The Bright Side

Chapter 12 - Part 2

TRISTAN

We're in the tube and it's cramped. It smells of all sorts of people and it also smells of Sky, who is standing right in front of me. He is clinging to the handhold and I can't hold on to anything - all the handholds are taken and I can't reach the rail, I'm too short. I get thrown against the huge leather shopper some woman is holding and it feels as if she transports boxes in it; the corners poke my side ever so often. And then suddenly there's Sky's free hand clutching my shoulder and I hold onto his arm. It's close and it feels intimate and my whole skin is alive. I look up at him and he stares me down and I'm wondering if he's going to kiss me again. His face is so close and there's only my arm between us, stuck between his belly and mine. Sky averts his eyes and focuses them on an advert for liposuction and his face is completely lacking an expression. You want to knock on his head to see if anyone's home. I know that with Sky it's like this: the emptier his face, the more is going on behind it. And I'm not sure I want to know what he's thinking.

On the ride back Sky's playing Tetris on his mobile again and I watch him for a while. I'm knackered, I've barely slept all night. I had already been half gone when I felt Sky's hand slide across the mattress. Drowsiness had been replaced with alertness when his pinkie finger barely grazed mine. The night was over when my hand found his and couldn't let go anymore, as it held onto his without my brain having any say in the matter. It doesn't count though, because everyone knows that there's a parallel universe underneath the bedding, a silent world where reality has no room. A place where you can hide from monsters. A place where you're safe. It's only the outside world where everything is weird and scary and there's nothing but havoc. Apparently, the soft movement of the bus and the monotonous droning transferred me to sleep. I wake up to Sky patting my knee.

"We're almost there." His voice his quiet and close.

I realize that my head is resting on his shoulder. I open my eyes and first thing I see is his mouth declined towards my face. His bottom lip is slightly fuller than the top and he moistens it with his tongue. Its proximity freaks me out. I sit up straight again and yawn and stretch my arms. Sky watches headlights fly past the pitch-black window now and I reach towards his lap, where my base cap is lying. He must have pulled it off my head or maybe it just fell down. His eyes catch the movement and for a split second his expression is startled before he gets that I just want to retrieve my cap. I take it and cover my head with it and hide underneath the peak. I feel unsettled and restless. I'm standing on a ledge and I feel like I'm about to fall. I'm heading somewhere dangerous and even if I might want to, I'm not sure I can allow myself to go.

I watch him from the corner of my eyes and Sky seems totally relaxed. He traces a raindrop's way across the glass with his index finger - with every inch it proceeds, it leaves something of itself behind, getting smaller and smaller until it disappears. I feel the same way and I wonder what will be left once I reach the end.

The bus comes to a halt and we get out. I'm tense, I feel like I'm going to burst out of my skin any second. The squishy sound of footsteps on the wet concrete dies away with the people that cause them, hurrying away, trying to evade the strings of rain that hang from the sky, tearing car doors open and slamming them shut again, fighting umbrellas against the wind, holding folded newspapers over their heads and run home before they're soaked through. I head for the small stripe of dry concrete underneath the shelter. Sky follows me and then we just stand there. There are no words to build a bridge between us. He turns his back to the pouring rain and looks at me, opening his mouth as if he wants to say something, but swallows it right before it attempts to come out. My eyes linger on his face, searching for something to keep me from spinning around and I think that, right this moment, Sky is both – the reason for and the solution to spinning. I want Sky to disappear, so I can feel like myself again and the last thing I want is for him to leave, because then I might never feel like myself again.