You're a Lizard, Harry!

A Visit to the Dungeons

The Slytherin common room was almost exactly how Harry had imagined it: cold, a bit eerie, and sickeningly posh. The Slytherins inside were much the same. He guessed it must be breaking about seven hundred Gryffindor honor codes to be in this room, but then, it wasn't like he had any choice in the matter.

One thing that was surprising, however, was how calm the room was. Theodore Knott sat in a green armchair near a large fireplace, reading his History of Magic textbook. Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle sat perched on a windowsill ('How did a dungeon have windows?' Harry thought wildly. Magic is strange.) playing exploding snap. Pansy Parkinson was reclining on a silvery sofa, alternating between flipping through a Quidditch magazine, and painting her toenails.

Parkinson glanced at him lazily. "Close your mouth, Potter, and quit staring. Your pea-brain might roll out of your mouth and stain our new carpet."

Crabbe seemed to perk up at this, "Pansy, tell him about what happened to our last carpet." 

Draco Malfoy, who was currently restraining Harry with a complicated curse Harry had yet to learn, snorted. Harry laughed too, but for a different reason. "That has to be the stupidest insult I've ever heard."

Draco said, "Shut it, Potter." Just as Pansy threw a quick hex at him, looking bored. Harry dodged it, Malfoy scowled.

The commotion seemed to finally have an effect on Knott, who looked up from his book. "Will you two grow up?" Malfoy's scowl deepened, Parkinson just cackled.

"Thank you, Th—Ow!" Harry didn't finish his sentence, because at that moment, Knott sent a stinging hex at his right arm.

"Yeah, yeah don't make me take it back." Theo mumbled, and turned back to his book. Harry now noticed that Crabbe and Goyle were standing behind Malfoy, in their familiar menacing manner. Harry repressed a laugh. Harry looked around. Why were there only sixth years in here? Something was up, but that he already knew, he was in the Slytherin common room, after all.

"So, what's the plan?" Harry asked, addressing Draco.

"What?" Malfoy spat back, crisp and clear, enunciating every sound. Harry bit back the urge to mock him.

"Well, isn't that what villains do? Explain their elaborate and mind numbingly boring plan to their victim?"

"Wow, Potter, always playing the victim, aren't you?" Pansy said, lazy as ever.

"Yeah, it's not like I'm being held hostage at wand point or anything." Sarcasm bled from Potter's mouth.

"Wand point?" Draco asked. "Barely." He scoffed. "This is wand point." Malfoy jabbed his wand at Potter's throat. 'Great, what had he gotten himself into now?' Harry groaned internally. "As for my plan, it's quite simple, really." He pulled up the sleeve of his robe. Knott shivered from across the room. Crabbe and Goyle took a few paces backwards, making sure Malfoy didn't notice when they did. Parkinson was as unfazed as Harry himself.

In black ink was a skull with a snake protruding from its open mouth—the Dark Mark. "As I was saying," He turned to give a pointed look at his two henchmen. "I will press on this and Apparate to the Dark Lord himself... with you, of course." Harry still looked unbothered. "So that he can kill you." Malfoy hastily added. Potter still looked unfazed, Malfoy scowled.

Harry knew not to show any weakness, but more importantly, he actually wasn't afraid. He saw a very obvious flaw in Malfoy's plan. For starters he didn't think that was how the Dark Mark even worked.

"Grab onto my arm." Malfoy commanded.

"Excuse me?" Harry scoffed mockingly. Malfoy shoved his wand farther into Harry's throat. "Yeah, okay, okay." Harry barely managed to choke out with a cough.

Potter grabbed onto Malfoy's arm. Malfoy pressed his Dark Mark.

"You can't Apparate on Hogwarts' grounds." Malfoy turned around, startled. A gaggle of Gryffindors—and a Ravenclaw—were at the entrance of the common room. Harry let out a sigh of relief. "Haven't you read Hogwarts: A History?"

It was Hermione, thank Merlin for that. Malfoy's guard was down, he wasn't expecting this. Harry took the opportunity to sprint over to his fellow classmates.

Malfoy regained his senses. "Not so fast." He snapped, and sent a curse in Harry's direction.

"Expelliarmus!" The youngest Weasley cried, and Malfoy's wand flew out of his hand easily. Harry wondered if this would be an even match, or if the Slytherins outnumbered the Gryffindors—and Ravenclaw.

It didn't matter. Pansy Parkinson sat cackling with laughter at Malfoy's misfortune. Theo Knott was unfazed, and Crabbe and Goyle gaped between Pansy and Draco helplessly. Malfoy was annoyed or worse—fuming.

"Seize him!" He cried, turning to Crabbe and Goyle. This just made Parkinson cackle even louder.

"Seize him? Really, Draco?" Theo supplied from his spot near the fire. The redness in Malfoy's cheeks turned from anger to embarrassment.

"Goodbye, Draco!" Luna Lovegood said, sweet and cheery as ever. Ginny took this as a cue to  drop Malfoy's wand at her feet, and the group walked out of the common room, bursting with laughter.

***

"You thought I was a lizard?" Harry said between laughs, back in the Gryffindor common room—Luna was there too, of course.

"Yeah, well, he looked at lot like you, mate." Ron said, fidgeting with his wand, spinning it from hand to hand.

"You think I look like a lizard?" Harry mocked being offended. The group nodded playfully, the lizard still in Luna's hand.

"Even Madame Pomphrey thought it was you. Dumbledore figured it out in the end though, obviously." Ginny supplied. Harry stared in disbelief. "I'm not making this up." Harry shook his head.

Harry added breezily, "I was in mortal danger and none of you even noticed. I was about to be handed over to Voldemort." The Weasleys winced at the name. 

"To be fair, Harry, we did think you were in mortal danger just... in a different way I suppose." Hermione added helpfully. Harry laughed again, he was surprised to see that Ron didn't seem to find the situation as amusing as the rest did.

"Ron? Everything okay, mate?" The red-haired boy looked up and grinned.

"Yeah, yeah, just thought Ex-Death Eater Regulus Black was trying to kill you for finding out he was alive and an animagus, that's all." Ron seemed to finally realize the hilarity of the situation.

Harry raised an eyebrow, "Pardon?"