I woke up in a white, clean room. My head felt as though it had exploded and it was putting itself together each second, but as it did, the most horrible pain occurred. I looked around, wondering why I wasn't here, and why was I alone? Then I remembered. I couldn't believe it. I just wanted to hold her hand and tell her I loved her once more. Her thought of me when she had gone must of been dreadful because of what I had done. She died hating me. I couldn't take it. My eyes filled with tears and began dripping down each time I thought of her beautiful face. Each time I heard the words "love you!" in her voice echoed in my head. I dragged my lifeless body into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I didn't deserve to be here, no, not after how I betrayed my mum like that. She should be here - not me. I took some scissors from the cabinet and lightly stroked them over my wrist. My head was telling me yes but my heart was telling me no. I slightly pressed the blade into my skin, making me hiss. The redness of the blood stunned my eyes as it contrasted with the pureness of the room. I threw the scissors down on the floor and limped into my room, grabbing onto whatever I could handle. I lay on the floor, the wetness of my face made it stick to the lino. My time was here and now. As I faded into the darkness, I heard a man's voice surrounding me.
"Emma...emma! Are you there? Emma!" it repeatedly began to shout. My body started to shake. My eyes darted open.
"Emma! Emma! Oh thank god you are okay." Nathan said as he rested his head on my chest. "You don't know how glad I am you have woken up." He put his hands on my face and kissed my forehead. It looked as though he had been crying. I looked around, and it was the same room I had just dreamt about. White walls, monitors, lino flooring. How strange.
"Where am I?" I said, squinting.
"You're in the hospital. You fainted while on the phone to your Aunt Michelle. Do you remember that phone call?" He looked at me very serious. Of course I remembered it, I wish I hadn't. My eyes began to flood, resulting in Nathan wiping my tears away and squeezing my hand. All I could think about was my mum. My amazing mum. Her laugh, her smile, her kisses, her warm hugs, the way she's make me a cup of tea in the morning, the way she would shout at me when I came into the house with muddy shoes, or the way I used to forget to wash up after tea. I missed her. More than anyone could ever imagine.
"Look, everything is going to be okay. It's going to be okay, Emma. Trust me." I sat up fully and we wrapped our arms around each other. He was the only one I could feel safe around. At that moment, a nurse walked in. We broke apart, unsure of what she thought. We looked at each other worried, in case she had her suspicions. Luckily, she didn't even notice, she came in and went straight to my file at the bottom of the hospital bed. She was an African lady, quite obese, with tied back hair in a low bun.
"Well Emma. Im so sorry. I bet you are feeling alot of pain right now, but trust me, it will all disappear. Just know, any of our staff are here to help if you feel down. On a good note, it's nice to see you finally awake! Nathan here was getting worried, he was pacing up and down the room all night, and when he wasn't he was by your side. Boy, have you even ate?" she said, looking at him like he was crazy. He shook his head at her, then looked back at me. He smiled an innocent, loving smile. Not one of his famous sarcastic or proud smiles, but a true smile.
"Well boy, let me tell you. You can finally eat because now Emma is awake she is free to do whatever she wants. I'm presuming she is going home with you, yes?" I looked at him, worried. He wouldn't want to take care of me while I'm in this state. Besides, I just wanted to go home, go home to my mother. I guess staying with him was the last thing on his mind.
"She certainly is."" He turned and looked at me, telling me with his eyes that he meant it.
"You what? You want me to go home with you?" I said. Now he looked worried.
"Yeah, why do you not want to?" He tried to hide the frown by changing his glances at the nurse.
"Y...yes I would love to." I forced a smile. Sure I was happy about living with Nathan...but...you could say I wasn't in the best of moods.
"Great. Are you okay to get dressed by yourself?"
"Of course she is!" the nurse blurted out after listening to our conversation. "I've got my eye on you, boy." she pointed her chubby finger at him and walked out.
"Emma, you know I didn't mean it like that. Im just worried about you." He held my arm.
"Nathan, I'll be fine." I lied. I felt like collapsing on the floor and meeting my mum again for one last time. I felt like making my dream become a reality. I could easily just go and grab those scissors.
"Good. I will wait outside in the waiting area, okay?"
"Okay." He then got up, kissed me one last time on the forehead and left. I eyed the scissors in the bathroom. Should I do it? I carried on eyeing them until I finally built up the strength to get up. I waddled over to the chair which had my bags on it, including a change of clothes.
I slowly got changed, grabbed by bags and as I headed for the door, dropped my bags and ran into the bathroom.
"God mum I need you." I whispered to myself while looking in the mirror once again. Tears streamed down my face, once again. I just wanted to end all of this pain and misery. I grabbed hold of the scissors and pointed them towards my skin. My arm shaked, making the scissors fly out of my hand and into the sink below. It was as if someone was shaking my arm in order for me to drop them. I wasn't ment to do this, if fate had wanted me to die, it would of happened.
I cleared my self up and exited the room, coming out to see Nathan sat in the chair watching football in the waiting room. I was behind him so he couldn't see me. I coughed, and he turned round and darted out of his seat and up to me.
"Here let me take those." He took my bags from me and nodded his head to the door, indicating that was where we were headed.
We left the hospital, thank god, and got into the car. It felt like hours until we reached our destination. No one spoke, and I just stared out of the window for the whole time, reliving memories of when I was younger. One memory just lived in my mind. I was 5, and playing in the garden. We had a swing set, and that was pretty much it, so I was on that all the time, I loved being outdoors. One day, I was swinging so high because I thought if I swung high enough, I could reach the clouds. Unfortunately, I was a dumb child, and I flew off the swing within seconds. I cried and cried and cried, until my mum came dashing out of the kitchen with a tea towel over her shoulder.
"Hey whats the matter my little pumpkin?" she said while pulling me into a hug, shaking me about making me laugh. I pointed to my knee, which had broken out with blood.
"Oh it's only a little scratch, you will live!" She kissed above my knee. She was right, it was only a scratch. "Emma, remember. As long as I am here to protect you, you will be fine. Sack that, you will be better than fine! You will be glorious!" She said, raising her hands to the world, and laughing. I giggled with her.
"And if for some reason I am not by your side, whatever reason that may be, I will always be here." she placed her hand on my chest. "In your heart."
"Are you ready?" Nathan said, right by my side.
"Erm, I think so." We got out of the car and I couldn't help pull a puzzled face. "Where are we?"
"Oh, well, since we are back at work, we have had to come back to London to our apartment. By 'our' I mean the band's. Don't worry, they are as easy to get along with as I am. They love company!" He grabbed my bags and headed for the door. I took a moment to take in my surroundings. My new life. There were trees surrounding us, with a park on the other side of the street. The swings blew in the wind. I stared at them for a moment, remembering. Then I realised, I was prepared.
I was prepared for my new life, without the things I missed most.
