Sunshine

Chapter 4

Aditya

I realized I did not have her phone number. I did not ask for it. Also, Piyali never asked for my phone number either. And somehow, after that day, I was thinking about her a lot more. It was like I could not help it. My thoughts would linger around her. Even when I am thinking about other things, I will end up thinking about her.

This did not happen suddenly... I had been thinking more about her a lot lately. Whenever she said something sweet, I felt myself smiling at that. When our hands accidentally brush, I feel myself getting slightly excited. And after getting home, I will think of her... And I wait for every weekend with eagerness.

So after she had come home, and left... I simply could not stop my thoughts. It will somehow or other, end up in her thoughts.

So in the end, I ended up going to Rohan's college. Well, I can just meet her next Saturday. Still... I...I am not sure. I did not want to admit anything yet. And my excuse for going to Rohan's college was that I just want to hang out with Rohan and Esha. That's what I told myself. I was just missing Rohan and want to hang out with him and Esha for a while.

"Hey, bro..." Rohan called out when I had reached the college. All his friends began to cheer for me and I was pulled in and greeted by them as usual. I realized that I am waiting for the clay smell. But I told myself that I am not... I am not really looking for anybody in particular. But she is not here... I could not feel her smell or her presence anywhere. She did not call out to me in her voice as well.

So when finally all the friends had settled down a bit from greeting me, I turned to Rohan. I tried to sound as casual as I can... I hope I don't sound too urgent or interested.

"Where is Piyali?" I asked him, "I don't think she is here."

"Oh. Piyali is absent today. She is down with fever."

"Fever?" I asked. Now, do I sound concerned? "How? Is it serious?"

"No. Just...mild fever and cold," Rohan said.

I was actually disappointed. I felt I really did want to meet her... Maybe that's why I came over, even if my excuse was Rohan and Esha. Because I feel a bit hollow now... and feel as if I missed out on something.

"Can I have her phone number?" I asked Rohan, extending my phone to Rohan.

"Eh...." Rohan said... And I felt he was looking at me. Well, maybe weirdly, but I can't see his expression.

"What?" I asked him.

"You asking for a girl's number is rare." He said.

"We go to weekend classes together. She is my friend. And I just want to say a get well soon to her when she is sick."

"Okay, dude. Why are you getting all worked up?" He asked.

Did I get worked up? Well... I am losing my cool and... I am in denial. I don't have an interest in Piyali Chatterjee. She is just this girl I know... But...

Rohan took my phone from my hand anyway. "What number shall I put her in?" He asked.

I save the numbers in the quick dial. 1 is for mom. 2 is for Rohan. 3, I had left vacant. 4, is another friend from my visually challenged academy and there are a few, just a few others in the quick dial. Others just call me, I don't have to call them.

"You have quick dials filled up to 13." Rohan said, "I am putting her on 14. Is that okay?"

"3," I said. "Put her in 3."

Rohan went silent.

"Are you sure?" he asked after a second.

"Yeah. Why?" I said.

"Okay." He said. He typed in the number and gave my phone back to me.

"Thanks," I told him.

"Hello..." I heard Piyali's voice at the other end. Her voice sounded a little shaky.

"Hi..." I said.

"Sorry, who is this? It's a number that I don't recognize so..."

"It's me. Aditya."

"Oh... Sorry, Aditya. I just..." She sounded guilty to not have recognized my voice. "Your voice sounds a little different on phone, I think."

"So you have got fever."

"How did you know?" She asked.

"I heard from Rohan."

"Oh...."

"How are you?"

"Not that well. It went a bit bad at noon... And I was taken to hospital. I got an injection to get the fever down. And the doctor told me to take rest."

"So... Will you be able to attend the weekend class?" Today was Thursday.

"I am afraid not," she said.

The feeling of missing her crept into me. I won't be able to meet her till next weekend. That felt forever away. Shall I visit her? But that will seem a bit too... No. That's a bad idea.

"Then take rest..." I told her.

"Okay... I will save your number."

"Hmm...." I said. "Get well soon."

And we ended the call... When the call came to an end, I ran a hand through my hair... I think this is bad.

I lay down on my bed and thought... Thought really hard.

Because now I knew my feelings. First I was just doubting them, then denying them... Now I felt them. And understand that I am starting to like this girl... Somehow, I like being with her and I wish to be with her...

No. This is bad? Right? Is this wrong?

Do I.... 'I'...have the right to like a girl that way?

It was okay to make friends. I never felt anything about that... And I have never felt inferior to anyone. I had forgotten the darkness and pains. I had stopped feeling sorry for myself and accepted myself for who I am. And I have always felt I have the right to be in this world as much as anyone else and enthusiastically pursued my dreams. I studied harder and had never let my eyesight be a boulder in my way. I have never been bothered by my eyes ever...

Until...this question came up...

Is it okay for me to like a girl??

Is that really okay?

But an answer came right back to me that, it's not okay. The girl - she has every right to get a guy who can see how pretty she is. A guy who she does not have to direct to cross the road. In fact, a girl will want a guy who will take her hand and help cross her road making sure she is safe. A girl needs a man who can see the dangers coming to her and who will protect her. Every girl deserves a man like that...

So it's not okay. It is just not okay for me to like a girl...

And certainly not Piyali. I want her to be with a guy who can see her smile and protect her...

It's not okay for me to like her.

I should not like her.

I need to zip these feelings up.

I need to stop feeling like this before things go too far.

Let's zip it up.