No Holding Back

Ch 1

Miranda stood staring out of the window of her office, she just stood there and stared. So much was happening and she was trying her best to hold it together and be the chief that Grey Sloan Memorial needed her to be but she felt herself slipping.
"This pandemic doesn't seem to have an end," she said to herself. On top of that her mom just died from Covid 19, her dad was alone and living in her hotel that she was always too tired to drive back to. She hadn't seen her boys and she knew she needed to be there for Tuck as he grieved. But the thought of seeing his face when Ben had to tell him that his grandmother died instead of her made her want to collapse to the floor. And Ben...she hadn't touched her husband or felt his embrace in what felt like years inside of over two months. On top of all of that Meredith was still not awake and Deluca had been murdered.
"It just feels like the world is falling apart. I want to cry, scream, curl up in a ball, be angry. But I can't feel like those things and be the chief," Miranda thought to herself.
She was starting to feel how she felt as a kid when all of her feelings were just about to burst out of her and she had learned how to contain it but in this moment she didn't know if she could continue holding it in. Miranda shook her head thinking about the conversation that she had with Dr. Webber earlier that day. And how she has just been so short with everyone.
Miranda decided to go sit in the gallery of her favorite O.R. It happened to be the O.R. that Deluca died in. As she sat up in the gallery just staring and thinking about all the surgeries she'd done and wished that she could be doing surgery now. As she stood there thinking and pulling at the ear loops on her mask, Dr.Schmitt came and stood in the door.
" Dr. Webber set up a memorial for Deluca," Schmitt stated.
"Here come the feelings again," Miranda thought to herself rolling her eyes. She just stayed quiet.
"I'm not a very good Jew. I cheated at my Bar mitzvah because I was too busy trying to ignore Lenny Razits shins. So I didn't learn Hebrew but just wrote it out phonetically."
"I skip half of the high holy days and repent for it at Yonka Kapor. And if I'm honest I go back and forth in believing in God which is actually very Jewish."
Miranda turned and looked at Levi questioning in her mind, "What does God have to with this?" She slowly sat down.
"We have rules...protocols about how to grieve and move on. To sit in the pain and feel...cry...laugh and eat a lot," Schmitt giggled thinking about how much they eat.
"Chief your mom died...my mom makes me crazy but I'm going to fall apart when she dies. And you have people you can be with who love you and miss you and need to grieve with you. This pandemic has taken so much...don't get it that too."
Schmitt walked away and Miranda fought to hold in her tears as she took in all that Levi had just poured out to her. She realized he was right and that she needed to see her sons, be with her husband, comfort her dad and take sometime to let all of her feelings about what she was going through out.
Miranda grabbed her coat and rushed to get to the memorial that had been setup for Deluca. As she walked through the hall her phone rang, she saw it was Ben and she got butterflies. "Hey Ben, ummm Dr.Webber setup a memorial for Deluca so I'm walking to it now."
"Hey Baby, I know...I'm on my way and I have Carina and Maya with me."
"Okay, I will see you when you get here. Oh and Ben...I love you, Miranda said softly.
As Miranda made her way outside to the memorial she hurried over to Dr. Webber. "Richard I need to take some time off, I need to go home...I don't know how long," Miranda said.
"Take all the time that you need," Richard replied.
As Miranda finished speaking to Richard she saw Ben pull up and help Carina and Maya out of the car. She rushed over to him and hugged him instantly. She hadn't touched her husband in almost 3 months and it felt like a rushing wave coming over her to feel his arms around her.
Once the memorial was over Ben stood staring at Miranda. "Ben, I...I'm coming home," Miranda stated. Ben's face lit up and he touched her shoulders unable to speak. "I will drive myself and meet you there," Miranda said knowing that her husband would offer to drive her.
Miranda hurried to her office to get her things and almost ran to her car. She was excited to get home...to be on her own bed, shower in her own bathroom, eat in her kitchen. But she was also nervous, what if her sons were upset that she's been gone so long. She hasn't been there to help them grieve...Tuck especially.
When Miranda pulled into the driveway all 3 of her men and her sister in law Rosalind were standing on the porch. Ben walked out to her car hugged her, kissed her head and grabbed her bag out of the car. She stared at her sons and they walked quickly towards her and Tuck fell into her arms as tears fell from his face. "Mom," he said into her neck and just like her son she couldn't hold the tears back. Joey stood behind his brother and rubbed his shoulder as Miranda reached for him and held his hand.
Once there emotional moment subsided, they walked into the house together. "Auntie Rosalind just made dinner," Tuck said still holding her hand. "That's great because I'm actually very hungry," Miranda replied slightly smiling. Ben and Miranda sat to the dining room table while Rosalind and the boys went into the kitchen to get the food. Ben stared at Miranda with so much love, care and concern in his eyes. He kissed her hand and held it as the trio brought the food out to the table. "BBQ chicken, Mac and cheese, stir fry veggies, mash potatoes and dinner rolls," Rosalind stated.
"Wow, this looks amazing Roz, thank you," Miranda replied.
"I always try to cook a lot of these growing and constantly starving young men," Rosalind said laughing.
Tuck and Joey laughed at Rosalind's statement, "Can I say the grace?" Tuck asked Ben.
"Of course Tuck," Ben said smiling and looking at Miranda.
Miranda felt herself getting teary eyed at her son asking to bless the food.
"Dear Lord bless this food and the hands that prepared it. And thank you that mom is able to be home with us so that we can start to feel like a family again, in Jesus name...amen." Everyone said amen and began putting food on their plates. They talked, laughed and caught up on what's been going on since Miranda hasn't been home.
"Both my boys, you look like you changed so much since I've been staying at the hospital and not being around you everyday. I'm glad that I decided to come home," Miranda said looking at Ben to avoid getting teary eyed again.
"We're glad your back home too Miranda," Joey replied.
"Well boys mom is probably very tired and she hasn't slept in our bed in almost 3 months, so do you guys mind cleaning up while mom and I get ready for bed?" Ben stated.
"Sure Dad...yes Ben," the boys replied as they began to clean the table off.
Ben, Miranda and Rosalind stood up from the table. "I'm going to help the boys clean up and then I'm going to head out," Rosalind said.
Miranda walked over to her and hugged her, "thank you for taking care of the boys for us. I don't know how I'm going to ever repay you."
"You don't have to that's what family is for," Roz said before hugging her brother and then walking into the kitchen.
Ben took Miranda's hand and led her upstairs to their bedroom. Miranda immediately began to take her clothes off and walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower.
Miranda stepped into the shower and felt her body relax instantly. She stood there for a few seconds. "Benn," Miranda called out to her husband. Ben rushed into the bathroom, "Yes Miranda what's wrong?" Ben asked standing close to the shower curtain.
"Nothing is wrong Ben...can you take the shower with me?" Miranda asked softly, almost in a whisper. Miranda heard Ben walk out of the bathroom and seconds later he pulled back the shower curtain.
They looked at each other like it was the first time they were seeing each other naked all over again. They examined each other with their eyes for a moment and then Ben stepped in behind her. The feeling of their bodies being close together like this was a shock to both of their systems. Ben kissed the back of her shoulder and she turned around and leaned her head into his chest. She felt a wave of emotions and began to cry almost uncontrollably and Ben held her. Ben helped her take her shower, turned off the water and wrapped her in a towel.
When they stepped back into the room, Ben handed Miranda her favorite lotion and she held it as he massaged the lotion all over her body. Once he was done he gave her one of her night gowns to put on and pulled back the covers for her to get in bed. Miranda sat and watched Ben dress himself for bed in grey shorts and a black T-shirt before joining her in bed.
As soon as Ben got into the bed Miranda slid over to his side and buried her face into his chest and began crying some more. Ben had never seen his wife this sad...this vulnerable in this way. He fought back tears of his own; he knew that this was the result of her not allowing herself time to grieve all the loss she had seen and experienced and especially with losing her mother. Ben just held her kissed her head and ran his hand through her hair until she feel asleep.
Miranda woke up suddenly but quickly remembered that she was home. She hadn't slept this soundly in a long time. When she checked the time on her phone it was 2am. It was pitch black in their bedroom, and Ben's arm was draped over her waist and his face was in her neck. The smell of her husband's body wash was comforting and she found herself feeling aroused.
"Is it right for me to want my husband when I also feel sad? It's been so long since we've had the chance to make love." she thought to herself.
Miranda turned over to face her husband and touch his face. She began to kiss him gently to wake him up. Ben groaned a little and quickly began kissing her in return. He reached under her night gown and slowly rubbed her booty. They stopped kissing for a moment and leaned their foreheads against one another.
"Ben I need you right now," Miranda said as she slipped her hand into his shorts.
"Okay Miranda," Ben replied kissing her deeply while swiftly pulling his shorts off and moving on top of her.
Ben stared at her for a moment before sliding into her making her gasp sharply. They kept eye contact as they made love and when they finish Miranda fell back asleep with her face buried in Ben's chest.