Glorified high ✓

XI

Watching you from the corner of my eye I felt like a creepy voyeur. I was lying flat on my back next to you in the big park, an illusion of nature in that smog-infested urban jungle. Air smelled of warm beer and freshly cut grass, your cheeks were browning, the sun making new freckles pop. You were glowing, looking healthy and mine and I dug my nails into my palms to stop myself from reaching out and touching you in a busy park.

I observed your fingers fiddling with the hem of your T-shirt, a big silver skull ring on your middle finger, drawing circles around your belly button and the soft hairs there. They grew darker and thicker just before they disappeared behind the waistband and I swallowed thickly, annoyed at the layers of clothes and all the places I kissed in the dark but now I couldn't.

"You're staring," you said casually. I was caught. I quickly looked up at the pale blue sky crisscrossed by the airplane tracks but my mind was still thinking about your belly button and how I wanted to dip my finger in it.

"Remember the festival?" I asked cautiously instead and cringed internally because of course you'd remember the festival, it was only one month ago but what I wanted to actually ask was if you remembered the kiss. You slowly lifted yourself and propped your head on your palm, still lying on your side next to me.

"I remember," you said eventually. I felt you staring at me expectantly behind the dark sunglasses, waiting for me to continue, children's laughter and splashing of water from the fountain were adding to my unease.

It was my idea to go out of the city for a three-day music summer festival. I wanted to take you dancing. I figured you would be less tempted if we were outdoors, surrounded by nature without people who knew us that would probably offer us drugs. It was clear then and on every other of our outings that you were not hiding our relationship - you were always free, I was the hesitant one. But I still have a polaroid of us, kissing with mouths open and thirsty, in the sea of people that were dancing to the beat of a song we both haven't heard in a while, one of those tunes we listened to in the period when we just started our friendship.

I spilled my beer on you as I jumped to the song and you laughed gorgeously and loudly before you gripped me by the nape of my neck and connected our lips. We didn't stop for a while, we grinned and our teeth clung, we bit so our lips were red and swollen, we gave it all so we could become timeless. Timeless in a polaroid that a random girl took, unbeknown to us and gave us to keep as a memory. Like I could ever forget any of your kisses. They are all imprinted in my mind in HQ for eternity.

It's true that I've never been one for public displays of affection, nor have you because I couldn't remember ever seeing you like that with anyone but I was itching for it. What was stopping me in the park that day? It wasn't shame or fear that some homophobe would call me out. I believe it was just a fear of rejection. It's like I expected you to change your mind at some point, that you'd spot someone more interesting in that park and go and befriend them. I wasn't good enough for you. There was plenty of fish in this big sea making me feel like I will never belong here with you, be worthy of all your attention.

"I wish you'd smile more...Like you smiled at the festival." Your voice became wistful and honest after I remained silent, you sensed that I was restless. I was officially still living with my roommate, but I slept most nights in your bed, rarely going back to my apartment. My job was making me intolerable and snappy, while you had a smile on your face every time you'd come home from your classes with a new story. It was all so confusing and just too much at times.

But you noticed all of my moods and emotions trying to offer the best advice. You stayed my best friend all along and I loved the fact that sometimes days could pass without us being physical but you'd still be you, considerate, thoughtful, responsive and we'd still be us - just two boys figuring out how to adult together.

I moved to mirror your position, supporting my cheek with my palm and I found myself so close to your face, our noses almost touched. You leaned forward until our noses were brushing each other, sweetly, innocently. I felt soft warm air slipping from your lips on mine and I wanted to breathe you in, swallow your breath, your tongue, your faith.

I pressed my lips to yours gently. Finally. You instantly removed your sunglasses, looking at me fondly, happy that I made the first move, knowing already what that meant for me. The endless sky above us, bright and clear, like I hoped our future would be, the noise of the city around us oddly calming all of a sudden.

Somewhere in some celestial place the day you were born and the day I was born the stars aligned in a perfect shape that destined us to become this. All logic abandons me when I think of you, it's foolish, I know, but how else would I explain this familiarity, this lightness, the connection we were experiencing without drugs, the type of connection between two hearts that is beyond visible relationship and intimacy. Yes, drugs used to make us fly so high and fast but now without them, we were floating on a peaceful surface of the quiet sea.

You never spoke the word love but your eyes said love in the unhurried morning routines, in casual clothes swapping, in knowing where to touch and what to say on bad days. You never spoke the word forever but your skin said forever when you made it bleed for me then my name in thick black ink remained embedded there permanently. You never spoke the word mine but your mouth said mine when a flirty cashier would ask for your number only to be rejected by a firm sorry but I'm not interested. You never spoke the word always but your demeanor said always when I saw how you were pushing yourself to be a better person. For me.

Love. Forever. Mine. Always. That's what your name translates into.

I pursed my lips and spoke in between firm pecks, getting braver with every kiss, as I reached out and jabbed playfully at your stomach, making you squirm and chuckle. Childish flirtation.

"You. Make. Me. Smile." When I really wanted to say please don't leave me.

What an irony. I ended up being the one who left you.