Glorified high ✓

XIII

Like a true King you claimed me. And then you crushed my dreams into dust. Sasha, you made me your slave for eternity. You destroyed me and I still call it love. You ripped apart the cells that made me human and now all that's left is a shell.

You were my religion. You thought you could play god, but I'm to blame to the same extent for idolising you. I was a fool to attach myself to you, to be the victim of your greed. And sometimes I wonder if I'm a masochist because it still hurts so much but at least it makes it all even more real.

When I left you that day my face was a mirror image of what I felt every time when I woke up with you: love, life and giddy exhilaration that knew no bounds.

"Hey, boyfriend." I pecked your cheek on my way out, your sleepy face was wrinkled from the pillow and you smiled, eyelids still too heavy to open them.

"See you later. I'll pick up some groceries on the way back so we can cook dinner together and celebrate my moving in, what do you say?"

Your smooth skin was calling for me to get back in our bed as you tilted your face for another kiss, last kiss, and replied sweetly "Can't wait, boyfriend."

I took the bus to my old apartment and once there, I started packing my things - there weren't many but I tried to tidy up everything behind me just so my roommate didn't have to. I didn't expect him to be there at that time, I wanted to avoid the small talk and explain where and why I was moving. I just didn't want anyone in my business. Maybe I wanted to avoid the awkwardness that usually occurred whenever I'd bump into people I used to spend so much time with. All those people that were still very much in the scene that you and I weren't a part of anymore. But he was there with his girlfriend. After I finished I gave him the money for that month's rent and he offered me a drink, said I could sit and hang out for a bit. I declined which made his girlfriend snicker, the tension in the air taut like a string pulled to its breaking point.

"Just be careful Luca, or else Sasha would kill you like he killed Gia."

See, I didn't register what she said. I just frowned and ignored her, but as I started to walk towards the door, I turned around and saw tears in her eyes. And I couldn't ever ignore tears. She was Gia's good friend. I remembered bringing Gia to that apartment and the four of us would spend evenings together. Gia became an integral part of our group soon, therefore she became good friends with my friends.

"What do you mean?" My question opened a can of worms, an irreversible action that I instantly regretted.

"He gave her the heroin, you know that?" My roommate joined the conversation, lighting the cigarette.

"Yeah, that one time, when..." I couldn't finish.

My heart sped up. I felt a sense of despair creep around the edges of my consciousness, thick and suffocating. That was the time I found you in my bed, high and spaced out, you said that you both wanted to try, just once, that she insisted. I believed you. Gia also mentioned to me that she wanted to try, but never said anything more, I thought it was in the past. I wanted that night to stay in the past so much that my subconscious and self-preservation hid it in some dark faraway corner of my mind. But that's the thing about people you love, you're blind to the rest, you ignore the details and refuse to connect the dots.

"First time, and other times. She told me she continued doing it, even though I warned her to be careful. Then, she disappeared, quit her job and I haven't seen her or talked to her in weeks. I guess that's when she was partying with you two at Sasha's place." Her voice was bitter. Cell by cell my body and soul started breaking down.

"I was there all the time, no, I would have seen, he wasn't... "

"But you weren't there all the time, were you? Think Luca. Do you know who is the only person in our group that could easily get any drug at any time?" She asked and I closed my eyes. It was you. You knew the heroin dealer. It was such a hard drug to find in this city and Gia spent her last days with us, in your apartment. Who else would she have gotten it from?