epitaphs

mother's day

there are fifty two sundays in a year.

fifty two days of rest, fifty two weekends, but there is no sunday i dread more than the second sunday of may.

mother's day.

i spend three hundred and sixty four days repressing, hiding, minimizing anything and everything related to her.

because i know that when she enters into my mind, i lose control. i melt, and everything i have precariously piled up comes crashing down, the second foot drops, the anvil falls.

mother's day is the only day i can't lie to myself anymore.

every app i open, every story i scroll through, every post i like is dedicated to a mother.

smiling faces, adoring captions, hearts,

you're the most important person in my life

thank you for always being there

i don't know what i would do without you

yeah, i don't know what i'm doing without her either.

i scroll faster tap faster faster faster faster hoping it will go away but it doesn't.

i am drowning in mothers who care about their children

loving mothers

proper mothers

because it seems that of the one thousand two hundred and ninety three people i follow, every single one of them has a mother they adore. a mother who cares about them. a mother to thank.

a mother who still loves them.

every single one of them has a post up a story up, drowning my feed and reminding me that

and of those one thousand two hundred and ninety three wonderful mothers, when the lottery of life was going around, i didn't get one.

i don't have a mother to boast about to thousands of people, a sweet message to write.

i don't have anything.

there's no reprieve offline either.

i go out to walk, and the trails are lined with families. mother's day hikes. whole families with mothers to celebrate.

even the divorced kids have moms who love them,

or at least moms who still talk to them.

so here we are, the one sunday of fifty two that i can hardly bear.

the one sunday of fifty two where i can't lie to myself and pretend it doesn't affect me and pretend that i don't wish i had a mom who was there for me who loved me who never hurt me who i could post about on social media and thank and love and adore.

because i am never going to have that. i will spend every second sunday of may for the rest of my life with that fact that will never ever change because i will never get to post about my mother like that or tell the world how great my mother is and how much she loves me because

she doesn't.

so instead i'll spend year after year, scrolling, reading, taking in,

watching everybody else have the one thing i should have

watching everybody else take for granted the one thing i have wanted more than anything,

happy mother's day, mom.

i know you don't want me anymore.

but i miss you.

i hope you're doing well, wherever you are.

a/n: well that was depressing