mama im in love with a fucking criminal☂ five x fem!reader

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"Oh, hello!" Jenkins opens the door and greets us cheerfully, "How can I help you kids?"

I smile sweetly, "We're wondering if you're willing to buy some cookies."

"Sure thing," he replies, still painfully clueless. "I'll just go grab my wallet, then," he wanders back into the house, seeming not to have noticed that we didn't actually have any cookies with us. Dumbass.

He returns shortly, wallet in hand and a smile on his face. "Hey, where'd the, uh, other kid go?" he glances around the porch and behind me.

"Oh, he just went to get the cookies," I fib, knowing damn well that Five was in this man's house, looking for a certain stolen diary.

"Right," Jenkins says, weirdly relaxed all of a sudden. And then he points a gun at me. "Would you happen to have any Peppermint Patties?" he says easily, still smiling kindly. "Come on in, won't you?"

With my brain frozen in shock, I don't know what else to do, so I walk past him into the hallway as he gestures with the pistol, which he then presses into my lower back.

"Now," he says conversationally, "I don't know who you are, but I know your little boyfriend is in here somewhere, and I know what he's capable of. So he'd better behave if he doesn't want a bullet through your pretty little head, understood?"

Ridiculously, the first thought to pass through my head is, he's not my boyfriend. The second thought is that he doesn't know who I am. Good. Because then he isn't expecting me to do this .

I jerk my head back, hitting his nose and I hear the satisfying crunch of bone breaking, then I grab his wrist and twist and snap, forcing the gun to clatter to the ground. I twist his arm behind his back and lean my full weight against him, pushing him over and making him land on his stomach with me on his back, holding his arm back. Just like I was taught by...well, who really cares at this point? At least I got the job done.

The entire process couldn't have taken more than four seconds, which is apparently shorter than it takes Five to know I'm in grave danger. As Jenkins struggles underneath me, stuck in a loop of being in pain because of struggling and struggling due to the pain, I call out for Five.

"What is it?" Five blinks into the living room, eyes wild with panic.

"So nice of you to join us, Mr. Hargreeves," I say bitterly. "Jenkins here was acting up."

"What did he do?" he says, calmer now but still stern.

"He pulled a gun on me, didn't you, Harold?" I pull his head back harshly with a fistful of his hair. "Also, he likes peppermint patties ," I grimace in revulsion.

"Gag him," Five tosses me a roll of duct tape, looking down at Jenkins with disgust.

Ten minutes and a roll of tape later, Jenkins is gagged and well-tied to one of his own kitchen chairs at the head of the dinner table. Five and I sit across from each other next to him, and I've stolen a Popsicle from his freezer.

"So now what?" I say, licking at the ice cream as Five flips through Reginald's diary, found in Jenkins' duffel bag. "He probably knows too much already, right?"

"Yeah," Five says, still furiously scanning the pages.

"Maybe we could tear his throat out so he can't speak. Can we do that without killing him?" I say over the man's muffled screams of terror.

"Firstly, probably not, and secondly, there are ways to communicate other than speaking, so that's a stupid plan."

"Hm," I say. "What do you think, Harold? Would you rather never be able to speak or just...die?"

"I want to die after being stuck to your annoying ass for two days," Five grumbles, but there's no real heat behind his words.

"And yet here you are, alive and well." I say, pointing my Popsicle at him. "Besides, you need me. You're lucky someone dropped me into the show."

A few minutes of silence pass - save for Jenkins' frequent yells and groans - before I say, "What if we blind and deafen him?" and another cacophony of his screams ensues.

"Goddamnit, y/n, give the guy a break," Five whines.

"Well, I never expected you to be the sympathetic one," I retort, but shut up nonetheless, looking out the window into the dark night.

"Shit!" I stand up abruptly.

"What's wrong?" Five says, also alarmed.

"It's dark," I reply, panicking. "Hazel and Cha Cha were supposed to attack the academy tonight."

A/N: i dont know shit about fighting y/n probably would've gotten herself killed within seconds in real life