Banana Pancakes

Hurt (Part 19)

❤︎

Part 19

Hurt

We kissed when we were seventeen, didn't we?

At the Park. On top of Banana Pancakes.

I still remember that kiss. It was a memorable kiss not because of the fact that my best friend of eleven-years was kissing me; it was a memorable kiss because Kongpob Suthiluck had kissed me as though we have been kissing each other all our lives.

Was it planned? No. Was it real? Yes. When did our feelings towards one another change? Don't know. Will our feelings change again? Don't know. To be completely frank, with Kongpob Suthiluck, I don't know anything except that I've known him for twelve-years without knowing much about him. I can't read his mind, but I can read his eyes. I can't understand his actions, but I can understand why.

From here on out, no more memories on my part.
It isn't fair for me to regard them with so much importance --- when Kongpob doesn't.
Let's leave it simply at that.

It is time to move on.

❤︎

Kongpob allowed me to rub his jaw gently as he stared at me in anger. "Do you like me then?"

"Of course I like you. I've known you for twelve years," I told him, mocking his ridiculous question and forcing myself not to blush.

"No." Then, quite unpredictably, Kongpob reached up to take my hand away from his jaw. For a while, I was surprised at his sudden movement, but before I could move, Kongpob had lowered his face to my level. As blurry as my vision was in the dark, his face suddenly became crystal clear in the very moment his soft lips pressed against mine in a quick, pressing manner.

It felt as though a soft warm butterfly had landed on my lips.

Just as quickly as it had happened, Kongpob moved back. I don't know whether it was the alcohol or his eyes were simply like that – but his eyes sparkled for a second, and my heart swelled.

Then, Kongpob asked me again, "Arthit, do you like me?" and kissed me again.

When Kongpob withdrew from me after our kiss, his eyes were glistening. His face appeared solemn and so sober that I had a hard time deciding whether he was really drunk or not. For a while, we just stared at each other - staring into each other's faces - the faces that we've seen change and mature over time.

Kongpob was holding my hand in his and stroking the back of it with his thumb, slowly and gently, and boy how that simple gesture made me feel all giddy inside.  

"Do you remember how I first met you?" Kongpob spoke up first; his eyes were going up from the focal point of my eyes. It gave me the impression that he was looking at my eyebrows.

I followed his gaze. "We were six - I'm not sure."

"It was my first day in the neighborhood; you and a bunch of other kids were playing and you saw me." Kongpob's voice dropped low to barely a whisper.

Instantly, my mind flashed back to that day. I could see six-year-old Kongpob standing across the sidewalk, looking sad and optimistic for an invitation to play. "I came over to you. I asked if you wanted to be on my team."

"And Bushy Eyebrows said that I couldn't play, remember?" Kongpob let out an alcoholic scoff at the memory of the neighborhood bully at the time.

"And he threatened to kick me out of the group if I played with you," I added to the story in a nutshell.

"And do you remember what I said?"
". . . We'll make our own group."
"We thought we were so cool. Two people making a group huh?"
"All you need is two people."

Letting out a sniffle, Kongpob lowered his head at my answer. For a while, Kongpob just let me sit there next to him - still reeling from the kiss that we just shared, absolutely confused. This was getting harder than we both anticipated I guess. It's amazing how twelve years can really change a person's perspective. Our banana pancakes was going to come first circle. This was it – this was the moment that Kongpob and I were no longer to be just best friends. It was a strange feeling – anticipation and fear mixed inside of my stomach.

But I should've known that the awkward transition from being best friends to being potential lovers was like driving 100 mph over a very large speed-bump.

"Alright, so I admit - I'm drunk. I'm really dizzy and all I can think about is barfing. But Arthit, we need to talk." Kongpob looked up at me, rubbing his temples. "Do you like me?" he repeated again. "Do you really like me? That way?"

Something inside of me filled up; a mixture of confusion and hurt. "What do you mean?"

"I want you to say it," he told me. "I want to hear you say it."

"...Are you changing your mind?" I asked Kongpob, immediately scared.

". . . ." Kongpob stayed where he was; refusing eye-contact with me.

"Look at me," I demanded.

Kongpob shook his head, looking away. "Just tell me, Arthit."

"Banana Pancakes," I said simply. "You told me it was your confession. Why are you acting like this now?"

"I just - after today, after what happened, I don't think I'm ready for the D word." Shaking his head with his incoherent sentence, Kongpob was driving me towards the world's-end-of confusion.

"Be clearer Kongpob. D can stand for dumb, dude, damn, duh –" I told him.

"Dating," Kongpob ended the speculation. "Alright? Dating. It's not the right time for us to date."

I went silent at his words. It felt as though someone just drilled a nail into my head, and I didn't know which direction the pain was. All I could do was stare at Kongpob Suthiluck as though he was an alien from outer-space.

"...You keep doing this Kongpob. Why do you keep doing this to me? Huh? You're gonna keep telling me that you're gonna do the whole Banana Pancakes confession, kiss me whenever you feel like it, ask me if I like you – and then, tell me it's not the right time?" I forced Kongpob to look at me as I lowered my head to capture his attention.

"Don't make me sound like such a jerk." Kongpob waved at me when he finally looked up. His eyebrows came together and the stench of alcohol radiated from his lips. "Don't..."

"I don't have to. You already are," I told him angrily.

This caused Kongpob to appear a little more awake. "Hey!"

"My name is not Hey," I told him sternly. "We made a pact not to talk about the Banana Pancakes incident last year. And then now you're telling me you want some Banana Pancakes – kissing me and asking me if I like you – what is this all about Kongpob?"

He didn't answer me, just sitting still in his place.

"You are just one confused, bipolar –" I started to say.

"I am confused!" Kongpob spoke up, looking right into my eyes. "Okay? Is that a crime?"

"Confused?" I stared back at him. "What do you mean?"

"Aren't we comfortable?" Kongpob asked me, as if the question wasn't as strange as it sounded. "Tell me Arthit, aren't we comfortable as best friends?"

"It's getting uncomfortable," I mumbled back.

"Think about it Arthit. We've known each other since we were six - count them - that's twelve years. I know everything about you, and you know everything about me. It's like we're family – it's like you're my brother. But then – then I like you. I just don't know, but I like you. You know? I - I don't even know when I started liking you; it's weird. But then if we – you know – the D word – it'll change everything. It's weird - it's - you're the only person that I can say things to, take it back, and then act as though it didn't happen. You know - hate, love - like family. If we move on from where we are, we won't be that way. Who am I going to be able to do the things I do to? You're - my best friend. I like you, but what we can do with that? Arthit, it'll change everything we've known about us. Think about it. It's not simple -" It was completely Kongpob's drunken state that was talking, but nevertheless it was the absolute truth - the entire truth in his mind.

I listened to those incoherent sentences, feeling as though the pool of confusion was dipping to an even greater depth. I raised a hand to stop him. "I get it."

Kongpob looked relieved when he was finally stopped. ". . . Do you feel the same way Arthit?"

"Yeah," I lied, shrugging. "Why ruin our comfortableness?"

"So you agree?" Kongpob whispered to me.
"I agree," I whispered back reluctantly.
"So we like each other."
"But we're not going to date."
"Exactly."
"Because we don't want to ruin our friendship."
"Yeah."
"But we like each other.
"Yeah."
"Why are we whispering?
"I don't know."

Letting out a sigh of something like relief, Kongpob reached out to touch the side of my face. "You're the only one that gets me-"

"If I don't, who would?" I told him, moving away from his touch.

Stretching out his arms, Kongpob motioned towards me. "Come here, give me a hug. All I wanted you to say was that you like me. I haven't been the nicest person to you lately. Do you like me Arthit? Am I still your best friend?"

Why - why was this so hard? Why was it so hard for us to just confess our true feelings? Forcing a smile on my face, I replied, "I'm still your best friend."

"This is one of the perks of knowing someone for twelve years. Great conversation. Gimme a hug." Kongpob enveloped me in his arms.

I melted inside.

We had done it. We had touched on the subject; we were comfortable - too comfortable as best friends. If we start dating now, it would change everything. But why was it so hard for me to look at him like that and not feeling something? The awkwardness, mixed with tension between the two of us was adding another layer beneath the confusion.

"Arthit -" Kongpob groaned as he pushed me away from him. He scrambled to get up from the bench as fast as he could.

"What? What's wrong?" I clambered after him.

"I don't feel too good."
"What - "
"Oh crap!"
"Kongpob!"

I was too late.

Kongpob Suthiluck had already managed to eat the ground; he fell down face-forward - finally succumbing to the effects of the alcohol.

Just like that, we were now officially back to square one - we were back to being an official ball of confusion. This time, we were inches away from the confession. At least we made some progress compared to the other numerous times we tried to move from friends to - ...