On Santa's Lap *Published*

Chapter Twenty

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

I nodded, "Rip it off like a band aid right?"

Rachel shrugged with a small smile as she shifted on her feet, we both were, it was freezing, "Yeah but the only thing is if you actually left a band aid on for this long it would probably be mouldy," she said shuddering.

"Eww, gross," I said smiling. She winked and wrapped a hand around me pulling me with her, "Come on, let's get this over and done with and then sleep over at mine, I promise no smoke alarms will go off this time,"

I smiled shaking my head, but the smile didn't read my heart. That feeling you got when you smiled or laughed, the slight press against the chest was still there but it was a different press all together.

"I'm sorry about calling you last night, did I disturb anything?"

"Nah, you're fine," she said as we walked across the grounds.

It was fairly late, well five and the event was at noon which meant most of the people were gone and we didn't have to see people. Of course there were still a few figures in the distance, I noticed three of them as family and two others I had not a clue.

I bit my lip deciding if i was making the right decision. But I felt like I just had to do this, get it over and done with or I would never do this. 

Jan looked over her shoulder no doubt hearing us approach and she looked surprised, "Oh, Eve,"

"Hey you got my name right," I muttered trying to make it seem like not a big deal that I rocked up. I felt her eyes roam over my outfit like she was judging me. 

"This was the only black I have," without seeming that I was rocking up to a wedding, because black was a totally fitting colour for weddings.

"It's fine, I'm glad you came,"

I nodded feeling awkward, this was really awkward and Rachel was just silent beside me, probably feeling just as awkward, "Here, I got these," I said holding up the flowers I brought giving them to her.

"You should give them,"

"Um, I don't know how," I said stating the obvious. I had never come here before, and I didn't know how things worked.

"You'll figure it out, we're going to go inside for a while, Rachel would you like to join us for some tea?"

I looked at Rachel giving her a look, don't you dare leave me. But of course she had to jump at the prospect of food, "Oh yes I'm freezing," and soon they all sauntered off even Evan who wanted to stay back with me was tugged along and I was alone.

Great, this was just perfect.

I looked around realising I should have brought a jumper with a hood or an umbrella and sighed lowering myself onto the ground and kneeling.

"Well this is awkward," I said feeling even more awkward when I heard my voice. I took the bouquet leaning over and placing it on the grave a lump forming in my throat.

What was I meant to say?

I sniffed crossing my legs and rubbing my hands up and down my thighs, "Am I meant to talk to you guys because that's just weird, I mean I highly doubt you can hear me," 

I looked up looking at the names on them followed by the date and encryption. I looked back at the building that was a solid ten minute walk away where they were all probably sitting inside and I was lost. Was I meant to sit here till they came back and got me? What was I actually meant to do just sitting in a graveyard waiting for ghosts to attack me.

"Am I meant to say happy anniversary because I don't think this is a moment to be celebrating," I said grabbing the bouquet to do something with my fingers, re-arranging the flowers. 

"Do you even like tulips, I mean you used to like them, I guess. Well the good thing is the prices are lower than usual, probably because they're in season," was I really just talking to myself sitting out here.

I felt like I was going crazy. 

 That was it, I was going to count to a hundred and then run out of here. I'm pretty sure I spent adequate time in here and had no need to spend a second longer. I got to fifty before realising that counting wasn't really a method to help anything, it just made you more restless. 

54, 55, 56, 57

It wasn't the best day to be out here, and I did want to get back before it started raining. My hair was still wet from the shower so I really didn't need it to get wet again. 

69, 70, 71, 76 let's just skip a few numbers

Well it was another year that was over, this year flew by.

96, 97, 98, 99, 1-

"I'm sorry," I said feeling my voice crack, "I'm so sorry mum and dad, I'm sorry," there wasn't much I could say except those words. And I didn't know how much they held. 

"I didn't mean for it to happen," I said pulling my legs to my chest and wrapping my arms around them, I rested my chin on my knees feeling something sting at the back of my neck. My eyes started to blur but it was the pain in my throat that it was the worst.

I wanted water.

"I was angry, you were angry, we all were angry," I felt something warm on my face and I turned my head wiping it against my jeans, "I want everything to be back to normal. But I realise it can't because you're not callng me at one a.m. asking if I ate dinner or if I'm coming home on the weekend."

I didn't even feel like my words were coming out properly as they were mixed with sounds I hadn't made in a long time, crying felt new. 

"I'm sorry,"

I heard footsteps and I looked up wiping my eyes fast, I wasn't crying, why would I be crying. Why did I feel embarassed to cry, they were my parents but I had never cried like that before.

"Aw babe," It was Rachel and the way she said it just made me cling to her crying. I felt her arms around me, they felt warm but they weren't the warmth you get from hugging your mum. The warmth that just suddenly disappeared one day.

"It's all okay babe,"

"It's not though," I said against her shirt pretty sure I was getting it wet. She made her self comfortable on the ground, "It will be."

"I'm not crying," I said as she gave me a tissue.

"No, you're not. It's just raining," she side as I wiped my face and blew my nose. Not the most attractive thing.

"Yes, it's the rain," I said, "It needs to stop," I wiped my eyes again as I felt like a waterfall that just started up again. 

I felt her hand rub my back, "Yes, it will, but the rain should keep going,"

"Why?" I said as I took another tissue from her.

"Well, it hasn't rained in five years honey, so the clouds have a lot of rain to shed. And it's good to rain. It's good to get it all out,"

I wiped my eyes, "You think so?"

"I know so,"

So like this is really part of the last chapter people, I didn't have time to update it all at once.