Glorified high ✓

VIII

I've never talked to anyone about what was happening in your apartment in the future months. They wouldn't understand. Also some of it I simply couldn't remember. There was a fine line between reality and hallucinations in that period of my life - I was heavily using hallucinogens, and pretty much every other drug. I dropped out of university at that point, it was obvious that I'm a failure, as my parents had put it when they found out. I don't know what they would have said if they'd known about the true reasons.

I spent only five days in my hometown before I came back to the city. The same night I persuaded my roommate to go out. I desperately needed a fix, lifting, something, anything. He never asked questions, we never talked about personal things, but I could tell he knew something happened between Gia, you and me. It was hard not to figure it out, I barely spent a day without you before. And after Gia and I became serious, her as well.

The night was everything I asked for. I wanted to prove to myself that this is where I needed to be. Yes, I was failing as a young intellectual that had a promising future in journalism as many people claimed I was, but I was excelling in socializing. They knew my name even though I didn't know theirs. I clapped hands with guys that would spot me in a club and hugged pretty girls that would later follow me on social media. I could skip the line because our group was wanted in that place, we would get invites, we had access to the finest drugs. I partied long into the night or the next night, dancing to the music that never ends. So when I was proving that point to myself that night, that I matter, that I have something, that I'm not a complete waste of space I saw you. Had I intentionally gone out in that club knowing you might be there? I would never dare to admit it to myself.

You actually had your hair cut. It was a buzz cut that revealed your natural hair colour, dark caramel and wet sand and something warm, like summer sun had bleached it, and you were alone, shrouded in darkness at the long sleek bar that nobody ever sits at because people only come there to dance. Even if they don't know or want, drugs make them move to the rhythm regardless. So why were you, the life of every party not moving?

I realised you were the one who introduced me to most of these people. You were the leader and we were just your entourage. You were on most of my posts on social media. You were the one who introduced me to this music. My whole body flushed with realisation - everything I thought I had in that city, belonged to you or was shared with you.

The room had loudened, sound deliriously distorted, MDMA in my blood making me more emotional and dramatic than I should have been. The sound was bouncing off the walls around, more people were flooding in.

I'm more you than myself.

And then Gia appeared. There was a sense of disappointment because in all honesty, I didn't want her to kill my vibe. I read all her messages, but I wasn't ready for conversation. Luckily, she didn't want to talk much either. Her pupils showed me in what state she was as she leaned in and kissed me with desperation.

"You can't blame me for wanting him too when you literally put him in front of my nose all this time. It was always you and him, so don't fucking blame me for wanting just a little bit of what you two have."

Her words were loud in my ear as we stood in the center of the dancefloor, a shiny disco ball above us illuminating our faces in silver. "How are you so blind still? I love you. I'd do anything for you. Forgive me, I never meant it to happen that way, but I did mean it to happen, I did mean for us three to happen. Trust me, you'll know what I'm talking about one day."

In that chaos of words and heavy bass and weakness, you turned around and found my eyes in the sea of people. The chaos in my brain ceased at once.