The Perfect Sinner series: End of Days

Chapter 3: A husband's confession.

England 1883 

The nightmares woke me again; they drowned me out of my dreams and into this reality. In order to silence the piercing screams, I shut my eyes. I don't even know why I did it. I guess in the darkness I tried to find the light within myself. I needed to save myself from tje nightmeres that crepet into my mind. 

I tried to cover my mouth, but as always, they pushed through the holes between my fingers and drenched the entire room with those memories that were trying to escape me. In the past, like eternity, the images of the fire and death would slowly erase themselves, but I've learnt to escape. In times like this, I  have learnt to detach myself until I feel the arms of Mathew wrap themselves around me. However, the kicking and clawing continued. My nails always dug into Mathew’s flesh, always reminding me that I was still chained to that part of my life.   

I am scared. I am scared of being tested again, to go through all that aguish and pain, to lose everything, but I had Mathew. With him beside me, my breaths became calmer and the screaming became something of a distant past.  He always just held me against his chest, whispering assurance and rocking back and forth until I calmed. Even now, I find myself thinking about his immense kindness. He is always kind and wasn’t even upset when I informed him I wouldn’t be able to fulfil all my duties as his wife.  At that time, my heart was still attached to another man after all. Instead, a tender smile formed on his beautiful red lips and he guided me to my own room, just across from his. Now there are these boundaries between us.

 In moments like this questions about how  it would be like to break the walls built to ensure my safety.  I mean, at this moment, we are so close and yet I feel so far from him. As though even with the kindness he gives, I’m unwillingly holding myself back. 

So close yet so far away.

 When my limbs had stopped clawing against his skin, he pulled my face towards his. His grey eyes bore into mine and offered nothing but sincerity, understanding and love.

“It’s okay Josephine, I am here and everything is going to be okay” His voice was deep and frim and provided me comfort. He then pulled me into a hug. Gradually, I wrapped my arms around him and sunk my face into his chest so I could take in more his autumn scent. This man loves me. I know he does; it’s not an arrogant thought. It’s just simply something that radiates off him each and every day.

 Even now, with my head against his chest as he sits on my bed, I can hear his heart pounding for me through the layers of fabric separating us. His love pours into me with every breath I took of his autumn scent. And as his fingertips stroked the white cotton of my night gown, it soothed my fears into heavenly serenity. I just stayed there; selfishly taking in all his love until tiredness slowly began to take me.

I vaguely remember moving from the bed and onto his lap. I wanted to be closer to him, being alone wasn’t an option. So I sat on his lap and leaned my head against his chest. He must have sensed my need to be held by him as almost instantly his firm arms enveloped me into a warm embrace. After that, its remember moving gin and out of sleep always opening  my eyes to my beloved Mathew.

Suddenly, I felt as if I was floating, then as if I was placed in a sea of feathers, before Mathew's warmth left me completely. I became alert, my eyes flung open and I griped the first thing I saw- His arm. The silver moonlight caressed every inch of his strong frame. I watched as a small, charming, tender smile formed on his lips as he slowly sat beside me again.  Our fingers intertwined and I swallowed the guilt that came with making a working man stay up this late. I just wanted him to be beside me, he reassured me. Not only because the aura he expelled made sleep come faster, but him being there made my nightmares subside.