Everyone Has Secrets

Chapter 31

When he'd returned with their glasses of wine, Brian had simply passed hers to her and nestled on the couch behind her, one arm around her middle as she leant back against him. They'd stayed in silence for a moment, both of them seemingly deep in thought. For Meredith, she was trying to figure out where to begin with all of this. It was slightly distracting having Brian kissing her neck, or her shoulder every now and again, his lips lingering. She was thankful for it, though. She too wanted to avoid the conversation, as inevitable as it might be.

As she lay there with him, taking occasional sips of her wine, her mind started to wander back to the tragedy that had torn the pair apart so badly. The aftereffects of said tragedy causing what some may say was irreparable damage. But Meredith thought of herself as anything but a quitter, hence her need to make everything right between them again, back to the way things were before their world had come crashing down.

****

Brian still hadn't returned her calls, and part of her couldn't care less as she watched her son, barley alive in the incubator. She had a decision to make, and as the only parent here, she had to make the decision on her own. Was it worth all the pain she knew Noah was in to see if he might survive? Would any future pain, that no one could ever predict, be worth all of this? Was it more humane to allow for his natural passing?

She wiped at a stray tear on her cheek, her eyes not leaving his tiny body for a moment. His chest moved rapidly with assisted breaths. He was only slightly bigger than her own hand, so fragile and innocent. She didn't want to put him through any pain. Well, what she wanted was for him to not have been born yet, for him to still be safe and growing inside her until he was fully grown and able to sustain life without the support of all these wires, and machines. She should have been able to give him a good, healthy start in life – but it was too late for any of that.

Her forehead rested against the hard plastic, blinking away more stray tears as she watched him. This was her decision, her choice. It was all on her. Any and all blame would be on her, even more so now. She hadn't been able to carry him to term and now... she was going to make that decision. She couldn't even think the words yet, never mind say them, but she knew Addison was waiting to be told the next steps she had chosen.

Meredith knew what Addison would recommend, and she knew Addison didn't make these decisions lightly. She hadn't met the woman before now, but she'd definitely read about her, heard about her work in the neonatal field. She was pretty sure Brian had even worked with her before. Doctor to doctor, Meredith knew just from the look in Addison's eyes – the red-haired doctor didn't have to say a word.

She took a staggering breath, glancing up at Addison who she knew had been stood waiting just outside the room, and met her gaze. She gave a small nod, her mind going blank, going numb, as she made it clear a decision had been made. It was time for her to say goodbye.

****

"We never really talked about it," she heard herself saying as her eyes fixed on the wine in her glass.

"Talked about what?" he murmured softly, and she could feel his fingers twisting lightly around the end of her hair over her shoulder.

"When... it happened and you weren't there," she whispered, closing her eyes as her fingers wrapped around the top of the wine glass, "You wouldn't answer my calls, or my messages."

"I... God, that's probably the shittiest thing I've ever done in my life," he breathed, his lips pressing to her shoulder again for a moment, "I won't ever forgive myself for not being there for you, for not being there for that short time that No... — that he was alive."