Twoset Shorts

Yhe very act of existing is pain (angst)

It had been a long day, recording for a new episode with a bunch of other musicians at the con.
Eddy, the more introvert one, had been in a good mood today, being more outgoing and friendly than usual. He was in high spirit, and that really didn't happen that often after a session like this.
He usually felt drained after recording these episodes.
Eddy knew he'd be sitting indoors in his bed reading and listening to music for the next 3 days after this, but it was worth it! They had had so much fun, and he was looking forward to having that bubble tea all together at their favorite right on the other side of the river.
Taking that stroll over the bridge for a milk tea made old memories come to live in Eddy's mind. Feeling like they were 19 again.

They'd just finished, saying their goodbyes, when Brett suddenly ran out of the hall. He practically threw himself out of the door.
Eddy's brows shot up in a questioning way. He looked at the other 4 to see if they could tell him what had actually happened, but they looked back at him the same way.
A huge, paralyzing feeling of fear struck him.
He wasn't having some troubles with his guts again, was he?
Among many terrible things in this world, Brett getting sick again was Eddy's biggest fear, his worst nightmare. He didn't know if he would be capable of going through that one more time.

Their friends packed up their stuff, all awkward, wondering what was going on.
-Uhm, just go ahead you guys. We'll catch up with you.
He waited to see the others well out before he started looking for his boyfriend.
It was weird how silent this school could be sometimes! So many memories from here, at that time adolescents running everywhere all the time. Now, being an adult, renting the place a couple hours, was a whole other feeling, everything being SO quiet.
It was time to find Brett!
His gut made him rush into the bathroom, hoping he wouldn't find his love hunched over the toilet, being sick.
He called on him, nobody answered. There was just this wide, huge silence everywhere. Maybe any other teacher working late, from time to time high heels clacking before a door getting shut. And then new silence.
He heard some sniffles though.
He could tell Brett was in there, in one of the booths.
-Brett, honey, you ok?
No answer.
Eddy knocked at the door to the right booth.
-You in there? (Stupid how people would ask questions like that, when already knowing, almost like a reflex, but stupid anyhow, Eddy thought to himself. Just like other times of sharing the same braincell, it seemed like Brett thought the same.)
-No, he answered in a clearly unhappy tone.
Eddy smiled to himself.
He got him back on that stupid question, and, most importantly, Brett answered him, which meant he wasn't ignoring him. It meant he was motivated to talk to him. About what ever was going on.

The door got unlocked and opened. Brett was standing there right in front of him, eyes red-rimmed and his cheeks swollen.
Eddy hated seeing his love like that. He only wanted for him to be happy, all tge time. Something clutched his heart, making his stomach tighten up. It was hard to breathe when Brett was unhappy. When Brett cried he wanted to cry himself.

-What happened? What's wrong?

-Why did you have to do that?? You KNOW I don't like it! You KNOW it freaks me out!
-Uhhhmm... what do you mean? I'm not sure if I get it....
-Whatever. Forget it then!
-No! Nonono, we need to get this straight honey, we need to fix it. I want bubble tea....Eddy tried, stroking Brett's cheek lightly while smiling. But Brett wasn't ready for that yet.
-Then you go get your precious bubble tea! I'm going home!
-You're not joining us?
-I don't feel well.
-Why? You sick?
-Maybe.
-Not really, you just told me you're blaming me for some thing. Can you please tell me what this is all about?

-Did I hurt you somehow? Please tell me, I need to know, I need to tell you I'm sorry!
Whatever this is about, I never meant to hurt you! And you have to let me apologize for it!

-Why did you touch her?
-What, who? When?
- You... you were smiling and laughing so sus.... and, then,... Brett's words were stumbling incoherently between sobs. -You touched her and you, did that foot-thing.
At first Eddy didn't even understand what he was talking about. He'd already forgotten about it all. And to him the whole situation was different. It wasn't like that! It was hard to even recognise what situation Brett was talking about, because the whole thing looked so different in Eddy's memory.
-Oh. Oh. Ohhh!! Ok!
Eddy exhaled deeply, feeling some of the stress leaving his body.
-It was just a friendly gesture, nothing else!
-To me it seemed more like something flirtatious.
-It wasn't.
-You KNOW how hard this is for me, you KNOW how it's even harder being here in this very building, I lost you once, right here! To a chic!
Speaking of which, she looks like her too..!!
-Wait, who looks like who?
-Emma! She looks like your x!
-What? Noooo she doesn't!
-She does!
-I'm so afraid of losing you! And losing you to a chic, that would be... DEVASTATING! I already tried that once! And it happened RIGHT HERE!
Brett was on the edge of sounding hysterical.
-Brett!! Emma's married!
-So? You're in a relationship as well, you don't seem to care, why would she?
-I don't seem to care? Then why am I standing here, trying to explain some bullshit that isn't even worth explaining?
-Dunno? Brett looked up at him, looking like a little boy, a very sad one.
-Because I fucking love you! Eddy hissed.
He tried to calm down, lowered his voice.
-Let's go back to the hall, yeah?
It stinks.
Eddy grabbed Brett's hand and entwined his fingers into his. Brett instinctively let him for a second, before he half-heartedly tried to shake himself loose.

-Don't... hold my hand here..! His words sounded anxious.
-There's nobody! It's ok!

They sat at the floor in the hall.
Brett plucked the strings on his violin, something he used to do if things were uncomfortable and his instrument was reachable. It was his comfort.
-You're the one I wanna share my life with! And.. losing you to a girl.. That would be the worst!
-That won't happen! It's a shame you're so insecure about this hon!
-Maybe I overreacted a little bit.
-You did.
- But I'm still hurt!
-Maybe we should agree on some rules. You should try not to get so worked up , try and NOT let things like this hurt you, you KNOW I want you and only you!
And I'll be a little bit more considerate, ok? I'll be more careful about how I act.
How does that sound?
-I dunno.
Eddy stroked Brett's fringe.
-Honey...why would I be here with you right now if I wanted to be someplace else?
-But you loved her, right?
-Who?
-Your x.
-What does she have to do with this?
-Nothing. Except the fact that she is the prove that you like chicks.
-So?
-That means twice as many chances for me to lose you. And I can't possibly compete with a girl.
You loved her, didn't you?
- At least I thought I did. There are different kinds of love though.
You know what made me realise the difference between what we have and what I had with her?
-No?
-I never told you exactly why we broke up, did I?
- You said it wasn't what you believed it to be.
-That's right.
-That you grew apart and wanted different things from life.
-Yup.
-I never asked about it. It was none of my business anyway.
-She wanted me to marry her. She wanted to have a family.
-You weren't ready?
-It didn't expect it to happen right there and then. She wanted it for the future. It wasn't about being ready now or later, it was... wrong. I couldn't picture myself married to her. Like.. no way
Not ever.
You know, when she came into my life, I was so confused, I was terrified of my feelings for you. She was beautiful, she was smart, she could make me "normal", give me a normal life. She asked me to be her boyfriend, and then ...
-And then you left me...
-I did. I just wanted to feel normal for once. Being gay at that time was so much stress, I tried to choose differently. A week went on and I was still her boyfriend, a year later, nothing changed, still being her boyfriend, things were calm and ok, I felt content. I never thought about the future, I just pulled through, one day after another. Suddenly two years had passed, things being ok, and then she made me realise she wanted the relationship to move forward. It struck me that normal couples actually have a plan. They're going somewhere. Hopefully having the same plans for the future.
We didn't.
One day she revealed to me that she wanted a marriage, kids... I don't know why that surprised me, but it did!
Eddy laughed.
-I was shocked and thought to myself hell, fuck, no!! I'm NOT going there, EVER! I would NEVER be "ready" for such thing! You, on the other hand...
I could definitely have married you!
-You serious?
-Yes! Why not?
-Isn't that a little bit too early..?
-Well... I guess when you know, you know. There's no reason to doubt the inevitable. But! That being said, I don't think we need to run away and get married right now. But I mean... you can picture yourself in the future right?
-Yeah?
-And you have a certain idea of what you want and what you absolutely don't want. She wanted a family, a husband, where as I wanted to be with you. Conquer the world with you. And for the first time ever I can see myself as a husband. Your husband.
Brett was silent. Still studying his instrument.
-D' you feel the same?
-I think so, yes.

Eddy touched Brett's chin with his pointerfinger, tilted his head back to see his eyes.
He stroked his cheek. Wiped away his half-dried tears.
-Honey..
Carefully, he tried kissing him, carefully, checking if Brett was ready for it. And he was. He returned it, greedily, hungrily.
Eddy followed up by pushing him gently backwards.
-Eddy! My bow!
-Move it then!
Brett carefully pushed his bow and violin out of the way before calmly resting his back onto the floor, pulling Eddy down with him.
Long, wholesome kisses, hands wandering, deep sighs.
Eddy's hand found it's way underneath Brett's hoodie, a tiny shiver in his breath.
-Eddy! Suddenly Brett found himself whispering, as if they were back in time, in this very building, fooling around silently in a corner, 18 years old, nobody had to know.
-You sure we booked the hall for...fuck, what time is it??
-Shhh, it's ok. We still have half an hour. If you shut your mouth and let me do my thing, I'll have us both finished by then!
-Sure?
-Yeah.
-And that bubble tea?
-It can wait.
-I guess you're right.
Brett closed his eyes and let out a deep, happy sigh. Exhaling all his stress and anxiety while letting Eddy work his magic.