Nicotine (Eremin)

Chapter 10

February 

Eren's POV

        I kept telling myself I would tell Armin that I loved him the next time that he called. I had already tried twice, and I'd been cut off both times. I'm starting to take it as a sign that I wasn't supposed to have fallen in love with him. 

        I didn't know what love was for myself. I was only a highschooler, but I assume its similar to the feeling I got in my chest when I heard Armin's voice. 

        I was sitting at my desk in my room writing up different ways I could tell Armin how I felt. None of them felt right to me. There were at least twenty different ideas I had, but I didn't feel that any of them were right. 

        I had plenty of ideas, I was just lacking the guts to utter three simple words into a phone. 

        It had been occurring to me lately how powerful words could be. If I only had a limited amount of time to talk to Armin, I had to choose my words carefully. Whenever I got a call from Armin I made sure to listen to him with all of my attention, because I never knew when I would be hearing from him again. 

          I felt it slowly driving me crazy. Anything could be happening to him right now. He could be asleep, safe, in a hotel room. Or, his body could be lying at the bottom of some dumpster, and it scared the living shit out of me not knowing if he was okay. 

        I shook my head, and tried not to think of Armin being dead. It seemed unlikely, considering how smart he was, but I was still terrified. I know that I should trust Armin to take care of himself, and I do, but that doesn't mean I'm not acting like a concerned parent. 

        I crumpled up yet another paper and tossed it onto the floor with the others. I was having a really hard time coming up with the right way of saying  'I love you'. 

        I picked up my pen and tried scribbling down yet another confession with still no luck, when my phone rang. I dropped my pen and nearly fell out of my chair trying to grab it. 

         "Armin?" I asked into the phone. 

        "Yeah, it's me again." his voice sounded through the phone. 

        "So, where are you? Are you doing okay?" I asked for my routine check up on his well being. 

        "Yeah I'm fine. My train just arrived in Pennsylvania. I'm gonna sleep at the station tonight and walk tomorrow. I haven't seen any more posters with my face in them, so I think I'm in the clear." he told me. I took a deep breath, and tried to muster the courage to tell him how I felt. 

        "Hey, Armin?" I asked, My palms were sweaty, and my legs were shaking a little. 

        "Yeah?" he responded. 

        "I think that I'm in l-" I couldn't finish. What if he didn't feel the same way and decided to go somewhere else? I'm sure he had family some other place that he could find his way to. "I'm, uh, lucky that you're coming here. I can't wait to meet you!" I tried to improv a better answer. 

        "That came out of nowhere. Yeah, I mean, I can't wait to meet you too. I'll get there eventually, I promise." he sounded skeptical. I could have blown it. 

        "Okay. Promise me that you'll be okay?" i asked. I hugged my knees to my chest.

        "Of course I'll be okay. I should probably get going, man. I'll call you soon!" he said, cheerfully. 

        "Okay. Stay safe."

        "Yes sir." he laughed. 

        The call disconnected and I was left alone in my dark room again. 

        Maybe it wasn't my room that was dark. Maybe this is just how I'll see the world without Armin.