Abuse victims can carry lifelong trauma, and a majority seek mental guidance.' He didn't need that. He had friends and family that loved him now. So he was normal and he was okay.