The Genderbending Of Haruhi Suzumiya

Chapter 1 -- The Genderbending Of Haruhi Suzumiya

You would think that after all of the crazy shenanigans that Haruhi had put me through, I would be used to the strange, eccentric, and dangerous scenarios popping up all the time right? Wrong! For over a year now, I've hung out everyday it seems like in the Literature Club room with my fellow SOS Brigade members. It's become part of my daily routine to interact with an alien, time traveler, and an esper; people who the entire world for the most part agree don't and can't exist. I've been trapped in closed spaces, attacked by giant crickets from outer space, and almost killed on a number of occasions. But none of the Haruhi centered anomalies that eradicated my once average high school life could prepare me for what would happen next. And when I say it caught me off guard, I mean like an unsuspecting fly who just happened to land in the mouth of a Venus Fly Trap. Only if I were the fly, it would be more like I was pushed in rather then lazily coming to rest there. And this event, like all the others before it, started on another typical day, where normal people wouldn't have thought twice about whether they'd wake up the next day a totally different person.

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"UGH!!!" Haruhi shouted as she slammed the club room door open. She was in one of those moods again. Koizumi could expect to deal with another closed space later on. She blasted past me and threw her self into her roller chair. "I can't stand normal people sometimes!!" I wonder what I did wrong this time?

"What happened?" I asked while sipping from my cup of gloriously brewed tea from the graceful hands of Ms. Asahina. I couldn't care less as to what was bothering her this time. I would much rather just sit and enjoy my cup of heaven. But I had to make it seem like I had at least some interest in her troubles, or else it was bad news for all of us. Haruhi reached into her bag and pulled out a small light blue envelope. She flicked it at me with a less then enthusiastic expression and just kept staring out the window. On the front of the letter were the words 'To Suzumiya Haruhi san'.

"What's this?"

"See for yourself."

I opened the envelope to find green notebook paper on the inside. I couldn't believe what it read and ended up rereading it to myself a couple times over just to assure myself of what was written.

"Ever since I first laid my eyes on you I've felt this tugging in my heart. No matter how hard I try to suppress my feelings they come back even stronger. Please meet me behind the gym today at 4:45 so i can express my true feelings." was written in neat text across the lined paper. I had to keep myself from laughing. I can't believe someone actually wrote a love letter to Haruhi. Of all people. I wonder if that person knew what they were getting themselves into. It was already almost 6, so the time listed on the note was long past.

"Did you go and see who wrote this?" I inquired. For some reason I had this strange feeling. Like I was jealous of this secret admirer.

"Of course I did."

"So. Who was it?"

"Some freshman from Kouyoen Academy. I've never even seen the guy once in my life before and he just up and confesses to me!" Haruhi was really aggravated about it. I guess that means she turned him down. Maybe I could tell Taniguchi that she actually turned a guy down. I'm sure he would get a real kick out of it.

"Yeah if it were me I'd at least attempt to get to know the girl before I ask her to go out with me." I interjected

"Oh yeah, well no one asked you anyway!" she shouted back. Something about this conversation seemed a little familiar. "Being a girl at this age is so hard!" she sighed, "The guys around here are all pigs!" That was a pretty rough statement

"Hey! Not all guys are terrible. It's sort of a two way street, you know? Some guys just go around doing whatever the heck they want. But others actually take others into account. Same goes for the girls. Some really don't care about what others think and just go around doing whatever (Not naming any names), but others are nice and gentle and actually care about what people feel. You can't help how some people act or behave. That's just the way they are. There's no rhyme or reason to it. And besides, if they're weren't people in the world that you didn't like or wanted to prove something to then no one would ever strive to be better then one of those self-centered or clueless types of people."

"Whatever..."Haruhi pouted and turned back to the window. If I remember correctly, the last time a conversation between Haruhi and I rambled on like this it led to me unintentionally inspiring her to start up the SOS Brigade. Maybe this topic is what started the event that transpired the following morning. Or at least I would hope it to be that simple.

I looked to Koizumi and he just shrugged and smiled that annoying smile of his. Something about that look just pisses me off.

Haruhi was silent for the rest of the club meeting until she decided she wanted to leave. Slowly, the remaining club members took their leave as well, and before I knew it, I was walking in my front door to be greeted by my overly enthusiastic little sister. 

"Hi Kyon!" she screamed into my ear.

"I really wish you would stop calling me that. Why don't you just call me by my real name or at least call me 'Big Brother' or something. Its your fault that everyone started calling me that anyway. Why don't you show your big bro a little respect." My argument made no appeal on her, but I wasn't really in the mood to fret about it. The heat had drained my tank on the walk home. All I was focused on doing was eating and getting some sleep. I'd save whatever I wanted to say for another time.

I slept amazingly that night. No tossing or turning. No weird dreams. no phone calls to wake me up in the middle of the night. It was the best sleep I had gotten in long time. But it was also my calm before the storm. If I was aware of the hell that I would have been awoken to the next morning, I wouldn't have slept a wink. I would be scrambling out of my mind trying to figure out a way to prevent it. But there was nothing I could do. Nothing anyone could do. Because what happened that night at whatever time the event was triggered, came from so far out of left field that you would have needed the HUBBLE SPACE TELESCOPE to see it coming.

The day was wednesday.